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Like any other human being with a naturally occurring ego, I did not enjoy being made a fool of. But this was worse than your average humiliation. In addition to paying one hundred and thirty dollars to buy back my own car parts from the fucker who stole them in the first place, I was handing Ian an I-told-you-so opportunity on a silver platter. He’d told me not to park in this neighborhood, and I’d glibly ignored him. Now I was paying the price. Literally.
“Can you get me the screwdriver from the trunk?” I said.
He went to the back of my car and untaped the trunk. “Phillips or flathead?” he called.
“Flathead,” I called back.
When he came around to the front, I reattached my license plates while my automotive professional reinstalled my windshield.
“All done!” Mr. Greasestreaks said a few minutes later. “Can we expect you back in the neighborhood anytime soon? Where do you usually park?”
“Fuck off!”
We had driven about two blocks when Ian evidently couldn’t resist anymore. “I told you not to stop in that neighborhood.”
“You couldn’t wait to say that, could you?” I said as I turned right. “Good for you, you got your ‘I told you so’ in. Are you happy?”
“For what it’s worth,” he said. “I’m impressed.”
“Impressed with what? Me being suckered into paying a hundred and thirty dollars to buy back my own stolen car parts?”
“It could have gone down a lot worse,” he said. “I’m kind of thinking we got off easy, all things considered.”
I kept my eyes on the road ahead. “I guess.”
“So how much do we have left?”
“Gas?” I asked.
“Money.”
“We spent about ten each at the convenience store,” I said. “Then another ten at the grocery store. A hundred and thirty just now. And I’m going to have to pull off at that exit up there and fill the tank, so figure another forty or so. So two hundred left.”
“Wow,” he said. “All that math in your head. Impressive.”
Was he serious? “It’s basic addition and subtraction. A second grader could do it.”
“I was just trying to pay you a compliment.”
“Thanks,” I said. “But congratulating me for being able to subtract two hundred from four hundred is actually really insulting.”
“I just meant that most women like you aren’t necessarily that good at math.”
I was tempted to slam on the brakes and kick his ass out of my car.Women like you. I should be used to those words by now. After all, I’d been hearing them all my life. You’re pretty. You have big boobs. Pretty plus titty equals dummy. It was a self-evident truth to sexist, shallow pricks everywhere: if she’s attractive, she’s stupid.
“I can also read,” I said. “Even big words with a whole bunch of letters. Look, there are some now,” I said, pointing to the Connecticut sign. “Con... conukticat? Did I read that right? No, wait. Connec... Connecty-cut. Ooooh, that sounds like a fun country. Let’s go there. I’ve never been to Europe before.”
“Sorry,” he said. “I won’t make the mistake of trying to be nice to you again.”
“Using the word ‘nice’ a little loosely these days, aren’t we?”
“I won’t say another word for the rest of the trip, will that make you happy?”
“That would make me ecstatic,” I said. “Thank you.”
I stepped harder on the gas pedal, breaking seventy-five miles an hour. The sooner I got this bastard home and out of my life forever, the better.
CHAPTER 6
