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And then, I came home to Otto and Axel and a new symbol of the life I wanted for myself. One that was vibrant and growing and, with just a little help, climbing to heights never imagined.
Which was when the crushing started to feel like something more. Like maybe I wasn’t holding it at bay quite the way I wanted to believe. And now, for the last two weeks, every time Axel walks in after a practice, a game, or a road trip, my heart starts racing like a runaway train. One that’s destined to crash.
I’ve even started pulling Stella out of the drawer that had become her crypt in the evenings and setting her next to flourishing Damien.
But now this.
Thisis too much.
“I told you I ordered something online for Christmas,” Axel says through a cocky grin. “It wasn’t going to be ready for a couple of weeks. But it’s ready now.”
Online classes.
Something he’d known I wanted but hadn’t been ready to start. Or so I thought.
“You can actually get a few in before you leave for France.”
I can’t believe he did this.
“Axel, it’s too much.” I knitted Otto a pair of hockey skate booties and gave Axel a framed picture I’d taken of him and Otto on the sly.
“It’s not. You were there for me when Otto was born in a way that I will never forget. I can’t stand the idea of you feeling like you don’t have options, because you deserve all of them. And I know, given enough time, you’d get them on your own. But maybe I like the idea of being a part of helping that future happen.” He rubs his chest. “Even if Otto and I aren’t there to see it firsthand.”
He’s helping me build my future. Knowing he won’t be a part of it.
I try to speak but end up shaking my head through a watery smile with too much of all the wrong kinds of emotion behind it. It takes everything I have not to throw myself into his arms, but I can see the whiteboard wish list with the blurred lines in the rough shape of my body beyond his shoulder.
We’ve been here before.
And if I don’t do something about it, we’re going to end up in a place where neither of us can afford to go.
* * *
Axel
“Jesus, what’s your emergency?”Grady groans into the phone. “Boomer go missing? Spoiler alert, he’s banging a bunny somewhere disgusting. Tell Bowie to cool his tits.”
“She’s got a date.” I’ve got my hand cupped over the phone and my mouth as I panic-stalk from one end of my bedroom to the other.
“What, who?”
“Nora. Who the hell do you think?” I’m losing my shit, and it comes out sounding more like hysterical whisper-screaming than the manly bark I intended. But damn it, everything was going great this morning. I told her about the online classes, and yeah, there was that minute when our eyes met and everything started to slow down, closing in until I couldn’t see anything but her.
And then it passed. We were fine.
Until this afternoon. When suddenly, she has a fucking date.
I hear some rustling through the phone like maybe Grady’s getting out of bed, and I feel like shit for interrupting what time he has with Harlow. But this is an emergency.
I need him to talk me down because I’m at risk of hulking out. Over something that is none of my damn business and shouldn’t impact me at all. That’s what he needs to remind me. Maybe with a fist or something. Because this is bad.
“Who’s she going out with?”
“Some douche from marketing,” I spit.
I don’t even know if he’s a douche. Maybe he’s a nice guy who would be the perfect low-key romance before she left. Maybe—
“Not that fucker Drake?”
