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Nick huffed out a laugh. “Wanna talk about it?”
“Nope.” He didn’t mean to sound so churlish, but the last thing he wanted to do was pour his heart out to Nick and a man he’d only met for the first time at Levi’s birthday the week before.
“Good. We can pick up the pace then,” Mike replied, saving him from deflecting the conversation any more. They ran together, feet pounding the path. On their left was the ocean, the morning swell picking up, the waves glittering in the bright sunlight. Surfers rode them into shore, carving and cutting along them. Dogs and their owners ran along the shoreline. On the right were the towers—hotels and apartments, office buildings—and older beach huts, the surf club and oceanfront mansions.
Clear blue skies and a warm breeze should have made for a beautiful run—flawless like the day was—but Connor blocked it all out. Seeing the happy people around him, living and loving life made the knife in his chest plunge deeper. Why had he gone and let his heart run away with him? Why couldn’t he love someone like Miranda? Someone uncomplicated? Available even? But no, as if it wasn’t bad enough that he was in love with one person already in a relationship, he’d gone and fallen for two. And better yet, they were together, and talk about perfect for each other. This was why he’d left in the first place, why he’d run. It’d held off the yearning for the woman he couldn’t have but had never obliterated the desire. Coming home was a bad idea. He’d known it, but like a blind fool, he’d tried to fulfil Rob’s dying wish.
Connor picked up the pace, pushing himself and trying to outrun the pain until sweat soaked his skin. Kilometres passed under the steady beat of his running shoes, his two silent companions matching him step for step until finally, he couldn’t run anymore. Out of breath and desperate for water, Connor followed Mike and Nick into the beachside park, collapsing against a tall palm, the smooth bark pressing against his back. Exhaustion coursed through him, the lactic acid in his muscles making his limbs unbearably heavy.
“Fuck me, haven’t done a workout like that since I’ve been home.” Sweat dripped off his brow as he bent over, resting his hands on his knees, trying to drag air into his lungs. “Burns like a mother.”
Nick stretched his legs, leaning against the same palm Connor was. “What are you running from, mate?” he gasped.
“Fuck,” Connor groaned, frustrated.
“You can talk to me, to us, if you need to, bud. We’ll always listen.”
Connor huffed out a humourless laugh. “Yeah, you guys’ll be so understanding of my fucked up life.”
Mike’s eyes flashed with annoyance. “Don’t be a prick or so fuckin’ judgemental of us.”
“That’s the fucking problem though isn’t it—the judgement.” Connor threw his hands up in the air and paced. “Knowing that the one thing I want is wrong. Goddammit,” he shouted, kicking at a stone and sending it flying. Hands in his hair, he tugged on the curls that’d grown since he’d returned home. “I can’t handle it anymore. I just can’t do it.”
“What can’t you do, Con?” Nick asked gently.
“No, it’s what I’m gonna do. I’ve gotta leave the Coast, and not come back. Cut all contact, maybe.” He shook his head. There was no way he’d do that. He couldn’t even if he wanted to—Katy would never stand for it. “I can’t see any other way to move on. I can’t get ‘em outta my head, ya know?”
“Don’t do anything rash, Con. Can you open up more to Katy and Lee? Maybe work through whatever it is you’re dealing with, with them?” When Connor shook his head, his shoulders sagging, Nick continued, “Get away if you need to but don’t just leave. You three have been friends forever. It’ll break their hearts if you walk,” Nick counselled him.
“I know, but I can’t….” He trailed off, raking his fingers through his hair and wiping the sweat from his brow.
“Look, I know we don’t really know each other, but maybe that’s what you need—someone independent, detached. Come hang at my place for a while,” Mike offered.
“Nah, mate. I don’t wanna get in your way.” Connor shook his head and pressed his lips into a sad smile. “Didn’t you say last weekend that your girl was flying in today? I’m not gonna let her come all the way across the damn country and have me sittin’ there like an idiot while you want some alone time. And don’t you have kids? They’ll probably be there too. Nah, you don’t want me around. I’ll just check into a cheap hotel somewhere.”
Nick rested his hand on Connor’s shoulder and squeezed gently, getting his attention. The other man had this way about him which commanded attention. Connor shouldn’t have been surprised—Nick was a lawyer and a damn good one at that. He exuded confidence without being arrogant, strength without being overbearing. “Come to my place. It’s big enough. You won’t even know we’re there most of the time and you can spend as long as you need to figure things out. There’s no way I’m letting you stay in a hotel when we live down the beach from them. And you aren’t gonna make the decision to leave your friends, your home while you’re alone. I’ll give you my spare key when we get back to the cars.”A good ten kilometres away.Connor groaned and scrubbed a hand across his forehead.
“Are you sure? I don’t wanna put you out, but I could do with somewhere to hide out and think for a few days. Get my head on right.”
“You won’t be in the way, and Em would love to have you too.” Nick smiled at him encouragingly.
“It would be kinda nice having someone independent to talk to. But don’t worry, I won’t get in the way and like I said, it’ll only be for a few days.” Connor sighed, looking out over the ocean he loved. It was the first time he’d ever been sad seeing it. “Just until I figure out where to move to.”
“That’s our Uber.” Mike pointed to the bright green hatch pulling up at the curb driven by the cute blonde. “How about we head on back to the cars and you two can work out the deets?”
Connor smiled gratefully at his friend, before falling into step between them.
*****
Four days. Four days had passed since he’d seen Katy and Levi. He was like a recovering addict counting the number of day’s he’d been clean. It was probably as torturous too. Between the two of them, the messages had been constant. He’d deflected most of them, answering with just enough detail that they wouldn’t worry, but at the same time letting them assume he was still at Miranda’s house. It was the coward’s way out, but he didn’t think he’d be able to explain why he couldn’t see them anymore.
Now, sitting in his therapist’s office, he showed her Levi’s last message.We’re glad ur happy with M. Guess ur living there now.The first time he’d read it, he’d sucked in a breath andswallowed around the lump in his throat. Seeing it again didn’t make it any easier. The pain in his chest still so fucking raw. The text was innocent, yet filled with assumptions that were entirely wrong. The misunderstanding didn’t surprise him, but now they thought he’d moved out.Are they happy I’m not there anymore? That they’ve got their lives back, without me in it? The thought broke him. Loneliness as vast as the Sahara Desert swallowed him whole and sucked the life out of him. He’d been staying with friends, and had gone to group sessions every day, but he was so alone. He couldn’t shake the dark storm cloud that hung over him. He was barely eating, he drank far too much and was lethargic.
“Is M for Miranda? You didn’t tell me that you two were serious.”
“We aren’t anything.”
“Why not?” she asked, sitting back in the armchair and crossing her legs. She was laid back and he liked that about her, but she had a sharp mind like a steel trap. She didn’t forget anything; it was unnerving at times. “Last time you spoke about her, you were going to see where things led.” Yeah, he’d told her that. At the time he was trying to persuade himself it was the right thing to do.
