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Nope. Bad idea.
“Time to go, Nora.” I don’t need anyone else seeing that hot look but me.
Chapter 7
Nora
Axel was quiet after we left Wagner Arena, keeping Otto with him in his room for much of the afternoon and evening.
I’d been planning to rake him over the coals a bit for telling his team I belonged to his infant— heck, I’d been looking forward to it. But kicking someone when they’re down isn’t my thing, and there was no missing the way visiting the arena affected him.
He’s got to go back to work tomorrow, leaving his week-old son with me, the fun-wrecker from next door, so I figured the least I could do was give him a break last night.
Today, though, he’s tense, closed off. And I’m hoping I can help, because he needs to get on a plane with his team in a few days, and it’s going to be a heck of a lot easier if he feels like he’s got some control over what’s happening back at home.
Which is why I’ve got him sitting at the island in the kitchen, Otto tucked into his bouncer in front of him, while I point to the new whiteboard Command-stripped to the wall next to the fridge.
Taking the cap off my dry-erase marker, I write across the top in all caps: NANNY WISH LIST.
Axel takes a slug of water and shakes his head. “Don’t we have an app we can share lists on?”
“Not the same. I want this to be front and center every time you walk through here.” For every timeIwalk through. “We need to figure out what the priorities are so we have something the agency can use to help find the very best person to care for Otto when you’re not here.”
He nods, eyes focused on his son. “I don’t want someone older. I want as much consistency as I can make happen for this kid. So, no one who might decide it’s time to retire in a few years. Besides, Shelly’s younger than I am. If she’d stayed, she would have been playing on the floor with him as he got bigger. I want someone who can do that.”
“Okay, so someone young and active.” I start to write “younger,” and Axel cuts in.
“But not too young. I mean, I want someone responsible and mature. Reliable. Maybe not someone who’s just killing time until they can have a kid of their own.”
I change it to “young but not too young” and add “fit and active” and “career nanny,” checking with Axel on each addition.
He nods but looks so stressed I can’t help thinking back to the easygoing guy who didn’t fluster from when we first met. Even after things turned sour and I had to knock on his door or I’d catch him in the hall, he’d been unflappable.
Not anymore.
We talk about finding someone with experience working with high-profile families. Someone with a good driving record since they’ll be responsible for transporting Otto when Axel is out of town.
Someone willing to move in and stay on duty for extended periods when Axel has to travel with the team.
“Oh, I didn’t think to ask, but would you prefer a male or female, or does it matter at all?”
He doesn’t hesitate. “Not a guy.”
I start to write it down but stop when he adds quietly, “It’s not because of any prejudice, either. It’s just”— he sighs —“I don’t think I could handle it if he called someone else Daddy before me.”
There’s so much vulnerability in his words. So different from what he’s shown me these last months. And his willingness to let me see this side of him… I don’t know, it’s shifting the way I think about him.
“I get it. And while no one is going to replace you for this little boy, if it makes you uncomfortable then we’ll request a woman.”
He nods, then shakes his head, only to let it drop into his hands. “Jesus. Out of one side of my mouth, I’m saying I don’t want Otto to feel abandoned. I want him to have all the security in the world. And out of the other side, I’m making petty choices because I’m afraid he’s going to betoo okaywhen I’m gone.” Turning so he can look up at me, he asks, “What the hell is wrong with me? I want him to be happy. That should be all that matters, right?”
“He will be.” I take a step closer, stopping myself before I reach out to touch him. “But it’s okay to have feelings too. This week has been a lot.”
“No,” he says quickly, straightening to place a protective hand over Otto’s tiny body, “it hasn’t. It’s good. I want this. All of it.”
And this time, I can’t stop myself and cover his hand with mine, needing him to hear me. To understand.
“Axel, admitting it’s hard doesn’t mean you don’t want Otto. It’s not a betrayal to him, and no one is going to show up and strip you of yourDad Card.”
