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I drop my gaze from his, and shove away from him as much as he’ll let me.
“Ren, I need a little space. This is a lot of information and my immediate reaction is to fight or run, neither of which will do me any good right now. You may have been watching me or protecting me or whatever all this time, but I don’t know you. Not really. And to be perfectly honest, it’s not fair to you that I’m in love with three other people when you clearly see our life planned out differently.” I finally look back to him.
I’m not saying it to be mean or cruel, but because honesty is important to me and I think going forward it will get me farther than my original plan of playing along until I can get free. He looks equally hurt and furious, with the thinning of his lips and the narrowing of his eyes. I can feel his hands forming fists behind my back.
“Hey, I’m not saying anything to purposefully make you upset. I just feel like we have a lot of history to work through and if you really want to be with me, like you’ve been saying, then it’s best to be honest with each other. My love for Noah, Cohen and Matteo isn’t diminishing or going away. They’re a part of me as much as you are. I’m sorry that it angers you, but I’m not sorry that it’s my truth. If you want my heart, you need to recognize that you aren’t the only one who will take up residence there. My soul will always find a way to theirs and you’ll need to come to terms with that.
“The possessiveness in you runs deep in your brother as well, but you’ll need to learn quick just like he did that I don’t play that game. I’m my own person and just as much as you don’t want me to push you, you’ll need to respect the fact that I’m a force to be reckoned with, just like you. I’m new to the mafia life but I’ve picked it up real quick and now I have a job to do, just the same as you. Know it, trust it and fucking respect it because it’s not changing. You don’t get to kidnap me and act like a crazy stalker every time you don’t get your way. You don’t even have to. If you want my attention, it’s yours. Just give me time to get to know you. Let me talk to my family so they know that I’m alive and doing ok. I can agree to give us some time but you’ll need to lessen the restraints a bit. As far as I’m concerned, the only bad guy here is your father. Can you trust me?” I ask, knowing that I’ve crossed so many of his lines.
This is a guy used to being in charge and controlling everything. A young man, destined to live a dangerous and violent life so his need to take over is ingrained deeply into him, just as it is my other three, but he needs to know that I can help. I can be his counterpart without him losing his reign over everything. I won’t, however, give up on the other three men in my life, nor will I lose the little family I have left. I will make Lorenzo pay one day for his recklessness and selfishness. He doesn’t get to hurt everyone and climb to the top of the food chain by association.
“I don’t know what to say to that. I want to give you the fucking world Quinn but I don’t think I can share you. I’m a possessive asshole on a good day, you already know this. It’s destroying me to know that you’ve given your heart to not just one, but three other guys. This is an entirely unorthodox situation you’ve created. What you’re asking of me is unheard of in our world. Even if I could look past my own desires, I don’t know how to give it to you because it’s simply not how things are done. I need you, and not in some trivial way. Yes, my body craves you, my mind desires you, but my heart and soul belong to you. I can’t wait any longer to have you by my side and to be completely honest, I don’t want to share you. There’s never been a situation like this before within la famiglia. Women aren’t leaders. If they are promised to a man, they are not to stray from that man without risking their life in the process. They get no say in the matter, they are to do what they’re told. I’m scared for you because of that, but also for what’s to come if I can find it within myself to look past my own selfish needs and give you what you want. I don’t even know if I can.” He tells me.
It’s not what I want to hear, but it’s the truth. It’s his truth. I’m angry about it but I’m stuck for now. It’s not uncommon knowledge that women have a place in the life of the mafia and it’s an ugly place at that. They are to be seen and not heard. They tend to be trophies or toys.
Wives have some level of respect, but they are kept in the dark more often than not. I am the opposite. I’m being groomed to take over the underworld, whether on my own or with my men at my side, but it’s supposed to be my choice. The East coast territories clearly aren’t as progressive as the West coast. I’ll work this out one way or another though.
“I get it, really I do, but I’m not going to be locked up here like your little princess in the tall tower. If nothing else, I’d like my gun, knife and necklace back and to call my family. They don’t deserve to be put through this again by you and your family. I’ll also need to inform them that there’s to be a hit on Lorenzo. His business is to be dismantled and made legitimate so that I can take back what originally belonged to my family. If I’m what’s left of the Bianchi bloodline, it’s rightfully mine anyway. Or ours, I guess since you and ‘Teo are his descendants. Either way, he’s done ruining people’s lives and I’m going to see to it that he no longer can.” I turn a glare on him to let him know that I mean it.
I’ve been nice because I’m still learning to understand my feelings and because I’m not stupid enough to think I have much control right now, but that doesn’t mean I’ll lay down and be a doormat. I know what’s expected of women in the mafia families traditionally and that shit won’t work for me.
