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Levi kissed his forehead and whispered, “Please stay.” He ran his hands down his friend’s bare back and snaking his arms around Connor’s waist, he hugged him close in exactly the way he’d wanted to do in bed.
Connor closed his eyes and returned his head to Levi’s shoulder. His breaths were ragged, his voice breaking on the last of his whispered words. “I don’t wanna go.”
Connor
Connor stepped out of the steaming shower he’d escaped to after whatever the hell had gone down between him and Levi earlier. One minute he’d been trying to stand and the next he’d been in Levi’s arms. And hearing Levi beg him to stay, tell him that Katy loved him had pushed him to the edge. He’d wanted it, damn well craved it. He’d wished desperately that it could be a reality, but could it really? He’d been worried about everyone’s judgement, had told himself that it’d never work. How had anything changed? It hadn’t. Instead, he’d given into temptation. He was scared—terrified that their affair would leave him broken beyond repair. But like a sucker for pain, a total masochist, he couldn’t keep away.
“Hey, Con, what time’s your gig tonight?” Levi yelled from the other room. “If I can move after today’s filming, I’d like to be there.”
“Eight,” he called out, scrubbing the fluffy white towel over his hair, before wrapping it around his waist. Steam coated the mirror, but it didn’t matter. It wasn’t like he was going to shave; he was finally at the point of almost having a proper beard. “Whatcha filmin’?” he asked, walking into his bedroom and pulling a pair of shorts out of his cupboard.
“I’m doin’ a few specials on preparing forTough Mudder,” Levi said as he came to stand in the open doorway of Connor’s bedroom. “DJ, our location manager, set up some exercises with the army, training at the barracks in the mountains. Should be fun.”
“Cool.” Connor hesitated before pulling off the towel and getting dressed. He had planned on heading to the mechanic’s shop to see if any of the parts he’d sent away for rust proofing had been returned, but one day wouldn’t make a difference. Levi’s bike was as close to being finished as it was going to get—another day or two and it’d be ready for painting. That bit and the assembly, Connor wanted them to do together. “Hey, I can come if you like. I was gonna do a few bits and pieces, but it can wait. I might be able to give you some pointers.”
“Yeah, great.” Levi’s smile lit up his face and Connor’s heart skipped a beat. With an excited grin, Levi asked, “Can we take your car up the mountain?”
Connor chuckled. “Yeah, I’ve been itchin’ to let her loose on the winding roads up there.” Deciding against the shorts and shirt, Connor retrieved his heavy-duty combat boots and camos from his cupboard. If he was going to help Levi, it would be from by his side.
*****
Closing his eyes, Connor tried to breathe deeply. Tried being the appropriate word. He could barely get a breath in, but even still, the smell of eucalypts and the damp mossy undergrowth wafted to him on the cool breeze. The light sprinkling of rain they’d had on the way up the mountain had given a chill to the wind and left everything smelling fresh.
The beauty of the surrounding scenery did nothing to ease him; Connor’s chest was tight. He fought to gasp in another breath. It was as if an elephant was sitting on him making him struggle to get air into his lungs with each inhale.Damnit. Fuck.Frustrated, he ground his teeth together as he tried in vain to steady his shaking hands. His heart beat hard, each pump vibrating through him.
“Lee,” he wheezed, unsure whether his friend would have even heard. They hadn’t even started the run yet. No, they were getting the grand tour, the director insisting they see the training village even though both the army and the location manager had already ruled it out for possible filming. He shouldn’t be struggling, but his mind teetered on the edge of a ravine into hell, and knowing exactly what was down there in its depths—the memories, the grief and powerlessness—scared Connor more than the war ever had.
He was already trailing behind the group, leaving Levi to his thing, when the memories crashed into him. Alert, panning his gaze, he looked through the windows of the empty squat building, to see another opening on the opposite side. Through the windows was an alleyway, the flash of movement there catching his eye. Connor reached for his gun, but it wasn’t there.Why not?Instinctively, he felt for his sidearm, but he wasn’t wearing his holster either. Or his body armour.Jesus fucking Christ.His heartbeat thundering in his veins, panic seizing him, every muscle in his body turning to jelly.Hide.Dizzy, he reached out trying to steady himself, but he went down on his knees. He was a sitting duck. Fucking target practice.
Gravel crunched underfoot and Connor raised his fist—the sign for freeze—as he tried desperately to get a handle on where the enemy was, but his unit didn’t stop—they kept talking… they kept walking. Frantic, he looked up scanning the rooftops, waiting for the inevitable moment he’d see it—the wink of metal in the sunlight. The gun that would end him.
“Fire at will.” His commanding officer’s voice rang through the quiet village.Connor’s muscles wouldn’t work. Everything in him screamed to take cover, but he couldn’t move. Like sinking down into a pool of quicksand, he was rooted to the spot. When would it happen? When would the lance of fire-like pain from the bullet tearing his body apart come?
