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“How chivalrous.” His sarcasm isn’t lost on either of us. Nathan growls in response so I push harder against his chest.
“I am so sorry, Kerim.” I turn to him and bite my lip. “Nathan’s not himself right now.”
“You’re kidding?” Nathan breathes. “You’re apologising for me?”
“You need to calm down or I won’t talk with you,” I yell, willing myself to calm down. I take a breath and look at the man on my left. “Kerim, I really appreciate your visit but I have things to… solve.”
“Of course,” Kerim whispers and pinches my chin between his finger and thumb. “I apologise for the intrusion. Are you sure you’ll be okay?”
“She’ll be fine,” Nathan snarls and I feel him tense with anger. “Just leave us.”
Kerim ignores him as I lead him to the door and thank him for the cake and apologise once more. He asks me if I’ll be okay and I assure him that I will be, before shutting the door after him. I take a few heavy breaths to calm myself. I want to throw things at Nathan. I want to scream at him. I don’t. Part of me knows that it won’t do any good and I know I’ll feel worse afterwards.
“Before you open your mouth,” I tell him, my voice deceptively calm as my fiery gaze catches his, “and say something that’ll never earn you my forgiveness on top of your physical assault on my boss.” At my words his eyes soften and a muscle in his jaw tics. “Let’s take a moment to calm down before beginning this conversation. Okay?”
“Why can’t you see that he wants you?” He asks, his tone one of exasperation.
“Oh my God,” I laugh, my tone more exasperated than his. “Are we ever going to get past this?”
“I want to,” Nathan whispers and rushes to me. “I want to stop feeling like this. When I’m not with you I make myself all of these promises that I’ll be different, that I’ll be able to trust with all of my heart, but… I just…” His hand threads into the back of my hair as the other one goes to my hip. “I can’t get the images of you and him together… you and any man.”
“That’s not fair on me.”
“I know.” He kisses my forehead and inhales deeply. “It’s my issue that I need to deal with. That’s just so much easier said than done.”
“It really isn’t. The sooner you take that leap of faith, the easier it becomes.”
“Gwen,” he whispers and slides his hand from my hair to cup my jaw. “I love you, with all of my heart, and before your aversion to us getting married, I did trust you, but,” he pauses and looks away. “Ever since you started postponing the planning of our marriage, I’ve been waiting for you to leave.”
“I’ve just not been ready to marry you yet. I don’t understand why you’ve felt as though we need to rush into it.”
“Because I love you.”
“Marrying me won’t stop me from cheating on you!” I snatch his hand away from my jaw and place it against my chest. “Only I can stop that and you need to trust in my love for you as I trust in your love for me.”
“I know that, okay?” Pulling away, he turns and looks at himself in the mirror. “I feel like with every passing day I become more desperate to keep you, despite the fact I know it’s wrong.”
“It’ll ruin us.”
“Hasn’t it already?”
“No,” I murmur and see the hope in his eyes come but then leave swiftly when I add, “The lying has. I could have worked past the fact you don’t trust me; I could have helped you with that. I can’t forgive the lying.”
“Gwen…”
“It’s all another form of distrust.” I shrug, feeling my eyes sting. “You don’t trust me enough with your inner thoughts.”
“So what happens now?” He asks softly, so softly a tear falls from my eye.
“You need to find somewhere else to live,” I respond and when his face crumples with pain it takes everything I have to not mirror it.
“You’re kicking me out? For real?” He asks, his voice cracking.
“Yes.”
“But…” His hands push through the front of his hair. “I can change.”
“Prove it.”
“How can I prove it if you’re forcing me to leave?”
“I don’t know, Nathan. I just know that I can’t live with a man who spits venomous words to hurt me while his mind deteriorates from a fictitious belief that I’m going to leave him for my boss.”
He rolls his eyes. “It’s hardly fictitious when that man wants you.”
“You’re just not getting it. This is hopeless.”
“It’s not hopeless; how can you say such a thing?”
“Maybe you were right,” I whisper and move into the kitchen. My throat is dry so I down the rest of my tea.
