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I asked myself the same thing on a daily basis. Trust me. I don’t get it either.
“Sure you’re good company but you’re nothing special.” He grits out and my heart breaks further. “Nothing special.”
“You can stop now,” I sniff and wipe my eyes with the inside of my sleeve. “You’ve said enough.”
His breath seems to catch in his throat but he says nothing else. I don’t want him to say anything. I just want to leave.
I’ve had enough now.
I don’t deserve this.
We drive home in silence, the tension as thick as syrup lingers in the air leaving a bad taste in my mouth and the urge to vomit is prominent. As soon as we pull over outside of the house I climb from the car and walk towards the door. Nathan swiftly follows and unlocks it.
“Gwen,” he says, his tone a lot softer than it was. I ignore him and immediately ascend the stairs, he follows, hot on my heels. “Gwen.” His tone is more urgent this time.
Stomping into my bedroom I slam the door behind me, but it doesn’t slam as he catches it with one hand.
“Gwen,” his voice is quiet, softer than I’ve ever heard it.
Grabbing my suitcase, I throw it on the bed and begin throwing clothes out of my closet.
“Gwen,” he repeats, ducking as a shoe flies by his head.
When he sees I have no more shoes to throw out of the closet he steps towards me, his hand grabbing my wrist. I don’t look up at him, I stare straight ahead at the row of clothes, ironed and hung up on the single rail.
“I shouldn’t have taken my anger out on you,” he steps even closer, his chest now only two inches from my arm. “I’m sorry. Forgive me.”
“Forgive you?” I laugh once and angrily wipe the tears from my eyes. “What’s to forgive?”
“Gwen,” he turns me to face him.
“I envy you,” I whisper, staring at his tie as my lip trembles and my body is overcome with grief. “I envy your inability to feel a thing. I envy how cold you are. I envy how mean and unfeeling you are.”
“I didn’t mean it, I was angry,” his free hand reaches up to cup my cheek, I look him dead in the eyes and see the remorse there. “I’m not a nice person when I’m angry. You were close by and… I took it out on you.”
“Let go of me,” I tug myself free and continue gathering my things. My shoulder hits his chest as I shove past, my arms filled with clothes.
As I bend over my suitcase he waits by the door, his tongue once again teasing his lower lip. “I don’t have to help you, Gwen. But I am. I’m here, you have somewhere to live, and you have everything you need. I promised you I’d provide for you and that’s what I’m doing.”
“You don’t want me here. I’m here because of the guilt you feel.”
“Guilt over what?” He scoffs, spinning me around again. I’m sick of being spun.
“I don’t know!” I shout, looking into his broken eyes and feeling my heart stammer. “I don’t know what guilt you feel. What other reason am I here?” He doesn’t respond but I see a shadow of emotion flicker in his eyes. Almost like he has an answer to that question but refuses to say it. Chris, I don’t even care right now. “Let me go.”
“And where will you go? What will you do?”
“I don’t care.”
“You’re not leaving, I’ve apologised, now put it behind you. It’s not worth it.”
“Christ, you are such an…” Don’t swear, don’t make him angrier than he already is. “I don’t know… I just… move out of my bloody way.”
“I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry. Is that what you want to hear?”
“I don’t want anything from you.”
“Whether you want it or not,” he snaps, giving my arm a shake to bring my eyes to his. I almost cower at the anger and darkness swirling in his light brown irises. “You need it. If you leave, where are you going to go? You have nobody to turn to.”
“I’ll figure it out,” I continue throwing things in my case. In a flash it’s gone from my bed and is hitting the wall with a loud thud. The contents spill out all over the ground.
He did not just do that.
Nathan stands to the side, his chest heaving, “You’re not leaving. Do you understand?”
“You can’t hold me here.”
“I will if I have to. I made a mistake, I got angry and I’ve apologised. I’ll say it a thousand times if I have to. I’m sorry, I’m fucking sorry,” he glares down at me, his breath coming out in shallow pants. “I will lock you in this room, don’t test me.”
My mouth drops open, I take a step back. He wouldn’t dare… he couldn’t. There’s no way he’d do that.
