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“So why have sex at all?”
He clears his throat, shifting uncomfortably on the spot. “I can’t reach climax without some kind of stimulation from somebody else. I’m assuming it’s a side effect from…” He doesn’t need to finish for me to understand what he’s saying.
Not even through masturbation? “Wow. That’s messed up.” I have no idea what to say to make it better. I don’t think anything I can say will make it better. “It’s also the biggest pile of S. H. I. T. I’ve ever heard.”
“Gwen…”
“No, I’m serious! You’re not them!” I throw my arm out, pointing down the drive to emphasise my point. “You’ll never be them! You’re amazing…”
“You don’t know that. What if once I get a true feel for what it’s like, what if I lose control and start exploring other options?” He pulls my hands away from his face. “I don’t want to be a monster.”
“Have you ever thought of… a child in that way?” Please say no…
He lurches back, clearly repulsed by the idea, “Of course not. But I did shove you in my sleep!”
I almost laugh. That’s hardly a fair comparison. “Nathan…”
Shaking his head, he moves away and runs his hands through his hair. “I’m screwed up. I can’t even touch an apple with my bare hand. And I know with one hundred percent certainty that I’ll never allow myself to lose control.”
This is way above my pay grade. I have no idea what to say or do. I can see why he’d think that, but I also know in the very depths of my soul that he’d never, ever hurt a child the way he was hurt. He’d never even entertain the sick idea of it.
“Nathan…” I place my hand on his shoulder. “I love you. We’ll get help, see a professional or something.”
“You don’t think I haven’t?” He laughs coldly, shrugging my hand off his shoulder. “I never should have… you can’t fix me any more than I can fix myself.”
“Please.” I’m not entirely sure what I’m pleading for. I just know he needs to listen.
“Seeing you with Eric, it killed me. Knowing I could lose you. You deserve normal and he is normal. He can give you everything I can’t, so why choose me?” He laughs coldly. “Out of guilt? Obligation?”
“Out of love and the fact that I need you.”
Looking at me over his shoulder, he slowly turns back towards me, his lower lip glistening from where his tongue has teased it. “You should tell me to go.”
“I don’t want to.”
“I love you, Gwen. Truly I do, with all of my heart and soul, but you deserve better. You deserve everything. I finally understand why Caleb took you from me that day on the beach.”
“Caleb did that because he was an arsehole! That had nothing to do with this.” I shout, but he completely blanks me and climbs in the car. “You’re not unfixable.” He doesn’t respond, even though I know he’s heard me by the way his lips pinch and his shoulders sag. “I’m not giving up on you, but if you give up on yourself, I’m not sure even I can bring you back. This is just… I’m not sure what this is. But it needs to stop.” He opens his mouth to talk, but I quickly cut him off. “I love you. We’re not breaking up. We’re not leaving each other and we’re going to do this properly. The past is the past. Let’s just leave it there.”
“Gwen…”
“You can’t keep doing this to yourself, or to us. That will break us. Thinking about Caleb hurts me, but I don’t bring him up every time I’m feeling down and I certainly don’t blame our problems on him. You can’t keep doing that either. Your problems and us don’t relate. We’re us, and that was then. Two separate things.”
“It affects me every day. It affects you every day.”
“We’ll get past it. You’ll get past it.”
He nods once and bites his lower lip. I can see the wheels turning in his head.
Cupping his cheek with my hand, I look directly into his eyes. “You’ll never be them. I’ll never let you be them. You’re too good a person to ever be them. Trust me.”
“I’ve ruined the day now, haven’t I?” He smiles, grabbing me by the waist and pulling me flush with his body.
“No, I’m glad we talked. It’s nice to kind of get it out in the open, you know?”
He kisses my lips gently. “I know.”
“So, shall we go inside?”
Walking over to the pram, he clicks off the brakes and begins pushing Dillan to the door. “It’s probably a good idea.” Once inside, he leans over the baby and carefully lifts him out. “Come on little man. Are these new jeans?”
Snort. “They’re the ones you bought for him.” I smile when Dillan stretches, flexing his long legs out while bringing his arms to his head. When he opens his mouth to yawn, Nathan kisses it, causing Dillan to startle, making his little arms and legs jerk.
