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chapter 15
Craig
What had I done?
I’d been uttering the same question over and over since I’d said goodbye to Sam. I’d left them. I’d walked away from the two people who meant the most to me. I’d acted like any sane bloke would. Or I’d thrown a temper tantrum fit for a five-year-old. I couldn’t decide which. Either way, going around in circles wasn’t helping convince me that my reaction had been proportionate to what had gone down.
I’d had forty-eight hours to simmer down. Jono’s taillights hadn’t even disappeared down the road when I was hot-footing it to Bob at the co-op. I’d walked in there in a huff and told him I was after a new job. He knew everyone; if there was any employment available, he’d know about it.
I hadn’t expected his ire when he asked me why I’d left. I hadn’t even thought about what it’d mean for Scottie if I revealed the secret he’d managed to keep for decades. But thinking before I acted wasn’t my style, was it? I’d just opened my big mouth and blurted it all out, then walked away, leaving everyone else to deal with the consequences of my actions. I was destined for the dole now and I hadn’t even given Scottie notice before nicking off. He was short-handed. Served him right. Why did he have to be gay? It was a shitty thing for him to throw at us.
But was it? Had he really done anything wrong? All I could think of was the look of disappointment on Ma’s and Nan’s faces when I’d spoken. It wasn’t directed at Scottie, but at me. They’d supported him. So had Ally and Sam, Den, Jono, Waru, and Yindi. Not one of them had reacted like me. They probably all thought it though. I was the only one brave enough to say anything.
I had to keep thinking like that. I couldn’t think about the emotions that crossed Sam’s face when he’d said goodbye. I couldn’t think about Ally’s shock. The horror and betrayal that had flitted over her features.
I’d destroyed the trust that the two most important people in my life had placed in me. I’d fractured friendships, probably beyond repair, all because Scottie was a fairy.
No. It was because of me. My prejudice. My small-mindedness. My lack of respect and understanding.
What had I done?
I tipped the schooner back and drained the rest of the beer I’d been nursing. I was alone now. I had to get used to that. Maybe it was for the best—at least Sam would now make a move on Ally without feeling guilty about leaving me out. The two of them could move on with their lives. And I’d still be alone.
Self-loathing was the order of the day apparently. And I had enough to feed an army. I turned the glass on its base, rolling it around and around, barely resisting the temptation to bash my head against the darkened wood of the bar top. I was a fucking moron.
Scottie was a poo—no. He was gay. I had to stop thinking like that—but so what? I still didn’t understand why it infuriated me so much. I thought back. I reached into my earliest memories looking for something that planted the seed of hatred. But there was nothing specific. Not until I turned fifteen.
Not until that summer.
That day when the dust motes floated aimlessly in the late afternoon haze, and I had my first kiss.
The empty glass landed with a thud on the counter, slipping from my fingers as everything became crystal clear.
Fuck me.
We’d been practicing. That was it. It was no big deal, but I’d taken all the vitriol, all the words of revulsion, the dirty looks and the hatred against those people to heart. Why? Just because I’d practiced with my mate. I hadn’t even enjoyed it. It was just a means to an end—the training we’d both needed.
I had nothing to be worried about, and now I knew why I’d been bent out of shape about it, I could let it go. Yeah, it was fine.
I needed to find some way to tell Scottie that I didn’t hold a grudge against him. It was no big deal that he liked blokes. I didn’t care.
At least I wasn’t like that. I liked women. I loved them. I loved Ally.
Oh fuck, what had I done? I’d left her.
I’d left Sam.
I sucked in a breath, fighting the pain of the vice crushing my chest. I might never see them again. I motioned to the bartender, asking for another beer. I was going to get maggoted. Drown every emotion bombarding me. It wasn’t like I had anywhere to be, or anyone to go home to.
The laugh cut through the noise in the bar and I stiffened. I knew instantly who it was. I’d heard it more often these last few weeks, but some over the twelve plus years I’d lived and worked at Pearce Station. It was Scottie.
My courage fled, but my limbs seemed to work on autopilot, taking me to their table. They sat with only the corner of the table separating them, drinks in hand. With smiles on their faces, they looked happy together, relaxing on a Thursday afternoon with a beer. Scottie looked younger than his years. The frown lines he wore had disappeared, replaced with crinkles around his eyes when he smiled. Macca met my gaze first and I saw him whisper something out of the corner of his mouth as I stepped closer to the table.
“Craig,” Scottie greeted me with a nod when I stood before him, his voice devoid of any emotion. The poker face he wore was world class—I had no idea whether he was getting ready to deck me or walk away.
“Mate, I need to apologize.” I cleared my throat when my nerves got the better of me. “Can I interrupt you?” Scottie raised an eyebrow, and all my fight seemed to disappear, draining out to leave me a husk of a man. Every inch of bravado I thought I possessed fled. Finally, Scottie motioned to one of the empty chairs and I slumped into it, barely able to hold myself up anymore.
“What brings on the change of heart?” He placed his beer bottle down on the coaster, lining it up so it was dead centre. If I didn’t know better, I’d say Scottie was nervous. But what would he possibly have been nervous about? It wasn’t as if he even needed to give me the time of day.
I opened my mouth to tell him I was fine with him being gay. That it was his decision and it didn’t matter to me. Instead, the words I thought I was too fucking chicken to admit spilled out. “I walked away from Ally and Sam. They’re my best friends, and I walked away because I was stupid. I broke us apart. It was a knee-jerk reaction. I was shocked and I didn’t think. When Sam chose to stay with Ally over leaving with me, I realized I’d made a mistake. My pride got in the way and—” I shrugged, trying to play off the overwhelming sense of loss I’d thrust on myself. My loneliness over these last couple of days had swamped me in a darkness that I wasn’t sure how to find my way out of. “—I had to follow through. Jono drove me here and for four hours didn’t say a single word. We had tea and he tried to talk some sense into me, but I wouldn’t listen.” I sucked in a breath and folded my hands together, stopping the shake in them. “When I said bye, he told me he was disappointed in me. I went to the co-op to let Bob know I needed work if anyone was looking. He asked me why I was leavin’, and I told him it’s because you’re gay.”
My heart thudded in my chest, shame drowning me. I was disappointed in myself too, but the thought of letting down Scottie and his family—the same ones who’d opened their hearts and their homes to Sam and me half a lifetime ago—weighed more on me than I cared to admit. Tears sprung to my eyes and I rubbed them, with the heel of my hands, stymieing their flow. But my verbal diarrhoea continued. “Saying it now sounds as ridiculous as it did when I told Bob, but the way he reacted… I don’t think I’ve seen anyone so disgusted, and I was ashamed of myself for acting exactly the same way. I didn’t ask if you were okay—you’d just been in a bloody fire for God’s sake. You’re good to us, Scottie. You’re a good bloke. You didn’t deserve the way I treated you. Nor you, Macca. So, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for outing you too. I should have thought about it, but I didn’t.”
Scottie sighed and closed his eyes. “I won’t stand for any disrespect, Craig. One snide comment, one smart-arse remark and you’re out. But I appreciate your apology. If you wanna come home, we’d be happy to have you back.”
I must have looked like one of those circus clowns, my mouth hanging open and my eyes wide. “Seriously? Because yeah, that’d be bonza.”
