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JOÃO
“Why did we leave Mama?” Ana asked, holding my hand the next evening. From my car, we walked up the lawn to the front door, her body wrapped up tightly in a winter coat. She padded over the frozen dirt lawn and stopped me at the front door. “Did she do something bad?”
“Mama needed some time to relax,” I said to her, lying straight through my fucking teeth. I knew that I should’ve told her what was really going on with Mom—she deserved to know—but I couldn’t get myself to say it. Not only because of her, but because of myself too.
When I opened the door, the thick scent of brigadeiros hit me. And I knew it was Mom’s way of getting Ana on her side, to show her that she wasn’t the monster I had supposedly made her out to be, even though all I wanted was for Mom to be healthy for us again.
“Mama!” Ana shouted, grinning and running over toward her.
Mom glanced over her shoulder from the stove, smiled widely, and crouched to her level, scooping Ana up into her arms and twirling her around. “Ana! I missed you so much.” She turned toward the stove with Ana. “I’m making your favorite.”
“I missed you too, Mama.” Ana ran her fingers through Mom’s thick hair and frowned. “Did you get some rest? João said that you needed some for the past couple days. I hope that you relaxed.”
While I placed my coat on the back of a chair, Mom glanced over at me. Black bags lay underneath her eyes, her lips pulled into a tight and taut smile, one that didn’t reach her eyes. I didn’t know if it was because she felt guilty, if she didn’t want to see me but didn’t want Ana to know, or if she had stayed up all night, getting high.
And I didn’t want to ask either.
After Mom and Ana made their brigadeiros and sat on the couch to watch cartoons together, I looked in the medicine cabinet and clenched my jaw. Ana didn’t have much medication left. And it wasn’t like we had fucking insurance.
I ran a hand over my face and blew out a breath, trying to figure out what the fuck I was going to do between the bills piling up on the kitchen table that Mom hadn’t been able to pay since she had gotten discharged from the hospital, to the hospital bill itself, to this medication that probably wouldn’t last another week.
Once Poison had split that two mil from Jace three ways and we took care of a couple things for the business, I was left with five hundred grand. And in the northeast, that kind of money went quickly with how expensive shit was around here, like hospital bills, the house, fucking groceries.
Ana’s medication wasn’t cheap either.
I’d rather still get it for free.
Maybe after the football game, when everyone started panicking, pharmacies would be under less intense security. Now, they had fucking cops posted at nearly all of them, especially the ones that carried this kind of shit.
We’d have to go then.
I stood in the kitchen, watching the stupid cartoons on the TV in the living room. Ana kicked her legs back and forth and smiled at the TV as Mom moved from the couch to me.
She stood by my side and gave me a small smile. Almost too sweetly.
“I’m trying, João,” she whispered, anxiously rubbing her hands back and forth. “But I …”
There was a long pause, and I had the urge to leave right then and there. I knew something shitty was about to come out of her mouth, but I wanted to believe that she had just stayed up all night, worrying about us.
I wanted to believe that she was still the woman I had looked up to for so long.
“What is it?” I asked quietly.
She pulled her pupil-dilated gaze away. “I need those pills. Just one. For the pain.”
My entire body froze. I swallowed hard. My heart pounded against my rib cage, and my stomach dropped. Fuck, I knew that I should’ve left. I knew I should’ve fucking left while we were on some kind of decent relationship.
I didn’t want to fight with her.
“No,” I said sternly.
“They’re my pills from the hospital. All I need is one.” She moved closer to me, and I noticed the thin layer of sweat on the back of her neck, her dark hair stuck to the tan skin. She grabbed my forearm. “Please.”
“Drop it, Mama.” I looked over at Ana, who sat on the couch with a plate of cooled brigadeiros on her lap, rocking her head from side to side while she ate and watched cartoons. “I came here, so you could spend time with Ana, not for you to pester me about pills.”
She rubbed her muscles. “Please, João. My body aches.”
Blinking back tears, I pressed my lips together and stared at Ana. Between her aching muscles and sweating and dilated pupils, Mom was going through withdrawal. I didn’t want her to be in pain, but I couldn’t give her any pills.
