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I huffed. “Yeah. Between astronaut and princess, I think I wanted to be a station owner like you and Ma.”
“And look at you.” The pride in Nan’s voice was obvious. I looked over my shoulder, facing her.
“Are you proud of me, Nan? I wonder whether I’ve done… enough.” I shrugged, unsure of myself. I’d been doing a lot of second guessing of myself lately.
“I was proud of you from the moment you were born, Allyra, and I will be proud of you until the day I die and beyond. You could never do anything that would change that.”
Could I tell her? Did I dare risk my family turning away from me because of what I’d done? But no, they weren’t like that. Scottie had the same fear, and Ma and Nan were nothing but supportive of him when he came out. Would Nan be there for me too if I confided my secret to her? I needed someone to talk to—the two people who’d always been there for me were, as much as myself, the cause of all this mess. “What about if I’ve fallen in love with two men?” I hung my head, uncertain but hoping her reaction wouldn’t be too negative.
“Oh, love. Are you just realizing this?” Nan rested her free hand on my shoulder.
“No.” I shook my head, biting down on my lip.
“Good, because anyone with eyes can see that the three of you are meant for each other.” She patted my shoulder and continued, “They love you and it’s obvious you love them too.” My breath hitched and I clasped my hand over my mouth, willing myself not to shatter and turn into a sobbing mess. Nan didn’t push me, and she didn’t stop brushing my hair either. “You know, the thing I’m most proud of your mother for is her resilience. She is tough.” She sighed. “I wish she didn’t have to be all the time, but that’s not our life.
“When your pops warned her about marrying your dad, she stood up to him. She said it was her life. I can remember it like it was yesterday.” I could hear the smile in her voice at the memory. “She stood up to him. Told him that he may be a more experienced stockman than her and she’d always respect his decisions on station matters, but he didn’t know her heart. She had no compunction in telling him that his, or anyone else’s, opinion was wrong. She never hesitated. Once she made her mind up about something, that was it. She married your dad regardless of what everyone thought about falling in love with a city boy, then she did the same with running this station.” Nan squeezed my shoulder gently. “You have that same quality. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“That I should start listening to people, so I don’t end up divorced?” I answered, my sarcasm obvious.
“Hush,” she chastised with a laugh. “You know your heart just like your ma did. They weren’t meant to be together forever, but if she hadn’t stood up to your pops, she wouldn’t have either you or Scottie. I can tell you now if your ma could go back to that day knowing what she knows now and remake those choices, she would choose to have the two of you every single time. If you love those boys, then screw what anyone tells you. Choose them, love. Choose your happiness.”
“I don’t know if I can forgive them.” The admission tasted like acid on my tongue. “Or maybe I can forgive Sam, but now I’m scared Craig’s going to leave again. I don’t know. My head is all messed up.”
“He screwed up.”
“He did.” I nodded. “Epically. Especially after what he and Sam pulled.”
“What did they do?” Nan paused, brushing my hair for a moment, her voice lowering in accusation.
“When they first came to work here, they agreed that neither one of them would make a move on me, so they wouldn’t hurt each other. They hurt me instead. They took away my chance to decide what I wanted with them. I never even had a say in my own life.”
“Hmmm.”
“And then Craig ups and nicks off. He didn’t even say bye to me. I shouldn’t be dirty, but I am. It’s stupid, I know.” I shook my head but before I could continue, Nan spoke.
“It’s not stupid, love. The three of you have been inseparable for over a decade and suddenly he decided that he was so disgusted by what Scottie and Macca do in private that he was prepared to toss that friendship away. I don’t blame you for being upset with him, especially because he ignored you in the whole process.”
“He didn’t even tell me why he left. Told me he didn’t know. What kind of answer is that?” I huffed, frustration boiling over.
Nan ran the brush down my hair, the bristles slipping through the strands unimpeded now. “Maybe he’s just not ready to tell you, or perhaps to admit it to himself.”
I nodded. “Maybe. Even if I can get over this, Sam told me something else that changes everything and I have no clue what to do.”
“Did they ever intentionally set out to hurt you?”
“No.” I shook my head. “No, I don’t believe they could ever do that.”
“And this thing that Sam told you, does it change the way he feels about you? Or the way you feel about him?”
“No, but it does change things between us.” I pulled away and turned to face Nan and sighed. “It’s not my story to tell, Nan, and I can’t tell it because if I do, I could destroy everything, but if I don’t, I’m doing the exact same thing that they did to me.”
Nan shook her head. “They need to talk to each other. Sam’s going regret it for the rest of his life if he doesn’t tell that boy he loves him, and Craig could miss out on the most wonderful thing if he can’t get his head out of his arse. That’s what this is, isn’t it?”
I nodded, wide-eyed, and Nan smiled. “I didn’t see it with your brother, and it kills me that I missed how miserable he was because he was hiding. But I see it with those two. Have done since day one. They love each other. Craig just doesn’t realize it.”
“So what do I do? Do I push Sam to tell Craig? Do I pretend I don’t know anything? If Craig finds out that I know, he’s going to feel exactly like I did. Like I do. I mean, I don’t even know if I should forgive Craig for walking away from us. What’s to say he won’t do it again if he finds out that Sam loves him?”
She cupped my cheeks in her weathered hands. “You can’t change your history with those boys, love. You can’t undo the hurt. But you don’t have to live in the past either. Remember I told you, you’d know when the time is right? Well, now is your chance to choose to start fresh from where you are today. It’s not a matter of forgetting the past, but you can put it aside and move on. You can change your future. You can be brave and go for what your heart wants.”
