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“Shout at me, get angry with me, do something. Just don’t leave,” I’m startled by the desperation in his voice but it does nothing to deter me.
“I would, but you’re not that special,” I hiss as venomously as he hissed it at me.
“You’re right,” he says without blinking and comes closer. “I’m not. I don’t pretend to be. But you are,” his hand grips me by the back of my neck. “You are. Caleb didn’t deserve you Gwen. I’ll never deserve you.”
What? What does that even mean?
“Stay,” he dips his head to look me directly in the eye. His head now only an inch from mine. “I’m sorry. Believe me,” His hand wraps around mine and it’s soon pressed against his chest. I feel his rapid pulse beneath my fingers, mine speeds up with it, shocked at his… well… this entire situation. I know how difficult it must be for him to touch my hand and the fact he hasn’t yet pulled away seems to startle us both. “I’ve never been sorrier in my life.”
Another tear falls from my eye, wetting a path behind it.
“I’ll stay out of your way I promise.”
Closing my eyes for a moment I listen to his ragged breathing whilst feeling his heartbeat under my hand. What options do I have? I don’t have any. It’s either: stay here and figure out a way to get money to move on with, or leave and struggle.
My confused thoughts and feelings don’t relent and the fog that is my mind only thickens with each passing second.
Guilt encompasses me in a relentless embrace as I realise I like having my hand there, I like being in Nathan’s company. I’m not sure if it’s because of some strange attachment issues now his brother’s gone but I feel it all the same. The broken look in his eyes seems to spark a whole new feeling, a feeling where I want to get to the depth of his break and put the pieces back together.
I’m going against Caleb’s wishes being here. I promised him I’d stay away from Nathan. I had no other choice but to come… or did I? Am I just making excuses so I can be close to the man that looks like my dead lover?
Nathan presses his lips to my forehead and takes a step back, “Get some rest, and think on it. If you still want to leave in the morning I’ll arrange accommodation for you.”
I nod. This is a good bargain to agree to. “Okay.”
“Gwen,” he says before leaving the room. I look up, his broken eyes tearing into my soul. “I am truly sorry.”
“I know.”
He dips his head and leaves the room, closing the door behind him.
What am I doing?
What am I doing here?
Chapter TWelve
I go to my next doctor’s appointment, Jeanine drops me off and waits for me to finish. I’m not diabetic, I’m perfectly healthy but my baby is going to be huge. This should cheer me up, the baby and everything is alright; it just doesn’t. My mind is still in a funk over yesterday’s events. I want to go to Mr and Mrs Weston and claw at their faces whilst hissing and spitting like a cat. I want to scream at them for being so cold and cruel.
There’s one thing I know for sure, when they realise this is Caleb’s baby they can kiss their rights as grandparents, goodbye.
Jeanine notices my silence and tries to get me talking but I can’t. I just don’t feel like it. She soon gives up but I know she doesn’t hold it against me.
Thoughts of Caleb are once again prominent in my mind. It’s hard to deal with. I miss him so much and he should’ve been there for the doctor’s appointment. He should have been there with me, holding my hand and getting excited.
Nothing about this excites me anymore.
I don’t understand any of this. I don’t understand their hate and anger for me. This isn’t something I’ve brought to Nathan’s attention before, it’s not something I’ve asked him but I can’t deny the temptation to. What have I done that’s made two clearly well raised people, hate me so damn bad?
Why would they cut Nathan off like they did Caleb? Is it truly because of what their mother said? Because Caleb spent his last moments with me?
How is that my fault? Neither of us knew he was going to die.
Maybe it’s the guilt they feel for shunning him and now that they’ve lost him they wish they could have that time back.
I don’t know.
None of this makes sense.
When I finally get back to Nathan’s I’m relieved to see he’s absent, much like he was this morning. I don’t know where he is and I don’t really care. He’s a grown man, he can do what he wants.