“Connor,Connor.” The voice was familiar.Rob. No! Take cover. You die too. You can’t die. Molly doesn’t deserve to lose you, you don’t deserve to die. Please. Strong hands on his biceps shook him and instinct had him fighting back, warding off the enemy. He struck out, connecting with a hard body but a grunt was the only indication he’d even affected the insurgent.
“Con, you’re home. You’re safe.” The hands left his arms and cupped his face and Connor recoiled, shying from the blows that would come. They did that—the enemy would beat him to a pulp if they got their hands on him. But they couldn’t, could they? He was there, in the middle of his unit. They protected each other. Connor looked around wildly. Why wasn’t he protected? Bodies were everywhere. Blood stains seeping into the dirt, the pools of red flooding outward and turning a deep brown as the dust settled. All of them, gone. Mangled piles of limbs twisted into barely recognizable forms. A tortured cry ripped itself from his throat as he twisted, trying to reach his brothers and sisters.
“No,” he gasped, his lungs on fire. He needed to breathe, but he couldn’t. Why couldn’t he? He fought, trying to push the wall of muscle away. Like he was underwater, the sounds around him became muted, his vision swimming. Blackness started to close in on him.
“Look at me, Connor. Focus on me. Breathe.”Levi? No, he can’t be here.“You’re back on the Goldie. Remember? Your first day back we went and laid out on the beach. You were listening to the waves, relaxing. Katy was there too. You were singing with your guitar.” He remembered that. The inner calm, the peace he got from being with his best friends washed over him. “That’s it. Take another breath.” He did and the dark shadows colouring his vision lifted.
“Con, I need you to look at me. I need you to see me.” Connor followed Levi’s soothing voice and finally focussed on him. Right in front of him, their faces close together, he was all Connor could see. His gut sank, confusion and horror washing over him. “Just look at me. Don’t worry about anything else. You’re safe. You’re home. No one’s gonna hurt you. Ever. Okay?” Connor found himself nodding, wanting to do anything to keep the strength of those hands on him. They were the only thing keeping him upright.
“I’m gonna give you a tablet. It’s the one you normally take to help calm you down. Can I do that? Can you open your mouth for me?” Connor’s movements were slow, but he managed a nod. When he did, he felt Levi reaching into his pocket, getting the pill bottle out and Connor opened his mouth. The acrid taste of the medicine under his tongue filled his mouth after a moment and he began floating, the pain drifting away. Levi’s strong hands stayed on him, comforting him.
His head throbbing, he slumped forward, falling into Levi’s arms and resting his head on his friend’s shoulder. He breathed deeply, smelling no cordite, no blood. There was only cedar and orange, only Levi. The tablets always made him drowsy—he hated taking them, but he was finally going numb, finally getting blessed relief from nerves that were too raw, from memories that were so terrifying, they’d broken and scarred him for life.
“I’m sorry,” Connor whispered. “I ruined everything.”
“Nah, you haven’t ruined anything. Not at all,” Levi responded, lulling Connor to sleep as he ran his fingers through Connor’s hair. “But this position is hell on my knees. Let’s get you up and into the medical centre so you can sleep. The doc’s right here.”
“No,” he breathed, his muscles clenching tight. “Not the infirmary, please.” Connor was ashamed at the weakness, the vulnerability in his voice, but he couldn’t handle another flashback, and that’s exactly what would happen if he went in there. The harsh antiseptics, the beds, and nurse’s scrubs would send him back to those early days after Rob’s death when mending his body had been the army’s main concern. Call him bitter, but the damage to his mind didn’t ever seem to have been as big a worry until his treating doctor’s deployment ended and he was replaced by another one who’d done part of her residency in the psych ward. She’d diagnosed Connor with PTSD and a few other things with complicated names when his nightmares bled into waking hours. Yeah, there was no way he was going back into a hospital unless he was dying. “I’ll go back to the car and stay there.”
Levi squeezed him tighter. “Yeah, okay. I’ll come and check on you.”
When Connor woke, he knew he’d slept for hours. The sun was low in the sky and the heat of the day had passed. He got out and stretched, needing to take a leak and get a drink. He was hazy, like he was seeing the world through cotton wool. The meds always did that to him. Looking around as he walked over to the exercise yard, he followed the breathing and exercises his therapist had given him. He counted out of order too, keeping his mind as occupied as he could. He didn’t want a repeat of that morning, but he was not going to let this beat him. He was going to function, and right at that moment, it meant going to find Levi.
When he saw his friend, he was soaked through and covered in mud jogging towards a collection of cameras. Connor guessed it was the finish line, but he wasn’t exactly the expert on how they filmed segments of the show.