“Let’s get some more rest for now, it’s three in the morning and I’d like to keep you in my arms for a while longer if you’ll let me. We can talk through all of this in the morning. For now, let yourself process the info I’ve given you and get some more sleep.” He says as he pulls me back into him and down onto the mattress.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from falling for my boys, it’s that it’s better to allow my feelings to guide me instead of my instinct to push everyone away and keep them at arm's length. I’m not going to fight him off… at least notyet, but things are about to change. The East coast isn’t ready for me to be back, that much I know.
Chapter Ten
Alessandra
Breakfast is delicious. Waffles with strawberries and whipped cream. Yes please. All day, every freaking day. It’s my meal of choice. Ren even thought ahead to make sure he’s well stocked up on my favorite energy drink. When I saw that tall black can with its shiny golden star, I almost cried from happiness. That shit’s my life essence, I swear.
I was allowed to eat in the dining hall with Ren instead of being locked away in my room again. He didn’t say a whole lot but I think he’s feeling some of the hostility I feel about being locked up in this gilded cage. Giving me time to sleep on all of the information backfired a bit because now I’m more angry than before.
This guy doesn’t actually know me. He thinks he does, but how can he say he’s in love with me when the last time we spent any real time together, we were barely potty trained. Really, he’s just been taught to think he loves me through familial obligation. Maybe it’s the pessimist in me, but this isn’t how falling in love works. Hell, this isn’t how life works. If I didn’t know firsthand what it means to fall in love, I’d be a lot more defensive right now, that much I do know. If nothing else, I’m curious to see what these intense feelings lead to.
Ren and I have a strong connection. I feel it deep in my bones but that doesn’t mean we should get married and make babies or anything. Also, fuck him for thinking he can tell me what to do. I think it’s time we find a gym because I’m ready to kick his ass for assuming I’d just drop my whole life without a fight.
“Hey, you got a gym in this mausoleum?” I ask, ready to throw the fuck down. My body is desperate for a real physical beatdown. I need to work out until I’m worn out. It’s how I process shit. I haven’t fought anyone in who knows how long and I’m going crazy.
“Yes, of course. It’s in the basement. I have everything you’ll need for any kind of training you choose to do. I made sure to redesign the room for you when I noticed you were a natural fighter. We can spar if you’d like.” He grins at me, a knowing smile on his handsome face.
“Hell. Yes. Let’s go.” I say, all but running towards the stairs. I stop abruptly when I realize I only have lingerie and pj’s, and it causes Ren to slam into me. His hands grab ahold of my hips to steady the both of us, but it ends up being more of a bump and grind type situation.
“If you wanted my hands on you, all you had to do is say so.” He growls out. His hips shifting so that I feel his forming hard on. I pull away from him before he takes things further.
“Uh, no perv. I don’t have any clothes to work out in. All you’ve given me so far is sexy underwear and nightgowns. Is that, like, a fetish or something?” I ask sarcastically.
“Yeah, actually it is. Problem?” He deadpans, before giving me a megawatt smile that lets me know he’s joking. It’s hard to be mad at him when he looks so much like my ‘Teo. I have to start paying attention to his mannerisms more so I can differentiate them in my mind. You’d think the tattoos and piercings would do it, but it doesn’t detract from how much he looks like his twin. I won’t be doing anyone any favors by allowing my brain to make them the same person. But even his subtle dry humor is similar and it does something weird to my heartstrings.
“There’s actually workout gear in the gym for you and you have clothes in my closet. I never had them moved over because… Well, I guess I’m still holding out hope that you’ll make the decision on your own to become mine. You were originally supposed to move directly into our room, but I decided to give you your own space to help you adjust instead. It feels like a cliché mafia movie move to force your hand, but if you can’t come to terms with this life on your own, eventually Raffaele will step in. I’ve done everything I can to keep him out of our business so far.” He tells me. His hands are still on my hips, but he’s unable to look me in the eye, as if he’s embarrassed that his grandfather is stuck in some misogynistic old way of thinking.
“Let’s just go work out and we’ll talk about all this shit later. I need to burn some energy off before I can come at everything you’ve told me with a clear head.” I say, and then take off in a sprint to the basement, excited to put something other than jammies on.
“Ho-ly crap.” I’m a bit stunned at the sheer size of the gym itself. It’s equipped with everything my dark little fighter heart could ever want and I’m practically drooling. Moving over to a row of lockers I see that there are, in fact, gym clothes for me. There are spandex shorts and leggings, sports bras, crop tops, long and short sleeve t-shirts, socks and what looks to be every pair of running shoes ever made. There is tape and boxing gloves and headgear...
This is the first time since being here that I genuinely feel happy and in my element. I was horny, curious and caught off guard in the early morning hours and I allowed myself to be more open to Ren than I normally would have, but now I need to keep him at a slight distance until I can figure out why he causes me to have such a visceral reaction to him, other than being the tattooed version of his sexy as sin brother.
There’s something about him that, even before I knew who he was, made my heartbeat wildly in my chest. It could be anything, frustration, confusion or excitement. Whatever it is, I’m keeping it in check until I get to know him.
