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“Okay, I guess you want to talk about it no matter what I want. Get it over with and say what you have to say.”
“Sweetheart, I want you to go on living after I’m gone. I’m so worried about you and our daughter.”
“Don’t worry, Caroline,” he said unconvincingly. “I’ll deal with it. I love you and baby Grace more than anything, and I can’t even think about you not being here.”
“I want you to be okay though. Please listen to me. Find someone else—”
“Oh god, Caroline, don’t talk about that. I don’t want anyone else.”
“But Grace needs a mother. You’re young, Ryan. You can’t raise her alone. And I want that for both of you. You and Grace deserve that. You do it in your own time, but know when it happens that it will make me happy. You’re so wonderful. You’ve been the best husband. I almost knew it was too good to be true.”
As the days progressed and she was unable to get out of bed, she kept Grace by her side, nursing her every second she could. It wasn’t until the very end when Caroline no longer was aware of her surroundings that they took Grace away.
***
Caroline’s parents had Grace. They’d taken over when he proved he was unfit, unable to care for her. After her birth, the families were always there at the house in Scripps Ranch. There was always someone to help with the baby after she was born, and three months later, after Caroline died.
It didn’t take long, however, for the family to see that Ryan was in no condition to be left alone with baby Grace. Even getting her to a daycare situation or hiring a nanny to care for the baby in the house seemed to be beyond his scope of ability. When it became clear that he was in danger of losing his job, the family stepped in again. But since Ed and Ruth were still working, they enlisted the aid of members of Caroline’s family, as well. Caroline’s parents eventually took Grace back to Northern California.
Ryan traveled to see Grace a few times that year when he was still going through the motions, tying to pretend everything was okay, before he lost his license. Ryan’s parents stayed in touch with the Behnigs, and it was because of Ed and Ruth’s doggedness that the Behnigs were unable to get permanent custody of Grace. The judge ruled that the grandparents would share custody of her until her father could prove his sobriety.
“The father has been through enough trauma. Custody will be temporary and shared for now.”
The clanging of the halyards in the wind was the only sound Sofia heard besides the soft droning of Ryan’s voice. She’d lost all track of time. Fighting tears, the story was so sad, she couldn’t believe it was the truth. Judging him, she thought,How could he have let his child go?
“On top of having to fight to get my daughter back, I have to overcome the humiliation of missing out on the first years of her life. My former in-laws have done their best to get permanent custody of her. But when I go to see her, she knows who I am.”
“Does she call you daddy?” Sofia asked.
“She does,” he said proudly. “‘Take me with you, Daddy.’ She wants to live with me. Here, I have pictures.”
He got out his phone and scrolled to the photos. For the next minutes, he explained the settings, who the others were in the photos. Sofia got an introduction to Caroline’s sisters and mother and father. For the first time, Ryan showed Sofia photos of a beautiful woman, obviously frail, holding a tiny newborn. She wore a bandana around her head, but pale red hair peeked out. So this was Caroline.
After a while, emotional exhaustion set in. Sofia wasn’t sure she wanted to hear more.
“I hope you aren’t feeling like wherever I go, drama is sure to follow,” he finally said.
It did feel that way to an extent. Sofia could see how that could take over a relationship, how some people thrived on the drama, like,what’s next for us? We never have to worry about getting bored with each other because there will always be some tragedy to get over.
“I guess that depends on what you’re telling me this for,” she said.
“I want to get my daughter back. I have dependable childcare set up, so I’m not trying to find a partner who will be my babysitter.”
She nodded, acknowledging what he’d just said, but there had to be more. Why was he telling her about his daughter? “What’s her name, by the way?”
“Grace. Grace Marie.”
“Beautiful.”
After a moment, he took her hand. “Can we start over again?”
So, he was finally getting someplace. But did she want him now?
“Sure,” she answered, not sure at all. There was a lot to clarify. “You mean like Poki Poki, start over?”
“Ha! No, not that bad. Although I’m a long way from being completely on my feet again, I’m really starting all over. Now that I have an anesthesia job, I can afford a home to bring my daughter to. After that, I don’t even know what’s next. Do you have any interest in taking that journey with me?”
“I could try,” Sofia said softly. “I like looking at real estate. Is that what you mean?”
