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I push myself to the limits, bringing my memories to the forefront of my mind. The recollection of seeing Ren practically lifeless, tied to a chair, and entirely unaware of the surrounding trap Matteo and I willingly walked into assaults my brain like I’m reliving it all over again. I remember the feel of Teo at my back, keeping me strong before I walked into the belly of the beast and listened to the venom spewed from the mouth of Satan himself. I remember the look of pure malice and triumph in Raffaele’s eyes when he shot me. He aimed for one of my men, knowing I would never let him hurt any of them. I ran straight for him with the intent to put myself between the bullet and the men that own my heart.
My body lets out an involuntary shudder as I recall the terror I felt at the entire situation, knowing I could lose them in an instant and refusing to accept death as their fate when it should be my own instead. I wasn’t afraid to die. I was afraid to live without them. I wouldn’t have survived losing one of them. It was easier to accept death alone then let them go. If anyone deserves a chance at living, it’s the men that helped me see that life had more to offer than what I could have ever expected or hoped for.
Unfortunately, I can also remember the look in their eyes as I faded into the darkness, unable to hold on any longer as I stood there bleeding out in front of them before collapsing; the open hostility they showed me from finding out about Ren and I was enough to want me to seek death itself. Admittedly finding out the way that they did was terrible and I know I shouldn’t have hid it from them. That’s on me. There’s no real excuse for my dishonesty no matter how much I want to tell myself I did it to protect them. I didn’t expect them to react that way while I was losing consciousness though.
I saw the betrayal burning brightly in their eyes, though they masked it with animosity, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth when everything finally went dark and my pain dissipated into nothing as death tried to claim me in its grasp.
I hadn’t been fully aware of how long Noah and Cohen had been there, but it was evident from the gun in Cohen’s hand that he pulled the trigger on Raffaele. Noah held a bloody knife, showing he slit the man’s throat that’d been holding Teo at gunpoint from behind, leaving Matteo to help his brother. Whether that actually happened or not, I don’t yet know since I passed out before he made it that far, but the look of hatred, disgust, and thinly veiled jealousy aimed between Ren and me makes me curious as to how we ended up here. Based on what I saw, I’m sure they’d been pissed enough to have left us for dead.
My heart refuses to believe that Cohen could let something like that happen. The Cohen I know couldn’t bear it. He’d rather die than leave me to bleed out in the basement of some warehouse in the middle of nowhere, evenifhe hated me at that moment. He won’t hesitate to kill someone, of that I’m sure, and he’d not feel an ounce of remorse over it either, but his heart knows no bounds for those he loves. And even if he let his hate win, I know his heart still beats to the rhythm of mine.
Noah’s love for me runs so deep, it borders on obsession—he’s a lot like Ren in that way. If anything, he might’ve been lost to his rage and couldn’t pull himself together enough to help beyond killing anyone within range of him. Then again, maybe I did the one thing he never thought I’d do without him being a part of it and it broke him beyond measure. He already had one foot firmly placed within the realm of madness. I sometimes imagine the inside of his mind like a darker, deadlier version of the world of Wonderland.
Matteo had already been struggling with everything since Ren joined the family though. The shattered look of betrayal and devastation that passed over his features before he locked it down, makes me think that he’d have been able to walk away without another thought about whether I lived or died. He’d barely even started tolerating the brother he never knew, so what would it matter to him if his twin was wiped from the face of the earth?
If I try to imagine things from his point of view, betrayal and lies are all we’ve given him since the morning he found me wrapped up in the arms of my newly wedded husband. He may not have outwardly expressed it, but I could see the jealousy and suspicion lurking within him from time to time. It was like he could sense my constant discomfort from burying my secrets deeper with each day I continued to hide my truth. Raffaele only managed to confirm his reasoning for distrust with his last breath, the fucking piece of shit. His intent to destroy us all with only a few well-chosen words has clearly worked.
