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“Maybe just one road trip?”
“Coach won’t like that.” I know he’s been riding Carter about keeping focused, and I don’t want to be the one to disrupt him.
“Coach won’t be in my room after the game, but I really would like you to be.”
“Maybe,” I say just to move on from the topic.
“I haven’t heard much from E.J. lately. Everything good with him?” Carter asks.
“Yep. He’s definitely been in full E.J. mode.”
“That’s good.” I look to Carter, grateful that he cares enough to ask about one of my students. “What?”
“Nothing.” I focus back on my phone, pushing away the premature thought. It’s much too soon and ridiculously audacious. I wouldn’t dare admit to him that I wonder what kind of father he would be. He didn’t have a good example, that’s for certain, but I can’t see him being anything other than a great dad. At any rate, that’s not something that should be anywhere in my psyche.
“I need to get going.” He stands, placing the chair he’d been using back in its rightful spot before bending down to give me a kiss like it’s the most natural gesture in the world. “I’ll see you at home tonight.”
Home.
“Actually, I promised Tessa that I’d watch Finn tonight.”
“Oh, well I can swing by and hang with you and Finn after the game.”
“He’ll be asleep. Little kid, early bedtime.”
“Okay. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”
“Actually, I’ll be at the store this weekend. There’s a big county fair that’ll bring in extra customers.”
The look on his face confirms he’s seeing right through my excuses. “If you need a little space, let me know. But please don’t lie to me.”
“I figured you’d be busy getting ready for the road trip and all. You haven’t stayed at your house all week.” I try to play off the comment, but I wonder if he really wants to be at my place or is catering to me because he knows I’m not comfortable at his.
“Yet, this town has felt more like home in the past week than it ever did growing up.” He bends down, placing a tender kiss on my cheek before stepping back. “Call me if you have time.”
Even after he disappears, I watch the doorway. Why do I feel like I just took three steps back? I spooked myself, sure. But I would have freaked him out too if he knew how much I didn’t want to be away from him.
The rest of my day already feels off knowing he won’t be part of the routine. That isn’t necessarily a good thing or healthy mindset. No doubt he would hightail it out of here if he knew how much him calling my placehomemeant to me after I was imagining what type of father he would be. Oh, the places my mind can go so easily with him. Places that it shouldn’t because I’m not who he wants me to be. I can’t follow him around all summer with hopes of capturing a few minutes here and there.
I have my own life. If I make it all about him, it’ll be harder to get back on track when he leaves. And he will, he said it. Canaan Falls long term isn’t his plan, not with Cash here, and I can’t imagine living anywhere else. I’m right back where I started weeks ago: Nothing about Carter Barlowe and me make sense.
28
CARTER
I know I have too much damn time on my hands. Why else would I be sitting in the driveway of my mom’s house on a Sunday evening? Maybe it’s the fact that my phone hasn’t rang or received one message from Avery since I walked out of her classroom Friday morning. Maybe it’s the thought that Bodie and the Whitlocks are having a wonderful family Sunday while I’m left to stare at the wall of my house or the wall of the clubhouse. Alone.
Walking up the stone walkway, I push the doorbell and take a breath. My mom’s expression tells me she’s as shocked to see me as I am to be at her doorstep.
“Carter, is everything all right?” She gestures for me to come inside. I step over the threshold of the home I purchased for her years ago for the first time.
“No. Nothing is all right.” I glance around the house that looks inviting but makes my skin crawl because I feel so out of place. “I want to know why.”
“Why what?” Mom watches me with confusion. “Carter, come in, have a seat. We can sort out whatever is on your mind.”
“You don’t even know what’s going on with me, so you have no clue what’s on my mind. I live three miles from here, and I haven’t seen you in over a year.”
“You never accepted my invitation to visit, so I stopped trying.” Her eyes drop to the floor. Avoiding. Hiding. That’s what she does. Pretends like it never happened.
