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Noah, Matteo, Cohen.
Over and over again,my brain chants their names and I push off of Ren, letting my guilt consume me.
“Oh my god, Ren. What did we just do? That’s not even the first time you’ve touched me… and I’veletyou. What the fuck is wrong with me?” I ask, Nausea taking over my gut.
“I… I can’t fucking do this.” Running my fingers across my swollen lips and then pushing up off the ground, I snag up my shorts and put them back on as quickly as I can, not even taking an extra second to zip my bra back up, I take off in a dead sprint towards the upper levels of the house.
By the time I make it to my bedroom door, I notice that I’m definitely not alone. It’s no doubt because his legs are double my length. I shift my body to his and push at his chest to let him know I don’t want him in my space right now. He has that same presence that the guys did when they decided that we would all be together and I just can’t fucking go through that again. Not right now. I can’t give my heart away because they already fucking own it.
Hormones.
This is all just a stupid reaction to my god damn hormones. It isn’t more than that.
Itcan’tbe more than that.
I don’t understand why I keep caving to this staggering connection between the two of us, especially when I don’t know where I stand with my guys. I left them with nothing. Not even a note. They either hate me or are going out of their minds looking for me, both of which are killing me inside. Guilt and resentment gnawing at my chest, weighing me down.
“Ren, please… Don’t do this. Don’t push for this. I. Love.Them. Nothing good can come from my being here. It’s only going to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you; do you get that? Something inside of me connects to something inside of you, I won’t deny that. But at the end of the day, I’m choosing them.” I can only just get the words out, pushing them beyond the emotion clogging my throat.
“You. Are. Mine.” He growls, and it’s an echo of what Matteo once said to me, causing me to let out a weird noise as I barely restrain a sob that I will never let him see.
I knew love was weakness. I told them I didn’t want this. I’m fucking stronger than this but fighting these feelings and missing them all at the same time is breaking me beyond anything I’ve ever experienced. I feel like a one woman shit show on display for everyone to see. I’ve never been this out of control.
Pulling myself together with the last ounce of inner strength I’ve got, I reach behind me and twist my doorknob, allowing the space to open up. I take a deep breath and look him dead in the eyes.
“I’m not yours. If you can’t understand that I’m my own person and have to do things my own way, I’ll never be yours.” I say, and then push myself into my room and slam the door in his face before collapsing on the ground in front of my door and crying myself to sleep like I used to do when I was a little girl.
* * *
I wakeup in the same spot I fell asleep. My eyes feel swollen and puffy, likely from my crying and a difficult sleep on the hardwood floor.
My body aches inside and out from the beating I’ve taken emotionally and physically. I almost don’t pull myself up off the ground, but my stomach starts making gross noises, telling me how hungry I am. I have no idea what time it is, but I haven’t eaten anything since my waffle breakfast before that emotionally charged work out. Was it earlier today or yesterday? Everything is foggy because of my emotional breakdown earlier.
Getting up off the floor, I walk over to my nightstand to check my alarm clock and see that it’s just after eleven o’clock at night. I’m starving though, and my love of food is worth the risk of getting shot by a guard to sneak out of here for a midnight snack. Opening my door, I peek my head out to make sure that Ren is nowhere to be seen. I just can’t deal with him right now. Once I’ve deemed the coast clear, I walk out of my room only to almost trip over a box. Curiosity wins and I pick it up, finding that it’s fairly heavy, and go back into my room and sit on my bed.
I open the box and find most of my things in it. Not my gun or my knife, although that isn’t surprising - I’m likely considered a flight risk, even though I’m almost sure we’re on an island and I have no idea where. But my necklace and my phone, along with some snacks and drinks are in here.
This shows an incredible level of trust on Ren’s part, if not a lot of stupidity. He knows how much I miss my life and my family. He knows now how deeply ingrained into my heart my guys are. He doesn’t know about my necklace, but to give me my phone is a big step forward in gaining my trust and appreciation.
I care for him in ways I shouldn’t and I can’t even figure out why. It’s like something in my heart just understands him on a whole other level. I know that it’s wrong, but it’s a gut feeling that I can’t shake. I have my guys at the tips of my fingers now, just a phone call away, and yet, I’m torn when I didn’t think I would be. Instinctively, I move to call the guys, but something stops me. Part of me wants to wait and see where my heart leads me with Ren. I don’t owe him a chance to shoot his shot, but that’s not exactly going to stop me from being led straight into his arms. So, placing my necklace back on my neck, I grasp it tightly and I call my mom instead.
Chapter Twelve
Alessandra
It’s been two whole weeks since I saw Ren last. I haven’t even heard so much as a noise from his room or his office. He’s given me full access to the house, but I can’t bring myself to leave my room for anything other than food. I haven’t even bothered working out, unable to deal with the memory of Ren’s lips on me. I should be happy to have some distance, but something inside me feels utterly broken. It feels the same way I feel about being without Matteo, Noah and Cohen. Which is why I have yet to call them. I think maybe I just need this time to refocus on me instead of who I’m supposed to choose. Because if Idohave to choose, I’ll end up heartbroken either way.
My sleep is back to being troubled. Nightmares once again constantly battle my subconscious. During the day, my mind is stuck listening to the endless stream of thoughts that plague me, like a loop to the soundtrack of my life that just won’t shut off. I’m still torn between the feelings that surface when he’s near me and the guilt that torments me for having those feelings to begin with.
I’ve been through some seriously fucked up shit in my short lifetime that hopefully most people never have to go through. I’m irrevocably damaged from a lifetime of pain - emotional and physical. It’s what drives me; what causes me to be at the top of my game at all times. It’s why, despite it being unconventional, my nonno felt he could make me his legacy. My life has made me who I am today and that person has never felt so alone or broken, despite the countless shit storms I’ve weathered.
I’ve never been a typical teenager, yet here I am, lost in a sea of emotions over four boys that somehow found their way into my heart. I thought I was crazy when I fell forthreedudes and now I’m completely confused over a fourth. I finally called SB. After she cried and dramatically thanked every god known to mankind that I was okay all she said was,
“Damn girl, what are you even upset about? Four hot as fuck dudes want you. You legit have nothing to complain about. You’re living every girls’ fantasy right now… How many times have I asked you to switch lives with me? I mean, come on… Four. Hot. Guys... Four. Yes, please!”
And the crazy part is that she’s not wrong. She never is, but apparently all I needed was to hear her voice chewing my ass out for overthinking this so hard. She also made several death threats toward the Gavino family, which cracked me up. Even though I know she wasn’t entirely being serious, I still made sure to remind her how dangerous la famiglia is, how dangerous this whole situation actually is and to promise me not to say anything to anyone until I’m ready. Especially the boys.
My guys trust my judgement. I know that even the possessive assholes themselves wouldn’t deny me the opportunity to fall in love with Ren if they thought it was something I really wanted to do. Their love is completely selfless. I’m the selfish one; keeping all of them to myself like I’m living a damn fantasy. We’re still technically considered ‘kids’ for fuck’s sake, despite not feeling like it or ever getting to act like it.