But I was stupid. It’s not like I don’t know that secrets never stay secrets for long. It’s my own fault that I hadn’t been upfront and honest with them when they came to save me that day. They deserved better from me, though I wish they’d at least stuck around to see whether I lived or died. Why couldn’t they afford me the opportunity to tell them everything? After all we’ve been through, I’d have stayed by their sides had our roles been reversed. They have to know that I have my reasoning for keeping everything quiet the way I did.
Maybe I’m way off base and they’re actually here, but I doubt it. If they were around my spidey senses would be tingling like they normally do. They aren’t the kind of guys that would leave my side in a life or death situation unless they just stopped caring. You’d think that with how much they claimed to love me, they’d have at least waited to see if I were okay or not, let alone if I had an explanation for my behavior. Where are they? How could they have just brushed everything off like we haven’t spent the last several months going through more than what most relationships go through in a lifetime?
I deserve their anger and I can own up to my own mistakes here, but everything I’ve ever done was to protect them. And yeah, so maybe I didn’t handle everything perfectly, but I fucking handled it. No question about it—I always take care of shit. I had our happily ever after all set up and fuck them for not thinking otherwise. There had been moves in place to make everything work out for everyone—
Beep! Beep! Beep!
I’m starting to get worked up thinking about everything and the more upset and panicked I get, the faster my heart beats painfully. My breathing shortens and I feel sick to my stomach.
As everything falls apart in my mind and my body shuts down, I set my heart monitor off, causing Ren to startle awake, jumping up to check and see what’s wrong with me. When he sees that I’m awake, streams of silent tears start running down his face right there in front of me, not a care in the world that he’s wearing his emotions for all to see.
A hoard of nurses rush in, pushing him out of the way to check all my vitals and review the monitors now that I’m awake.
Refusing to lose eye contact with the one man who I somehow instinctively know never left my side, I speak out to the nurses. Though it’s more of a croak than anything.
“Get. Out.” I say it slowly and I over enunciate my words to get my point across. My vocal chords haven’t been used in however long and I need water desperately, so I don’t sound as commanding as I’d prefer, which causes a nurse to think she can talk back to me.
“I don’t think tha—” a nurse starts, but I cut her off because I’m not putting up with anyone’s shit right now.
“You misunderstood. I said, get out. What I meant was getthe fuckout,” I say, finally moving my stare from Ren and turning a glare on the nurses, making them shuffle out quickly. One of them mutters “bitch” on her way through the door, causing me to chuckle slightly. She has no damn idea. Just the small movement alone hurts, but it’s worth it.
“You just gonna stand there and stare at me all day?” I choke out, letting my smart-ass side come out a little bit because it’s easier than dealing with all of the feelings welling up inside me.
I lose the battle to my emotions quickly though when he stalks toward me, his boots landing heavily on the flooring beneath his feet. Each of his movements is deliberate and methodical, but slow, like he’s afraid to get too close or something. Maybe he thinks he’s still dreaming and if he touches me he’ll wake up.
“You’re alive…” He stares at me in awe, barely even breathing his words into existence. “Grazie per aver salvato il suo caro signore esalvatore.” He closes his eyes and tilts his head back, speaking our beautiful native tongue into the universe.
“Of course I’m alive. You can’t get rid of me that easily.” I smirk, hoping to infuse some lightheartedness on the heaviness of this moment as he pulls his shocked gaze back to me.
I know I failed when he chokes out a sob and falls to his knees at my bedside, reaching for my hand again. I grab it and hold on tight in an attempt to prove that I’m still here and not going anywhere anytime soon.
“The gunshot wound wasn’t that bad Ren. Even this coma or whatever I’ve been living through isn’t enough to keep us apart. I’m so sorry I scared youil mio re…” My heart is fucking breaking at the look on his face. It’s like he’s looking at a ghost instead of his own flesh and blood wife.
“You didn’t just live through a coma. Quinn… You—you… died.”
Five
Alessandra
What the actual fuck? I died? I died… As in I kicked the fucking bucket and now I’m here with only one of the four loves of my life, wondering why I’m still here.
