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IMANI
“I love you so fucking much, Imani Abara.”
The words replayed over and over in my head as I stared at João, who poured his entire soul out to me. My heart was beating so quickly that I thought it would burst out of my freaking chest. I rested my hands on his muscular shoulders.
Was he saying this because he was hurt? Or did he really mean it?
He was hurting so badly right now, and I didn’t want him to hurt more. I refused to let him hurt more. It was so painful to see someone whose strength I admired—even if I had never said it aloud before—look so defeated and destroyed emotionally.
I wasn’t going to fight with him. I wasn’t going to bitch him out for hurting me.
“I love you too,” I whispered. I tucked some dark hair behind his ear and curled my lips into a smile. “You don’t know how much that means to me to hear you say that, especially now. I know that you’re hurting.”
João gripped my waist so tightly that I was sure he’d leave bruises, but I’d rather have bruises than watch him fall apart. “I wanted to tell you sooner. I didn’t want it to come to something like this. But I didn’t know how to say it.”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s fucking not, Imani. It took my mom killing herself for me to realize that I can’t fucking lose you. I wouldn’t be okay. I won’t ever be okay from this shit, but …” He ran a hand through his hair. “I can’t lose anyone else I care about.”
While my mind was reeling with so many different thoughts and feelings, warmth spread throughout my chest, down my torso, and to each of my limbs, overwhelming me completely. It felt so wrong to talk about this after his mom had died, but this was João.
He was never good with his feelings.
“I’m sorry about everything,” I said after a long period of silence. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t do more, but I promise that I will help you take care of Ana, and so will Landon and Kai. We’re in this forever, João. She won’t suffer because of this.”
João gave me a small smile, the first spark of lightness in his eyes. “Poison forever.”
“Poison forever,” I repeated.
After a few moments, João rested his head back against the couch and closed his eyes. The stress that had disappeared a few short minutes ago was suddenly back and looked so much worse.
“You know …” I ran my fingers through his unkempt hair and toyed with the ends. “We could fix up Landon’s house, put more security cameras around the property, get better locks, and replace the windows, so you and Ana have somewhere to stay that isn’t here …”
I looked around the small house and frowned. I didn’t know if I was overstepping; this place might’ve held so many good memories for him, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to sleep in the house that my mother had killed herself in.
“It’s big enough to have a room for each of you guys, even Kai,” I said. “I did some snooping and found out that the house is paid off, so you won’t have to worry about that or any rent. I’m sure Landon wouldn’t mind, and I can get my mom to help us out. As much as you don’t think she likes you, she’s willing to help you.”
“I don’t want your mom’s money,” he said tensely. “Then, I’d have to owe her. That’s how it works in Redwood, whether you like it or not, Imani.”
“You’ll pay her back by protecting me, her daughter,” I said. “She’s in deep with Akio’s family. She will do anything to protect me, including helping you out of a tough situation because Poison is defending her daughter.”
João shook his head, but something shifted in his eyes. “I’m not making any promises, so don’t go home and tell your mom shit. But I’ll think about it. Ana needs a place to sleep, and I don’t think I’ll be able to get a good night’s sleep here ever again.”
I grabbed his hands and smiled at him. “You’re going to get through this.”
“God, I fucking hope so,” he said, looking over my shoulder at the note on the coffee table.
Ever since Landon had left with Kai and Ana earlier, I hadn’t stopped looking over at it either. Even during the few hours of sleep that I had gotten, I’d kept waking up, and it was the first thing that I saw. I knew that it was a suicide note, a last good-bye.
Maybe it would give João some closure.
Or at least the answer to his question, Did my mom ever love me?
“You should read it,” I said, giving him my best reassuring smile. “It doesn’t have to be right now, but it might, you know, give you some closure or something. I don’t know, but it might …” I didn’t know where I was going with this.
I just had a feeling that it’d help João, like I’d had a feeling that I should answer João’s phone call early this morning. I couldn’t really explain it, especially not to João, who was neither religious nor spiritual.
João grabbed the note from the coffee table, keeping it folded closed and turning it over and over in his hands. He drew his fingers across the folds, every once in a while flipping the corner up, as if he was going to open it.
But he never did.
Instead, he tucked it away in his jeans that he had fallen asleep in last night and looked at the ground between his legs. “Maybe one day, when I’m not angry at her, I’ll open it up and get that closure, but not now.”
