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I don’t wander far, mostly because the sky’s grey with thick clouds and my ankles are aching with each step. The farthest I go is a mile before heading back. It’s beautiful out here. I want to go to the cliff edge at some point, not too close because my fear of heights will paralyse me, but close enough to look over the countryside. There’s no sea here which is sad as I’ll miss the sounds and smells, but the air is fresh and the views are stunning so I don’t mind too much.
I’m back at the house and it’s a little bit cold so I fiddle around with the thermostat until I hear the hum of the radiators heating up. Next I explore, this place is big and beautiful and way too clean. My nesting instincts don’t kick in like they usually do.
His cleaner is obviously brilliant, I bet she gets paid well. I can’t see a speck of dirt anywhere. Although the scent of bleach lingers in every single room. It’s irritating, I need to get rid of that.
So that’s what I set out to do next, I keep away from his room and also his study when I discover it on the first floor. The first thing I do is almost gag on the strong scent of bleach. It’s almost burning my nose. The room is spotless, I doubt there’s even a speck of dust in the air.
I back away slowly and move on to the next room.
Three hours later I’ve managed to give the house a little bit of air, but now it’s freezing again so I shut all the windows and turn the heating back up. That’s the extent of what I do for the day. Not including raiding the fridge and finding nothing but organic fruit, veg and fresh meat.
I can live with this.
Heading up to my room, which is large and actually quite feminine and beautiful in a floral sense, I sit on the padded window seat, my phone in my hand. All the while skimming through a book that I’m not actually focusing on. It’s raining, rather badly now. Every drop hits the window like a tiny baseball. It sounds like I’m in a green house, that’s how heavy the droplets are on the window. The rattling sounds like it’s coming from every direction.
It’s depressing.
I give up on the book and climb into my temporary bed instead.
My bed is comfy but it doesn’t smell like Caleb, it still offers me the security I need at present. Burying my face under the covers I close my eyes and shut off my thoughts. Back into the abyss I go.
******
Waking at nine I have time to call my boss and quit, I apologize for not giving him notice but he’s completely fine with it considering the circumstances and wishes me the best of luck. I don’t want to go downstairs, I want to stay in bed but my stomach is eating itself. No matter how sad I am I need to put the baby first.
I have breakfast which consists of toasted brown bread and beans.
What Nathan doesn’t know won’t hurt. I would’ve preferred eggs but I can’t see any in the fridge or anywhere else. My thoughts go back to what he said yesterday. Does he think they’re bad for the baby or does he just have a problem with eggs in general? Do I honestly care?
I’m certain it’s raw eggs that aren’t brilliant for pregnant women and not cooked eggs so his concerns don’t worry me. Not that I can actually call his concerns, concerns. This is because he doesn’t seem bothered he just seems like the type that likes to be in control and this is a shitty situation so those urges are kicking in, in all of the wrong places.
I’m sure he means well.
I wonder what he’s doing. Maybe he’s on a business conference or something.
I know Caleb’s father owns a chain of jewellery stores spread across five countries and it’s forever expanding. He owns the company that finds the gems and the company that finds the metal. I’m not sure how rich this makes him or how rich this makes Nathan or if they’re even rich at all.
Obviously they probably are and this house certainly screams ‘wealthy’ but it doesn’t scream ‘Bill Gates’. Not that I care. It’s just something to think about to keep my mind off the other issues I have to deal with.
Like the fact I’m technically a widow. Oh my god. I’m a widow… sort of.
That’s something you read about, or hear about, or see in older people. It’s not something you experience at the age of twenty one.
Well, twenty one as of seven weeks ago.
I know it is something people experience at this age, I’m not stupid. You hear about it but you never think it’s going to happen to you. I wish we’d taken out life insurance, safeguarded our future.
