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We walked to the big old tree, Sam with his hand on Craig’s shoulder as we trudged over. We fed and watered the horses, letting them rest while we ate an early lunch of sangas and tea. The silence between us was awkward and I hated it. I wanted to go back to how we were, but I didn’t even know if that “us” really existed, or if we were a figment created by deception. I didn’t think we’d find out either. Until we could hash it all out—come clean and own up to where the hurt was festering the worst—I didn’t see a way forward. And Sam just wasn’t ready.
I didn’t know if he would ever be.
He’d seen Craig’s reaction to Scottie and Macca, and now that Sam had him back, I doubted he’d ever do anything to rock the boat again. It wasn’t fair though—this love triangle we found ourselves in was sure to implode if we didn’t talk it out soon enough.
It’d all go to shit. Just like it had a few days earlier.
“I feel like there’s a lot of things that might’ve turned out differently if I hadn’t pissed off,” Craig said out of the blue. “I’m sorry I ballsed it up so badly.”
“You told us why you came back.” I played with the cotton on my cut-off shorts, unable to look at either of them when I raised the proverbial elephant in the room. “But you didn’t explain why you reacted the way you did to Scottie and Macca.”
Sam looked away, the set of his shoulders tense. Apprehension radiated off him. I knew he both wanted to know and didn’t. He feared Craig’s answer, and what it would mean for them. For him. Maybe I shouldn’t push. Maybe I should keep my mouth shut for Sam’s sake, but Scottie was my brother and I needed to know too.
“I don’t really know, to be honest.” He spoke slowly, and I could tell he was choosing his words carefully, concentration lines marring his forehead. “I wish I had a better answer, but honestly, I just don’t know.” He shook his head. “All I know is that I should have thought about things before I spouted off. It wasn’t fair to anyone and I hurt both of you.”
Sam stood up abruptly, wiping his hands on his jeans. He adjusted his hat and gathered up the containers of food. It was busy work, completely unnecessary but it clearly gave him an excuse to walk away. To get some distance between himself and Craig. This was Sam running. “Should we start heading back? Don’t want to be out too late.” Even if it took us twice as long to get back as it did to arrive, we’d still return well before sundown. But I didn’t argue, and I didn’t want to push things any further. Not when we were teetering on the edge.
Beginning the long journey back, we rode in silence, each one of us lost in our thoughts. Once upon a time, I’d hoped for an outing like this so I could spend a few hours alone with them. I’d wanted to know what it was like to be with them. Dreamed about them wanting me. Things were much simpler when I’d thought they were together. Having them had been a pipe dream, one that was never to be fulfilled. Back then, running away to Sydney had seemed like a good idea. Not anymore though. Everything had changed. But at the same time, nothing had.
Instead of being stuck in a rut, I was stuck not knowing how to move us forward. Could we ever push through the mistrust between us? Could we ever hope to work things out? The only way I could see it is if we were honest with each other. Except that we were falling into old habits again and telling partial truths.
I wasn’t sure if I could ever trust them again, especially when I knew Sam wasn’t being entirely honest—if he was lying about his feelings for Craig, what else could he lie about? And what if Craig just upped and left again? He hadn’t given us a reason why he’d walked away, never mind a good one. I’d been quick to forgive in the past, but this time those things were adding up and the warning bells were sounding. Klaxons wailing so loudly my ears were ringing. Fear crawled up my throat, paralysing me from moving forward. From forgiving them.
But mostly my reluctance was because I couldn’t help but think Sam would wake up one day and hate himself for never telling Craig. Or would Craig find out and piss off out of here? Sam didn’t ever plan on telling him. He was prepared to live the rest of his life loving Craig from afar. How was that possibly the way to live? I wanted him to come out, to be honest about his feelings. But I’d seen with my own eyes what Craig thought of Scottie, a man he’d respected for over a decade. I completely understood Sam’s reluctance, but surely hiding wasn’t the answer either. He was still living a lie. It wasn’t fair to either of them.
It was either one or the other though—tell him or don’t. There was no in-between. No medium ground that would make all of us happy, and after a decade of waiting for them, where did that leave me? We were so close to making a relationship work, but at the same time, we were teetering on the edge. I didn’t want to choose between them, and Sam shouldn’t have to either. But Craig’s choice was important too, and the chances of him wanting to go there were Buckleys and none.
It was late afternoon by the time we’d finished with the horses, and my mind was spinning in circles. I walked through the door and Ma called out, “Did you get the sheets on?”
“What sheets?” I asked.
“Sorry, love. Thought you were your nan.” She stuck her head out of the kitchen, a tea towel in her hands
“What’s Nan doing changing sheets? Why is she changing sheets?”
“Pete’s friend is coming to stay. He called in a flap and Pete was worried. Apparently, it’s unlike him. By the sounds of it, something drastic happened at his work. Scottie invited him to come up and stay. Don’t know how long he’ll be here for, but looks like he’ll arrive tomorrow arvo. So, we’re getting the guesthouse ready.”
“Lemme freshen up and I’ll go takeover for Nan.” I dashed upstairs, cleaned up and jogged over to the guesthouse, where Nan was still struggling to get the sheets on the bed. Looking at her since she’d fallen sick over the winter still scared me. She’d lost so much weight and hadn’t yet fully recovered. Even a couple of months on, she often needed a nap during the day.
“Hey, Nan.” I went straight to the bed, taking over from her.
“Ta, love. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to make it, but your ma’s got enough on her plate with me not being able to do much these days.”
“She doesn’t mind, and neither do I.” I took the cleaning cloth off her that she’d picked up and motioned for the chair. “I can do the rest. Take a load off.”
Nan eased herself into the small armchair in the bedroom and sighed. “This old body….”
“You’ve had a rough year. Look how long it took for Scottie to feel like himself again after he got sick.”
“Yeah, I’ll happily put this year behind us.” She huffed and shook her head. I knew exactly what she meant.
“Me too.” I sighed and sprayed the dresser down, wiping its surface with disinfectant. Straightening the antique silver hairbrush and mirror set, I lined them up on the white doily. It was my great grandmother’s. Maybe even her mother’s.
“Want to talk about it?” Nan held out her hand, motioning for the brush I’d just been holding. After passing it to her, I sat on the floor, my back to her front.
“I don’t really know.” She began brushing my hair, moving slowly as she gently untangled the knots from it.
“I remember doing this when you were a little girl. I asked you once what you wanted to be when you grew up. Do you remember what you told me?”
