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If I’ll see him again. Be able to hold him.
“Is he awake?”
I turn to where Axel is standing shirtless in the doorway, one heavy shoulder propped against the frame. Even in the dim light, he takes my breath away.
I shake my head and try to speak, but my voice cracks, and I drop my head into my hands.
In a second, he’s there. His strong arms surround me, holding me close as the emotion I can’t contain breaks free in a hiccupy sob.
“Aww, please don’t cry.”
“I don’t know how to do this. I thought I’d be able to walk away when the time came, that it wouldn’t feel like this.” Like my heart was being ripped from my chest.
The arms around me tighten, and I swear I hear Axel breathe a quiet curse.
Pulling back, I peer up at him. “I’m sorry.”
“No, Nora. I’m sorry. You shouldn’t be hurting when you ought to be bubbling over with excitement about where your life is heading.”
That’s the thing. I have to tell him. I have to risk it. “What if I’m excited about what my life looks like right now?” What if what I have right here in Axel’s arms with Otto beside us is what I’ve been waiting for?
He takes a deep breath and then sets me back a step. He’s smiling, sort of. Only it doesn’t look right. “Obviously, the Erikson men are pretty exciting. But we’re nothing like the adventures you’ll have in Paris.”
And then he starts talking about all the amazing things awaiting me, rattling off museums and tourist sites. Restaurants and nightclubs.
“…and there’s Notre Dame. Talk about inspiring, right?”
He’s pumping me up about friends I haven’t made and a job that’s likely going to be just another job. Telling me how much I’m going to love it.
There’s almost adesperationto it.
And I realize with brutal clarity that hewantsme to go. Maybe even needs me to.
Oh God.
“…and you’ll probably start watching soccer. It’s big over there.”
I feel sick.Of coursehe needs me to go. I’m not just Otto’s nanny, someone he can let go if they aren’t working out. I’m his live-in girlfriend too. And that’s a role he most likely wouldn’t have been looking to fill if not for the very unique circumstances we found ourselves in.
I knew this.
I told Caroline. The very reason Axel and I were able to fall into this thing between us was because we knew it wouldn’t last. I was leaving. There was no risk. Not to our plans, anyway.
But my heart?
I force a smile, nodding like I’m paying attention to anything other than the pit opening in the center of my chest. “You’re right, Axel. It’s nerves talking, that’s all. Go back to bed. But I’ll just stay here with Otto a while, if you don’t mind.”
Axel’s smile flickers. “I can stay with you.”
But I can’t stay with you.
“Get some rest. I’ll come back to bed in a bit.”
* * *
Axel
Nora didn’t come backto bed.
