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JACE
Sunlight flooded in from the window, hitting my closed eyes and forcing me awake. I grumbled and stuffed my face into Allie’s hair, dragging her body closer to mine and trying so hard not to wake her.
My heart raced in my chest as I remembered all those mornings we used to wake up like this, when I’d watch her mumble in her sleep, the way her nose would scrunch up as she opened her eyes, how the sunlight would flicker off them and make me smile.
She had fallen asleep in her glasses last night, so I gently pulled them off her face and placed them on my side table. She turned toward me and buried her face into my chest, resting her ear right over my rib cage, no doubt hearing my racing heart.
I trailed my fingers over her cheek and smiled to myself.
Fuck pretending that I woke up next to a different girl every morning. I wanted this.
On the nightstand, Allie’s phone buzzed. It was six in the fucking morning on a Saturday. Who was messaging her now? Imani was probably still half-asleep. From what I’d gathered when she stayed over, they both got up early but not this early.
I moved slightly in the bed, closing my eyes and telling myself to enjoy the moment I had with her because I didn’t get moments like this often—moments I could actually smile down at her and not see her angry face glaring back up at me, moments I wasn’t filled with dread because of what Mom and Dad had done to our family, moments I could just feel good and at peace because the girl I loved was sleeping in my arms.
The phone buzzed again, and Allie stirred in my arms.
“Shh, shh, shh,” I whispered, brushing my fingers over her cheek like she always used to love.
She mumbled something but didn’t open her eyes.
I glanced over at the phone, hearing another message pop up. Jamal’s name flashed on the screen, and I tensed, feeling both anger and jealousy raging through me.
Why is he messaging her so early?
Allie turned back over and groaned. “Why is my alarm on? It’s Satur—” She paused halfway to reach for her phone and tensed. She glanced over her shoulder at me with wide eyes, looking like she had gotten caught doing something she shouldn’t have. “Fuck.”
My heart hurt as I watched her face contort into one of anger. I wanted to have her, to be with her, to love her. That was all I needed, all I fucking needed to be happy with my life.
“What are you looking at?” she asked, pulling the blankets up her body to cover her chest. She shook her head and turned away from me. “You should’ve brought me back to my bedroom last night. Why would you sleep next to me?” she asked, her voice filled with such pain and anger.
Tossing some strands of hair over her shoulder, she put on her glasses and grabbed her phone. When she turned it on, she realized that it wasn’t her alarm, but Jamal texting her this early, wishing her a good morning, asking her if she wanted to have breakfast with him at the Overlook.
I pressed my lips together, feeling like I was being stabbed in the heart over and over and over again. She shuffled to her feet and twisted the sheets around her torso to hide her naked body from me, typing out a text to him.
“You’re leaving?” I asked, wishing she’d stay. Just another minute, just a little longer.
She glanced at me and swallowed, turning toward the door. “I’m going out to breakfast with a friend,” she said.
She didn’t know that I knew it was him—my best friend, my only real friend.
Before she could leave my room, I stood up in front of her. “Wait.”
She paused and shook her head, her voice quiet. “What, Jace?”
I licked my lips, trying to form words—any fucking words to get her to stay. She was mine, mine … yet I couldn’t tell her how I felt. I couldn’t tell her that I still wanted her. I couldn’t explain my actions from sophomore year. She’d be fucking terrified if she found out what had really happened and why I had really broken up with her.
“If you’re not going to say anything, move,” Allie said, stepping to the side and trying to sneak by me. She grasped the door handle and opened it up, hurrying out into the hall.
“Do you love him?” I asked before I could stop myself, my heart clenching.
She stopped in the middle of the hallway, her entire body tense. “What?” she asked, but she had heard me the first time.
“Do you love Jamal?” I asked, turning around and staring down into those big, wavering eyes. They were suddenly glossy and filling with tears, the same way they had the day I broke her heart.
“Jace,” she said, voice almost inaudible. She wrapped her arms around herself, as if she was protecting herself from me yet again. “Don’t do this.”
My jaw twitched. “Tell me it’s not true,” I said—begged. “Tell me you don’t love him, Allie.”
I didn’t want it to be true. I didn’t want any of this to be true. It had started as innocent little moments and turned into breakfast dates. Soon, it’d be more, and the thought of us would be lost for-fucking-ever.
She couldn’t like my best friend. She was mine.
After a few moments of silence, she shook her head. “How can I love him?” she whispered, pressing her lips together and looking down at her feet. There was hurt in her voice—so much fucking hurt that I had caused. “How could I ever love him?” The question was almost rhetorical, and yet she answered it herself. “I couldn’t, I can’t, and I don’t.”
I wanted to reach out to her, to pull her into a hug, to take another stupid high school picture with her that I could keep in my drawer and smile at whenever I felt sad. But all I had the confidence to do was nod my head.
She paused and stared at me, as if she was waiting for something more than a head nod. And when she realized that was all I could ever give her, a look of sadness washed over her face, and she turned away from me. “I don’t love him yet.”
