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I didn’t tell them the queen wanted me dead because I still didn't understand it. I had to pray that my involvement in the socialite world would not get back to her ears. Without my parent's knowledge, I introduced myself now as Blanche White when not in Geva. It was my life on the line and imperative that I hide who I was from the royals or anyone that could trace me back to the queen. Not that I thought my social life would ever get back to her, but then again, she had wanted me dead for an untold reason, so maybe she would have eyes on the lookout for me if Sahlyn let slip that he’d failed to gather my heart.
Sahlyn never let me in on what he had planned to tell the queen or what he would do. I prayed whatever story he told would save us both, but I lived each day like it may be the last.
I had done three winter balls and hated every moment of them. My mother was thrilled, though, so it was worth it. Despite the harrowing events of my adventure to the North, I was already restless and wanted another adventure. After what had happened in the north, I was sure I’d come home and enjoy a simple life, to drown myself in the complacency of knowing what to expect each day, but I was wrong.
As for the huntsman, he only entered my mind at night when the day's events ceased to exist, and my mind was again my own. Then, his face snuck in; that slashing grin that curled one end of his lips more than the other, the dangerous appeal of his features, offset by those stunning eyes. And then there was the rest of him. I’d never seen a man of his size, strength, and muscle before—and the tiny glimpse I’d gotten of his muscled back made it difficult to breathe. I hated that he had that kind of hold over me. He was a murdering monster, for Goddess' sake! I needed to get over the thought of him because my mother expected me to be married soon, and I had yet to find a man I could stand being around.
“Autumn, are you even paying attention?”
I pulled my attention from the window. I would rather be doinganythingthan learning the proper technique to stitch leather. I was bored, and my thoughts wandered to places they shouldn’t be.
“Yes,” I said hollowly.
My mother’s keen eyes swept my face, and she breathed deeply. “You hate this, don’t you?”
“Of course not. I…” I sighed. Lying was a habit I’d adopted with her early on, and I hated that I felt compelled to do it. I had to draw a line. I had already resigned myself to the idea that I would never truly be happy, and my heart ached with the unfairness of it. “I do…hate it, but I understand you want me to learn, and I’ve accepted that.”
“Like a puppy accepts not pissing in the house?”
I stared at her in shock for a second before I grinned. Her lips twitched in an answering smile. “Pretty much, yes.”
She laughed then, a full laugh I hadn’t heard in a while. It felt good to laugh with her. So many of our interactions were distasteful and frustrating now. They were mostly her browbeating me into being social and me fighting her every step of the way. Lying and fake acceptance had become so routine that laughter sent an unexpected pleasure through me. Laughter was not something I did anymore unless I was spending time with Ativan and Leisa.
“While you were gone, I did some thinking.”
I lifted a brow. All winter, shehadseemed more pleasant to me, less intimidating, but we still fought.
“I think we can hire out for the tannery when the time comes.”
“What?”
She laughed at my stunned expression. “I know your heart is in weapon-making. I should be thankful that you enjoy any part of our business as much as you do. I’d hoped you’d start to enjoy this, but that’s clearly not the case. It's not fair making you do something you hate. I don’t want to make you do this with your future.”
“What about the ball—”
“Oh, no. You are going to the damned balls, Autumn. Praise the beyond; you would never meet any eligible men if you didn’t. You’d spend all your time in the forest or the forge and meet no one.”
She was not wrong—not at all, but I still groaned.
However, things were lighter with us as we took a break for lunch. I felt as though I’d had another breakthrough in my life.
Life was slowly coming together. I wanted to be a weaponsmith like my father, and now I had my mother’s blessing to take on that role. I could not be more grateful.
Remade
“Be extra watchful, my boy. Something wicked is brewing.” Bereille’s whispered words caught me off guard as I thrust my blade away from his face at the last minute. I’d almost landed a hit when his words struck me.
The queen had left for a few days. She didn’t tell Bereille or me what she was doing or where she’d gone. Still, no one dared to speak out against her or say anything that might get back to her. Bereille and I allowed ourselves a bit of small talk during our training. It's all I do these days. I trained and trained more. I spent my energy each day with a blade, and my muscles ached each night. Most nights, the queen called me to her bed chambers. Frequently I was alone with her, and she made me do things I had never expected her to allow another individual to do to her, rough stuff she did to others. She was giving up a little of her insecurity and control tome. I didn’t understand, but it made me hate her more. It made me loathe myself still more.
Her touch was not gentle, not pleasant. It was as painful and torturous as it always was, but nowmytouches were no longer gentle. I took out my anger and frustration on her, and I became even more of a monster by doing so.
Autumn’s words rang in my ears.Don’t let what others make you do, and their actions define you.
But I was still doing that. I was still letting Amira define me. Define who I was and how I managed myself. I would never touch a woman the way the queenmademe touch her. It was crude, violent, and unacceptable, yet she expected it of me. I hung my head in shame when I was alone. Whom I had become was repulsive.
Others looked upon me with envy.
If they only knew that the high of power and personal time with Amira was terrifying and sickening. I’d trade places with anyone that wanted it.
