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Starting tomorrow I’ll make it clearer. It’ll be as clear as crystal.
We’re friends and friends only.
Maybe I should leave but I can barely even comprehend the thought of going back to my mum’s. I don’t trust her, this sounds horrible but I genuinely don’t trust her to keep her word and I doubt I’ll be as happy with her as I am here with Nathan.
Plus… I think he needs me.
I think he needs me almost as much as I need him.
******
The next day I don’t get a chance to hint to Nathan about our current relationship status as he left immediately after breakfast. He looked exhausted but determined so I packed him a lunch, straightened his tie and sent him on his way. Then I kicked myself for not keeping myself at a distance.
When he got home he had a quick dinner, almost sleeping at the table. I sent him up to bed immediately, a little worried about him.
It’s now dinner time the next night and he’s still up there. He hasn’t left his room once. I want to go up to see if he’s okay but I daren’t invade his space.
He’s avoided me before but he’s always come down at some point to eat something. Plus he has no reason to avoid me right now.
Maybe he’s just tired. Or maybe he has company.
I’m not sure why but the latter annoys me a little.
Another hour passes and now I’m really worried. I’ve checked the fridge and nothing is missing, his breakfast went untouched, his lunch and his dinner.
Decision made.
I’m going up there.
Why am I so scared? It’s like that point in a scary movie when they’re facing the attic, knowing they have to go up there but really not wanting to. If that was me I’d probably poop a little.
I stand at the door at the far end of the long hall that leads to Nathan’s space. My hand trembles as I grip the handle, my body tensing as if ready for an alarm to start blaring. It opens without issue or dramatics.
Phew. No ninjas then.
“Nathan?” I call out and flick on the light, showing a steep and narrow staircase, carpeted in soft deep blue. The walls match. “Nathan?” I call louder and with one hand on the railing I ascend. “Hello?”
Nothing.
Shit.
When I reach the top I see three doors, one of them is open showing the inside of a closet, full of old boxes. I’m assuming they’re files so I leave that and play eeny-meeny between the other two.
“Nathan?” I knock on door number one and then door number two. No response. Darn.
Door number one opens without sound, I push it only six inches or so and peek into the room, it’s dark and large but I can make out a huge four poster bed. There’s also a large lump in the middle.
I open the door further and almost gag at the scent of bleach. You never get used to it, no matter who says you do, they’re lying.
Wow, it’s freakishly tidy in here.
“Nathan?” I say, staring at the unmoving body shape on the bed hidden under deep blue blankets. My heart starts hammering. This isn’t happening again.
Caleb was a one off. Nobody would be this unlucky.
But what if it’s hereditary?
My nose starts to tingle as tears pool in my eyes, feelings so fresh come back to memory. I almost don’t go to Nathan but I can’t leave him.
I silently pad towards him, sniffing the air for any sign of that sickly sweet smell that seemed to suffocate me when I woke up next to Caleb. The bleach is too prominent, there’s no room for another scent.
“Nathan?” I almost sob but I hold it back and reach for the top of the blanket with a shaking hand. Imagining myself puling it back, all I can see is a lifeless form. I’m so scared. I don’t want to do this. “Nathan!”
I wrap my fingers around the edge of the blanket and like a plaster, I rip it back over his head and to his naked shoulders.
Oh thank god. I’ve never felt such relief before.
He’s lying on his stomach, the side of his face squished into the mattress, his lips partly open but glistening with recent moisture from his tongue and quivering with each breath. One of his hands grips the mattress above his tousled locks that seem to have no clear direction in mind.
“Nathan,” I repeat and gently place my hand on the back of his shoulder. He lets out a low moan and burrows into the bed further, sniffing a not too pleasant sniff through his nose. My hand jolts back from his hot and clammy skin, my body does the same.
The last time this happened… no I can’t go back there. I just need to… shit.
“Nathan?” I roll the blanket further down his back and sit on the side of the bed.
