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I type a text to Nathan reading, ‘How’s Patricia?’ but with a shaky thumb I press delete and let my head fall back heavily against the headrest. A tear falls in the same spot my thumb just vacated on my phone so I wipe the screen on my thigh and drop my phone onto the passenger seat. I need to calm myself enough to drive to work, though I really want to call in sick. It wouldn’t be a lie; I’m one wave of nausea away from throwing up.
What am I going to do? I can’t allow this. What is going through his head?
It takes me a short while to gather the strength to unfold my weakening body out of the car. The cool breeze helps the pain in my head but not the pain stabbing through my heart.
I keep trying to convince myself that there’s some reasonable explanation to this but I won’t allow myself to permit him to lie to me so badly. He’s had my children around that monster. What is wrong with him?
There’s no excusing this, even if there is a reasonable explanation, which I doubt there is. There is no rationalising his lying to me. How will we get past this? It feels impossible. I’m not sure I’ll be able to look him in the eye.
“Don’t be late again!” Kerim shouts the second I step through the door. “I should send you home but Patience is ill.”
“Sorry, Chef,” I say quietly as I pass him, my head down.
I get changed in record time and put myself into the kitchen, relieved to see I don’t have to oversee anything today. I’m not sure I have the willpower or strength.
Preparing food for meals I should have finished already, I dive into my work, distracting myself from the realities of life.
Kerim blanks me. I can tell he’s upset with me and rightfully so. My home life shouldn’t be interfering with my work. I’ve never seen anybody else in this kitchen come in late because of a marriage spat or similar. There’s still so much growing up I must do. Maybe Nathan wouldn’t lie to me if I wasn’t so naïve.
The day goes by and I’m proud of myself for not checking my phone a single time.
When the restaurant begins to empty and cleaning in the kitchen begins, I feel trapped. I want to go home to my kids but I know that the second I step through the front door, everything is going to change. I’m terrified.
My colleagues start filtering out of the exit, saying tired goodbyes. I hang back and wait for Kerim to exit his office. I owe him an apology.
“You’re still here?” He blinks, his eyes red rimmed and tired.
I nod unnecessarily. “I feel bad for being late, especially seeing how busy we were.”
“It happens.” He waves me off and leans back against the wall. “Is all okay?”
Smiling, a lie on my face, I respond, “Of course, I was just a bit ill.”
“I think something is going around.”
“Yeah.” My hands tuck my hair behind my ears. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Good, on time?”
“On time.”
“Have a good night, Gwen.”
“Goodnight, Kerim.”
He walks me to the door and watches me to my car. Just before I climb in he yells, “Don’t be late!”
“I won’t.” Although I’m not sure what is going to happen now with regard to childcare.
Why can’t my life just be as easy as it was while I was pregnant with Emily? I was so happy then. Things were calm, stable, settled. Nathan was a dream. We were in heaven.
How do I approach this?
The man I love and trusted with my life is a liar and has been taking my children around a monster without speaking to me. What is wrong with him? Why would he hurt us like this?
I make it home and the house is dark. This is good. I don’t think I can fake it tonight. What I need is sleep and a clearer mind. Maybe I should write a list to tackle as I talk to him. Will it do any good?
I’m so terrified of everything that is going on with us. I have this horrible churning in my gut that whatever happens next is going to break us so badly there will be no return.
All I can see in my future is myself alone, two kids to two different fathers, a failed career and grey hairs before my time. So bleak and scary.
Have I given up on him already? What else can I do? The trust between us is shattered. I don’t see how this can be excused or rationalised.
Every part of me wants to avoid Nathan right now. I’ve never felt this way before. I don’t want to climb into bed beside him, though I know I have to. Until I figure how to go about this, I need to act normal. He can’t know that I know. I need to see this for myself and catch him with her. He’ll be too flustered to lie anymore and I’ll be too angry and focused for him to convince me that this is my fault.
