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“Good morning mom. Why are you up already?” I ask, seeing mom in the dining room earlier than normal.
“Well, good morning sweet girl. What a pleasant surprise to see you down here so early,” she chuckles, knowing that I’ve been more prone to sleeping in as late as I can lately. “I’ve got an early morning conference call with your grandfather so I’m up and at ‘em before the sun today,” She says, giving me her one of a kind smile.
It’s the one that exudes a love that can only come from a mother and is uniquely designed just for me. It’s one of the small things I do my best to never take for granted.
“Ah, that makes sense. I’m only up because I had a weird dream and it really messed with me. Actually, can I ask you something personal?”
“You can ask me anything. I know that it seems weird to talk to me about personal stuff because I got you back when you were already basically an adult, but I hope you know that you never have to feel like you can’t come to me with something.” Her facial expression is dead serious, but I’d have believed her anyway. She’s done nothing but be the mom I’ve always wanted from the moment she came back into my life.
“Do you think I’m wrong to feel so angry and hateful towards Matteo, Noah, and Cohen? At what point does something become irredeemable for people that you love beyond any flaws that they might have? Sometimes I worry that I’m so jaded by my past that I’ll never be able to just… forgive.”
“You know, we’ve never really talked about who your father was, but I think you’re adult enough to handle the truth. You got the abridged version from your grandpa, but what he didn’t tell you is that I had been best friends with Stephano since childhood. This world you’ve recently become immersed in is, for the most part, corrupt and downright evil. It’s why I wanted so desperately to escape from it.
“Had our circumstances been different, it’s possible that your dad would have been the greatest love of my life, since I’d already been halfway there when we were teenagers, despite being promised to Lorenzo. Your great grandfather was a cold hearted, ruthless man with anyone who wasn’t his wife, but he was also a very smart man who paid close attention to details well beyond what his assumed reach was and took advantage of Stephano’s affection for me and desire to prove his worth in la famiglia.” The pain that crosses her features is gut clenching and makes me feel sick to my stomach.
“Wait, so you weren’t just… I mean, how could he do something so horrible to you if he supposedly loved you? You didn’t forgive him, did you? That asshole doesn’t deserve—”
“Shh, calm yourself. Your great grandfather could see that I’d never have stuck around to be wed to Lorenzo. He also knew that there was no way to back out of his word without showing weakness, so he crafted a plan to manipulate your father into committing one of the most heartbreaking offenses there are. He promised Stephano a high ranking position within the business and the opportunity to run away with me like he knew I’d been getting ready to do anyway. The rest of the story involves much too much bloodshed and heartbreak to relive. Once your grandfather found out what had happened, he’d gone on a warpath. To this day, he still doesn’t know who your biological father is, and I’ll never tell him. Stefano has long since disappeared and though I’ve forgiven him, I’m not sure that he’s ever forgiven himself. By the time he’d realized how badly he’d made a mistake, he’d thought there was no chance for redemption. If I’d only gotten the chance to tell him how wrong he was. My love was always bigger than my hurt, as crazy and awful as it may sound.
“What I’d like you to take away from my story is that no one can tell you how to forgive someone for hurting you. People make mistakes and sometimes they are big ones; heart wrenching, soul crushing, mind numbing mistakes that shouldn’t be forgivable, but can’t be helped because it’s what your heart demands. The real question isn’t what might be considered irredeemable by someone else, but instead, can you find it within yourself to look past even the worst of transgressions and lift the weight of the hurt they caused so that it no longer taints your true nature.”
“And what if the person I need to forgive… is me?” I question, realizing as she speaks that I’m angry with myself as much as I am with the guys.
“Life often trains us to live in self-doubt and insecurity. As a woman, and especially a woman of power like yourself, it’s important to remember to love yourself first and foremost. Love yourself so hard that you can trust every instinct you have at all times. Love yourself so deeply that you can learn to forgive even your own mistakes, because how can you expect others to forgive you if you don’t even know how to do it? You’re a smart girl; a strong young woman built from hardship and pain but thrive on loyalty and compassion. Loving yourself isn’t always easy, but it’s always worth the effort. You are beautiful and phenomenal in your own way. Even on your hardest day, you are worth everything, and the right decision will come to you in time. Allow yourself the opportunity to be sad and angry—or hateful, as you said. But don’t wallow in it. If you feel like you need to get revenge to be at peace, do it. But remember that you’ll be the one that has to deal with the fallout of your decisions. Accept your truth and move on, because the only person you have to truly acknowledge at the end of each day is you.”
