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“I don’t care,” I grumble and pull the blanket over my head, smiling to myself.
“Come on.” He says and tries to pull the blanket away.
“No. You eat it.”
He chuckles, how I’ve missed that throaty laugh. “I’ll just come in there with you and then neither of us will eat the breakfast I made. Just for you.”
“Go away, Caleb.” I whine and feel him slip into the bed behind me. “You probably only made cereal anyway.”
He scoffs, feigning offence, “I did not.”
“Toast then.”
“Damn it, you know me too well.” He runs his lips over the curve of my neck, his hand resting against my moving stomach. “I miss this.”
“Me too,” I say quietly and turn to face him. His light brown eyes shine in the dark, bringing tears to mine. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Gwenny.” He wraps his arms tight around me, his cheek pressed against mine. I love the feel of his breath against my ear, it makes my body tingle in the most delicious way. “You’re perfect the way you are. Don’t ever change. Never leave me. Never. I know it’s selfish but I…”
My heart starts hammering as Caleb’s healthy face distorts for a moment, suddenly I’m staring into the eyes of a sick man.
“I’ll never leave you,” I promise. “Just do me the same. Don’t leave me.”
“I love you,” he says, his eyes filling with tears. They fall as he presses his mouth to mine. “So much.”
“Then why’d you leave me?”
“I almost forgot,” he smiles and slides down my body. I feel his lips press against my protruding stomach. “Love you baby Weston.”
“Caleb,” I reach down to haul him back up to me. My hands find nothing but air. “Caleb!” I try to sit up but something’s weighing me down. No, I want to go with him. Let me go with him!
My body jolts, zapping an electric current all through my legs and heart. I sit bolt upright, facing a dark room with sweat beading on my forehead. The space in bed beside me is empty and my grief returns tenfold. I feel like I’ve just lost him all over again.
Nathan sleeps peacefully on the couch as it’s still dark out. I don’t want to wake him but I can’t stay in this bed. So I climb out and pad over to the bathroom to splash some water on my face. It does little to refresh me.
I sit on the closed toilet and rest my head in my hands, my hair falls around me in black curtains, shutting the world out and locking the pain in. Tears pool in my eyes, when I blink the first tear falls and then another. They sting my cool face. Another reminder that I’m a lonely mess with serious issues. My grief outweighs any of the good I’ve felt over the past couple of months. Although that’s not saying much seeing as I’ve hardly felt any good.
The door handle is pulled down and the door clicks open. “Gwen?” Nathan says and I feel him squat before me. His hands go to my wrists, I’m blinded by light as he pulls my hands away from my face. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I inhale a deep breath, willing my emotions to settle. “I just need a minute.”
“Is this because of earlier?” He looks pained. “Because I am very sorry for…”
I don’t even want to think about that right now, “No. It’s… that’s not why I’m crying.”
“Then why are you crying?”
“I’m always crying, Nathan,” I admit and wipe my eyes with a piece of tissue.
Standing, I move away from him and stop in front of the sink. Resting my weight on my hands which grip the edge of the basin.
“Talk to me,” he pleads and stands behind me, I look at him in the mirror through swollen eyes.
“I miss him.”
He takes a step closer and runs his fingers through my hair, it’s relaxing, soothing, but it’s not his hands I want. “Me too.”
“Why’d he die?” I whisper, my eyes still on his. “Do you think he fought to stay alive?”
“I know for a fact he did. Caleb wouldn’t want to leave you.”
“But he did.”
Nathan shrugs, “I know, and one day you’ll leave. So will I. It happens every day.”
“I know that, I know it happens. I’ve just… it’s just never happened to me before. I’ve never lost anybody that I love.” Touch wood. “And then I lost him, I lost the one person who made me feel like… he just made me feel. He was perfect.”
“He wasn’t perfect, Guinevere.”
I scowl at him, “To me he was and always will be. That’s what love is.”
“Blind?”
He just doesn’t get it. “When you’re in love you learn to accept everything about that person and you love them for it, so even though little things annoy you, you know that it’s one of the many things that make them who they are. And when you love them so deeply you can feel it in your bones; that makes them perfect. Because you appreciate everything they are and everything they do.”
