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“You are not a cripple. Never call yourself that. With time, this could get better.” Taking a deep breath, she leaned her head back, closed her eyes, and prayed for patience. So many did not understand what dealing with PTSD was like. And yet he lived with it.
“John had PTSD,” she said, lifting her head and staring into his eyes. “At the oddest moments, he would suddenly have an episode. After reading up on it, I learned to talk calmly to him. To touch him, unless he grew violent. I learned that music, singing, often brought him back from the recess of his mind.”
The memory of all the times she’d dealt with his hallucinations rushed toward her and she sighed. “It’s a difficult disease.”
“You’re the first wife of a military veteran who has experienced her husband’s PTSD that I’ve spoken to. I’m curious to hear what you think about the disease.”
“Hate it,” she said. “Hated it for him. For me. Hated how it stole him from me.”
“How was that?” Tanner asked.
“John loved being a soldier. And yet, after his second tour of duty in Iraq, I noticed a change in him. No longer was he the laughing, carefree man I had fallen in love with. Everything was by the rules. There was so little give and take with him. Before he was easygoing. And then I witnessed my first episode of PTSD. He shoved me onto the floor, covered my body, and was protecting me fromincoming. Scared the crap out of me.”
“I’ve experienced what you’re talking about,” Tanner said. “Did he die from an episode?”
Her face seemed to tighten and she shook her head.
“No, he was one of the last soldiers in Iraq. He was helping load refugees onto airplanes. He was gathering the information for them to get on the list to board when he saw a man with a bomb. Knocking him down, he covered him, dying when the jerk detonated the device.”
Oh God, how she hated how he died, but knew he’d been doing what he loved and was a hero. Only she couldn’t take being a hero’s wife.
“They say he saved so many lives, but all I could think about was what our life together could have been. We had so many plans and dreams. But he saved women and children in Iraq, but he wasn’t here to save me. Selfish, I know, but it’s what drove me to leave Colorado.”
“How’s that?”
“If I tell you, it has to stay between us. The reason I left Colorado was to get away from people always reminding me what a wonderful man John was. Because of the constant outpouring of sympathy, I couldn’t heal. I couldn’t move on. When they dedicated a new Veterans Park, I was John’s widow. When they did a toy drive, they invited me, John’s widow. When they needed to raise money for a military charity, it wasask John’s widow.”
All the memories of attending so many military functions came rushing back. She had to get away.
“I couldn’t heal. I couldn’t get over John because everywhere I turned I was reminded of him. So that’s why I decided to move. New place, new adventures.”
Tanner pulled her closer to him. “Only you didn’t plan on meeting another veteran, did you?”
“No,” she said,or falling in love with him. But she would not tell him until she was certain this was going to be real. Right now, it felt tenuous. It could go either way, and either way, her heart would be broken.
They sat on the steps gazing at the stars. Touching side to side, shoulder to shoulder.
“I don’t know if I will ever be a man who can make a commitment. I don’t know if these episodes will ever disappear. Or if I’ll be a man who can marry a woman and trust her to live with his demons. I’m just taking it day by day.”
“That’s all any of us can do,” she said. “There is something between us. This afternoon proved that this attraction to one another is very powerful.”
“Yes, it is,” he said. “I’m willing to try. But we’re going to take it slow. And no more kitchen sex.”
A giggle erupted from her and warmth filled her. “I’d like to try. You have to remember that you’re not the only one who has experienced this trauma. I may not live in the hallucinations and see the battlefield, but I’ve heard the screams, the cries, and lived with a soldier trying to protect me. None of this is easy.”
“No, it’s not,” he said. “Anytime you want to tell me to go away, I understand.”
They had made progress, but still, he didn’t realize how that wasn’t possible.
“That’s the problem, Tanner,” she said, pulling his face around, the urge to kiss him overwhelming her. “I’m so damn attracted to you that I tried to stay away from you, and today just showed me how wrong I’d been.”
A grin spread across his face, and then she leaned in and kissed him. Her lips covered his as she melted against him. Eagerly his lips took control and he kissed her like she was his last breath of life. Like he would never let her go.
A slamming door had them separating, and she gazed into his emerald gaze, seeing the passion shining even in the dim light of her porch light. The day seemed to have sapped her strength and then she remembered how his episode began.
“And the next time your grandmother comes around. We’re going to have words. She started your episode today and I’m going to end her thinking that sending you back to war is a good thing.”
He laughed, his voice deep, and a vibration spiraled through her. There was something about his happiness that touched all her buttons.
“Good luck with that,” he said. “But it did bring us together. I just hope she didn’t stick around to watch us in the kitchen.”
“Oh my,” Emily said. “That would be an offense that would get her banned permanently from the ranch.”
