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“Yeah, let’s try.” I press my mouth to his and with remarkable skill, I work the sheet from between us as he’s distracted. His eyes fly open when he realises what he’s done. “Just try, that’s all I’m asking. It’s not a big deal if you can’t, but you need to get over it sooner or later and I think I can help you with that.”
He shakes his head. “You know it’s not about whether I can or can’t, Gwen.”
“I know. And I think you’ve been doing this for so long, you don’t know how to do it any other way anymore.”
“I don’t feel comfortable with this.”
“Doesn’t it tempt you at all?” I ask, referring to my naked parts against him. “How do you control yourself when you’re actually inside?”
He blinks and exhales a slow breath. “With extreme difficulty.”
So if I push hard enough, eventually he’ll give in?
“I can see what you’re thinking. Please don’t,” he says, almost harshly. “Please Gwen. You said we’d take it slow.”
I shrug. “We are. Like I said, if you don’t want to try, then push me away right now and we’ll have sex the way we usually do.”
There’s a long pause and neither of us seems to breathe. I take this as a ‘please continue,’ and do just that. My mouth finds his neck. Then his chest, then his navel.
Then I’m on my back and Nathan has my hands either side of my head. “Not tonight,” he whispers, kissing my lips sweetly.
I can’t hide my disappointment. I got quite excited then. As soon as it comes, I push it away and nod with a reassuring smile. It’s too late though, he sees my disappointment and winces.
Crap.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Gwen, I’ve fed, changed and bathed Dillan. He was sleeping when I left. Got a call at seven, had to rush to the store. I should be back later but don’t worry if I’m not.
I’ll call you.
I love you.
N
P.S. You looked too peaceful to wake.
I sigh and place the note back on the pillow. Dillan is definitely no longer asleep. I, however, still want to sleep. We may not have had sex last night, but we did stay up until three in the morning play fighting and then talking.
It was a good night, but a tense one; that’s why we started play fighting I think. He’s rough. I wish he’d be a bit more like that while penetrating me.
Dillan smiles as soon as he sees me. It’s beautiful and it warms me down to my toes.
“I love you too little man,” I say as I lift him up and out of his cot. When I see his outfit, I stare for a few moments, blinking rapidly. Then I throw my head back and laugh. “Uncle is a git isn’t he?”
Dillan is in a baby sized suit. He looks ready to go to a wedding or a christening. Where did Nathan get this? It’s adorable and I refuse to change him out of it now.
“Let’s go and see Tiffany.” I carry him downstairs and place him in his pram.
Once I’m ready and the changing bag is full, I exit the house into the unusually warm sun and talk to Dillan about everything I see that I wish he could see and point at.
We’ve been walking for about ten minutes when something catches my eye. Looking to my right I see a new poster along the clock tower and frown. It’s a mattress commercial I think. The words seem to penetrate something deep inside of me,
What would you do if you were to wake up tomorrow and see that this was all a dream? Would you do it all over again?
To which a unicorn responds:
I’d buy a new mattress.
That’s not an answer… it also doesn’t make sense. I feel cheated.
What would I do if I were to wake up tomorrow and see that this was all a dream and Caleb were alive and we were getting ready to be married? It seems like an unfair question to ask myself. Would I be able to let the love I have for Caleb go to be with his brother?
Wow… I just totally caved in my own mind. I have no idea who I’d choose.
There’s no use thinking like this though. It’s stupid and pointless. Caleb isn’t coming back and I’m not going to wake up and realise this was a dream.
What’s worse is the fact that if it is a dream, I don’t think I want to wake up.
A new wave of guilt fills me, but I push it away. I’m human. I don’t have anything to feel guilty about right now. It’s time to move on. If Nathan is the man I move on with, then so be it.
Sorry Caleb, but my mind is made up.
I make it to Tiffany’s in record time and smile when her three year old son answers the door.