“And if I can’t look past my own faults? If I can’t live with the guilt of everything I’ve done to hurt the people I love?”
“All you can ever really do is try to right your wrongs.
* * *
A dark shadow crosses over my desk, so I pull my earbuds out, cutting Bebe’s songI’m a Messoff. It’s been my go to song lately considering it’s my whole ass mood.
“Noah told me about you, you know.” I look up from the essay notes I’m finishing for my advanced English class while sitting in homeroom, only to find myself a witness to what looks like a very cliche grouping of mean girls circling my desk and causing me to smirk. The guys all come back to school next week, each of them taking a two week suspension and a slap on the wrist by Headmistress Sheldon, thanks to my guilty conscience. According to my sources, they’ve used the time to snoop on Matteo’s dad and fix Noah’s hair. There’s some talk about underground fights tonight where the pretty boy himself has been going to pull some shady business.
“I’m sorry, and you are?” I ask, using my most saccharine sweet smile, only to have the girl speaking look at me like she’s swallowed a lemon. Her face is pinched in the most unattractive way, causing me to barely contain a deep belly laugh at her expense.
“You can’t be serious? I’m literally on the cover of magazines. I’m a huge hit in Japan because I model as Princess Peach.” She stares at me in shock as I just shrug my shoulders, not really in any mood to pretend that I give a fuck about whatever drama she’s bringing to the table. Why should I care if she’s in some shitty magazine, let alone who she is? I like Mario and all that but Princess Peach definitely isn’t my favorite character. Bowser is more my speed. Way less perky and annoying.
“Peach. My name is literally Peach. You seriously don’t know who I am?”
“Sorry, girl. Never heard of you. Maybe try getting the cover of something significant and I’ll catch your photo op,” I say, enjoying it too much as her whole face turns red in embarrassment and indignation.
“Well, now that I’m Noah’s girlfriend, I’m sure you’ll learn really quickly who I am,” she quips, smirking like she’s somehow beat me at the ‘who’s got bigger ovaries’ game.
“Ah, that’s right. I did hear something about a super peppy, annoyingly over the top girl running her mouth about me and how I used to date Noah. Wasn’t there some sort of rumor about how you’ll kick my ass if I ‘touch your man’?” I smile sarcastically, not giving way to the rising anger building within me at the obnoxious gossip that’s flooded my ears since I walked onto the academy’s campus this morning.
My beef isn’t with this dumb bitch. It’s with the men that left me for dead. No use letting her see that it pisses me off that she keeps touching a man that my heart refuses to acknowledge as anything other thanmine.
“That’s right. Look, Noah told me all about you and how you’re some little fake mafia wannabe. I just want you to know that I don’t care at all how big and bad you think you are. He’s mine now and no matter how desperate your little whore ass gets, he’s not leaving me for you. He’s mine. Got it?”
“Fake mafia wannabe, huh? That’s cute. How about this instead; You fuck right the hell off and don’t talk to me anymore, unless you want your perfect little face to look a lot more like ground beef. Not even the best plastic surgeon in the world could fix what I’ll do to you if you don’t piss off, got it? If Noah has any hang ups with what happened between us, he’ll handle them however he sees fit. If you’re so threatened by me that you need to come and stake your claim, in front of my husband, I might add,” I say, gesturing to the seat on my right where Ren is sitting. He looks up and cocks a brow at me looking amused as he can while somehow still being a big broody asshole.
“Well then, you might need to talk to Noah about that instead of me because I could give a fuck less about you, your little girl gang here, or who the Court Jester on campus does for funsies. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got an essay to finish.” I wrap up my little spiel, and look back to my work, hoping she’ll catch the hint before I have to prove a point in the middle of class.
“You better watch your back, bitch. No one talks to me like that and gets away with it.” She grumbles, flipping her hair for dramatic effect, and I finally let loose the laugh I’d been holding in since she stepped to me in the first place. It’s not a pretty laugh by any means. In fact, it comes out like a warning all on its own with just a hint of psychotic menace.
Before she knows what’s happening, I’m up and out of my seat with a fist full of her shoulder length platinum blonde locks. I take a quick moment to yank her head backwards painfully before slamming it forward onto my desk. The crunch of her nose as it breaks and gushes blood all over my essay notes, is such a satisfying sound. It’s been too long since my body has been flooded with endorphins from a good fight.
