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My brain hurts, my fingers ache, my chest feels like an empty void. I can imagine him sitting with his wife and Maria, his hand on her belly, laughing and joking and sharing love and everything he promised me.
But I knew this would happen because he promised it to her first.
I had no right to claim it. To claim him. His promises meant nothing. I should have known that from the second he made them.
Leaning back, I stare up at the ceiling feeling a deep bitterness that I have never felt before. The pain is so unbearable I even consider throwing myself from the roof. Wanting to see his reaction from the other world. Wanting to hurt him as badly as I’m hurting. How weak does that make me? How deluded? Yet I feel it anyway.
But who can blame me for feeling so empty? What do I have really? Laurie, who is moving on with her own life… and the lost promises of a family I’ve always wanted.
I was fine before him, so why do I feel so empty and hollow without him now? Why do I feel as though I simply can’t function without him crawling into my bed each night?
And then I remember that for the past six months I can confidently say he has been my best friend and losing him is derailing my life in a way I was never prepared for. I don’t like change and suddenly I’m in the midst of it in a really bad way.
I leave Ezra’s office while clutching the envelope in a tight grasp.
Laurie and I meet in the middle between her apartment and the office, though it must be said I probably shouldn’t be driving in my current state.
She hugs me immediately, holding me tighter than she ever has in the middle of the street in front of everybody.
“What am I going to do?” I whisper, pained and broken.
She pulls back and while trying to wipe away my tears, she slaps me around the face and then yanks her own hair.
I laugh but the happy feeling vanishes faster than it came.
“First we’re going on this all-expenses paid vacation that you booked for yourself.” Because apparently Ezra changed his ticket to her name. That’s how certain he was that we are ending. “And we’re going to have the time of our lives. SEX ON THE COCKTAIL GLASS!”
“Minus the last part.”
“And then we’re going to come back and you’re going to do one of two things. One…” She clicks her fingers and goes to slap me again. I grab her wrist but otherwise we don’t acknowledge it. I know really she wants to slap Ezra. “We’re going to find you a new job and get you as far away from him as possible. Two… we’re going to stay; keep the job you have and make him see everything he’s missing.”
“His wife is pregnant.”
“One… how do we even know it’s his? Two… so what?”
I level her with a look. “I have morals. She doesn’t deserve this.”
“Again… so what? That’s your man. He loves you. Win him back or move on. Or make his life hell for hurting you. Either one is good. I like the latter. Can we do the latter? DICK IN A BLENDER!”
“I definitely vote that last one,” I mutter, trying to joke but it falls flat when my lips quiver.
“Aren’t you mad? He promised you the fucking world.”
“I’m so hurt I don’t have space for much else.”
She links her arm through mine and guides me to my car. “Drive us home so I can pack, and we can vacation this funk right out of you. We don’t need men to be happy. We don’t need to be normal to be happy. You just have to remember that.”
When I burst into more tears, she hugs me again, and then slaps me. But this time I think it was on purpose.
Going on vacation with your best friend immediately after a breakup is probably the best thing you can do. The first two days hurt like hell, but after that we got so drunk, I was all, “Ezra who?” Well… for the most part. If I saw anybody kissing or acting all loved up it made me feel irrationally angry and extremely sad.
To say I started sobbing at random times would be an understatement. I’m a weak fool, but I’m in love. Or I was, now I’m just in anger.
And Laurie has talked me into keeping hold of that anger. She thinks I should get revenge; she thinks I should make his life hell. Perhaps she’s right.
I can find another job, but in the meantime, I’m going to make him see what he let go. I think at this point the only thing that will help me move on is hurting him as much as he has hurt me. Reeling him back in and doing something to him so horrific he cries as much as I have.
