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“I missed it all. My dad’s heart attack. Uncle Cal’s retirement. Hell, I have a godson I met for the first time just months ago. I wasn’t there for my sister when she needed me most. When she fought to survive. All of it happened while I was doing what? Saving the world?”
My voice has risen from the flat affect she expects to a near roar. “I didn’t save anyone. Not even—”
It’s easy to acknowledge how I let my family down even if some of the missed moments were terrifying and life altering. I knew when I took the position with the task force that life would go on without me. Family members would get married and have babies. Aubrey would graduate from college and begin her life. My parents would enjoy retirement.
Something I’ll never admit to anyone else is my job became an addiction. When I first joined the team, I was cautioned. The men on the team warned of how easy it was to fall into the darkness of world we infiltrated. Arrogant as hell, I swore that would never be me. It could never be me.
It wasn’t. Instead, I watched the downward spiral of the people around us. Individuals we were investigating. Victims and witnesses. So many of them succumbing to drugs and all that comes with that life.
The same couldn’t be said for Vargas.
I return to my spot, my head resting on the back of the couch. A familiar ache builds in my chest. My stomach, a pit of fire and frustration. I’m so tired, exhausted keeping all of this inside. Months of fighting the memories. Of tallying all the mistakes and missteps.
“We missed the signs. All of us. How could we have not seen what is now so obvious?”
Dr. Vail doesn’t respond, she sits in silence as I take deep breaths, exhaling through my nose. The ticking is gone and in its place is a constant thump in my head. It’s the same feeling I have each morning from lack of sleep and the constant turmoil in my mind.
“Vargas was a good cop. He saw things none of us did. I learned so much from him and never once did I question how he was doing. I failed him.”
“Gage, you know this isn’t your fault. Like it isn’t Blake’s or Spellman’s. You were a team and none of you left that job unscathed. I’ve read Dr. Le’s notes. You and I have talked about each of the men on your team and where they are now. Vargas had his own demons. Depression and drug use are a vicious cocktail. Even if you had asked, there is no guarantee he would have answered you honestly.”
“That’s just it. I’ll never know. We all struggled being away for so long but the job was too important for us to quit. So many times we had to push the envelope. Straddle the line between right and wrong,” I reply, sitting up to look at her. “Maybe we didn’t want to see his struggle. To admit one of us had fallen. Some days the lines were light, almost faded to nothing, the pressure too much to bear.”
“Perhaps it can all be true. Life is not black and white. More often than not, it is a constant gray of lines that are quickly moving. In your line of work, there are a lot of moving pieces and it would be impossible to see everything. You are not to blame for this, Gage. You didn’t know what would happen.”
I should have. I should have seen the look in his eyes that day. We had a plan. One that Blake had laid out with precision. The final piece of the operation. We were finally taking Brighton down. Casualties were expected. A handful of lives were lost but thousands more were saved.
In the end, we decimated a huge trafficking operation, but with that victory came the fall of one of the best men I’ll ever know. If it had not been for the needle and strap around his arm, I wouldn’t have believed it to be true.
“I don’t know how to move on. All of this down time is killing me. I’m not one to sit idle.”
Dr. Vail looks at her wrist. “Our time is almost up for today. Before we end, I want you to know that although it is hard to accept now, there will be a time you agree with me and everyone else, Gage. You are not responsible for the choices others make. I think you’re ready for a little homework. First, write to Martin. Call him by his first name. Be his friend and not his colleague.”
“And the second?”
“Do something other than work. For goodness sake, you’re young. Don’t let life pass you by.”
I don’t bother correcting her. It isn’t fair for me to live a life when Martin Vargas never will.
Chapter 21
Sophia
Over the last few years, I grew used to being alone, missing out on celebrations of every kind unless they were in our apartment. I haven’t seen my parents in two years. I know how unhealthy my lifestyle is. How isolated I became. Thankfully, I had Morgan.
My guilt and fear battle each other every day for her sacrifices. She’s put so much of her life on hold to be there for me. It was why I wanted to be part of her birthday trip. Why I was willing to push all of my anxiety down enough that I could travel and be around others.
At this very moment, I should be lying beneath the warm Florida sun with a pina colada in my hand. Morgan and I should be laughing and celebrating with our friends. Instead, I’m here in Starlight Ridge sitting on a porch swing, looking out over a valley while sipping lemonade.
The view is gorgeous and for a minute I forget I’m here hiding and not on vacation. Joan invited me to go with her down to Main Street but I still can’t fathom leaving what is my home for the foreseeable future. Being out in the fresh air is a welcome change from my usual day to day.
Pulling my feet beside me on the swing, I rest my head to the side and close my eyes, forcing myself to relax and enjoy the peace. I must drift off because when something touches my shoulder, I startle and fall onto the deck. I’m back pedaling, my heart racing and my breaths coming fast. I look around, trying to figure out where I am. Who is before me?
Starlight Ridge. Joan’s deck.
My breathing is close to panic and I take a deep breath, willing my mind to slow so my body will follow. My hands shake as I push myself to my knees and take another breath and look up.Gage.
“Oh shit. Are you hurt?”
