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“João?” Ana asked with worry. “Please, what does that mean?”
“It means that Mama is dead.”
Ana’s eyes widened, tears immediately filling them. “Mama is dead?” she asked, chin quivering and tears rushing down her cheeks. She buried her face into the crook of my neck and cried, “Mama is dead!”
“I’m sorry, Ana,” I whispered, holding her tight and desperately trying to hold myself together. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to tell you, but I don’t want to lie to you anymore. She loved you so fucking much.”
Ana’s small body shook uncontrollably in my arms. “Mama is dead!”
I didn’t know if I should’ve told her or not, but I hadn’t wanted to keep lying to her. I couldn’t. I wanted her to trust me with everything that she could possibly need. She already had a father who had let her get fucking HIV and a mother who had killed herself because she couldn’t handle this life anymore.
Ana needed to trust me, or maybe I needed to trust her. Maybe I was the one who needed someone. Maybe I was the one who needed to be honest with someone for the first time in my fucking life.
I wasn’t okay.
I didn’t know if I would ever be okay.
“Mama!” Ana cried, holding on to me tightly and trembling in my arms. “I want Mama!”
I bit back my sobs. “I know that I’ll never replace her, but I will protect you through everything, Ana. You won’t have to worry about anything ever again. I promise you that. I will never leave you.”
