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“Yeah. Talk to Joan a little more before you go on another venture. Make sure she knows you’re gone and gives you a few pointers and a can of bear spray.”
“Damn. This is not Seattle.”
We both laugh at her comment and I pull my keys from my pocket. “Well, I have to head down the mountain. It was nice to see you again, Sophia. If you need anything, Joan has my number.”
I climb behind the wheel and turn over the engine. As I pull away, I glance at the rearview mirror and catch her watching. When she sees me, her hand lifts in a small wave before turning toward the house. I watch as she glances again to the trees and I drive the next two hours with a smile on my face.
Chapter 20
Gage
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Who knew the sound of a clock’s second hand could be so loud? Each second that ticks by is like a stab to my brain. Now I understand what people mean by death by a thousand cuts. Or in this case, a thousand ticks.
My therapist in Seattle, Dr. Le, is used to my silence. It took at least a dozen sessions before we talked about anything besides the weather and sports. To say he is a patient man would be an understatement. Although my counseling and initial leave of absence were a requirement as part of my transition out of undercover, the decision to extend both with an undefined end date was my own.
Dr. Le reached out to a colleague a few hours from Starlight Ridge who agreed to continue my sessions. I was hesitant at first. Dr. Le works within the department. He understands the ins and outs of what we do. Even with that knowledge I didn’t trust him for weeks. I didn’t see how someone in small-town Idaho was going to be of any help.
I was wrong.
Dr. Melinda Vail isn’t only a therapist, she’s a former cop herself. After an injury forced early retirement, she pursued her degree and has been working with retired officers since. Although I’m not close to retirement, she was willing to take on my moody ass in an effort to help me work through the last three years of my life. Or at least the last eight months of my career.
Dr. Vail sits across from me, waiting for me to speak. Like today will be different than any other. It should be different. I slept four straight hours last night. It’s been years since that’s happened. Months since I didn’t have a nightmare. No. Night terror. A nightmare would be welcome after all this time. Waking up without my heart beating out of my chest and my body drenched in sweat would do wonders for my physical well-being. Not seeing the blank stares of the young girls deep in their trauma or the eyes of someone succumbing to their drug of choice each time I close my eyes seems far out of reach.
Yet here I sit. Unable to tell the professional of the minor breakthrough we’ve made. Instead, I count the ticks as Dr. Vail scribbles on her notepad. I’ve often wondered what the doctors write on those notepads. Is it a grocery list? Pros and cons of a shitty job? Or is it all the things wrong with me? I’m fucked-up in the head so that list is probably pages long.
“How are your parents doing with you being gone?”
A topic I’m willing to talk about almost freely.
“Fine.”
“What do you mean by ‘fine’?”
Sighing, I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees and clasping my hands behind my head. My heartbeat increases and a cool bead of sweat forms on my forehead. The need to get out of this room and away from the start of an interrogation is intense. But I know I have to sit through this. Sixty minutes each week until I go home. That was the commitment I made to myself and Dr. Le.
“My parents are fine. Dad understands my need for space and a change in scenery.”
“And your mother?”
I smile at the thought of my mom trying the same as my dad. “She’s trying. I know she’d prefer for me to be under her roof where she can fuss over me.”
“That I understand. When my kids went off to college, I was more worried than I ever was dressing for a shift while on the force. My husband said I ran off worry and caffeine each of their freshman years.”
Relaxing at the topic, I lean back and cross my foot over my knee. That feeling lasts seconds when she asks, “How do you think they managed when you were away?”
“I don’t know, Doc. I was gone for two years. Isn’t that part of the problem? I hardly know anyone for who they are today. Not even myself.”
Dr. Vail doesn’t respond. She only tilts her head to the side with a slight lift of her mouth as an encouragement to continue.
“I’m not the same person I was before. I don’t look the same, and we all know my mind is a lot more fucked up. The son that they raised is gone. The man they expected me to become is no more than a forgotten dream. The truth is I don’t know what my parents were like while I was gone or what they went through. I can only imagine it was hell because that’s what I was in.”
Standing, I begin pacing the length of the room. Frustration oozes from every pore of my body. This scene is common in these sessions both with Dr. Vail and Dr. Le.
