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chapter 18
Ally
I was quiet through dinner, unsure of what to say or how to react to them. I could see the looks Craig and Sam were sharing between them. The uncertainty reverberating through the air. Nan’s words tumbled over and over in my mind, and I kept returning to the idea that my future would always be the same unless I changed it.
Nan was right. No matter how long I focussed on the past, I’d still never be able to undo what happened. They’d never intended to hurt me. If I didn’t let it go, I’d be in this same spot in another ten years wondering why I hadn’t done something to divert the course of my future.
After tea, sitting there at the foot of my bed wearing my comfiest PJs, picking at another loose thread on the worn hem, I made up my mind. I had to speak to them. I had to tell them that we just needed to put all the bullshit behind us. I’d had enough waiting and enough debating. I was done with thinking.
Now I wanted to act. To feel. I wanted their touch.
I wanted them.
Regardless of what happened between Sam and Craig, I needed to act for me. It was Sam’s decision to come out to him, and I’d be there for him if he did. It was the only way we could do this. Sam wouldn’t come out on his own, not because he wasn’t brave enough, but because Sam didn’t see the two of them together any more than he saw a relationship between just the two of us. It was why we’d waited all these years to do something. I couldn’t imagine choosing. Neither would they. It was all of us, or none. We were three.
Fuck waiting.
I was done with that.
I rushed out of my bedroom and Nan called out, “That’s my girl.” It stopped me short and I smiled, grateful that my family didn’t even blink an eye at the idea of me wanting two men. Jogging, I descended the stairs and caught the door before it banged shut. I shoved my feet into my boots and ran to them.
I wasn’t waiting another moment.
My knock on the door shattered the quiet of the night, the three raps of my knuckles on the timber reverberating around me. Craig swung it open, standing before me in a pair of low-riding sleep shorts. He looked around bleary-eyed and shook off his sleep. “What’s wrong?” There was a hint of urgency in his voice. Rubbing his eyes, he blinked in the lights that had activated when I’d run past. The crease on his face from his pillow remained.
“I need to come in.” Pushing past him, I headed straight for their bedroom, stopping short as I saw their beds for the first time—the two singles were pushed apart with a small bedside table between them. Shaking my head, I moved over to Sam’s bed and sat down.
“Ally, what’s wrong?” He sat up, the sheets pooling at his waist. Sam wasn’t wearing a shirt either and being close enough to reach out for him had me clasping my hands together, resisting the temptation of that lean chest and his long muscles.
“We need to talk.” I waited for Craig to sit opposite me before I continued. “I’m done waiting. I want to be together.”
“Huh?” Craig scratched his chest and yawned.
“I want to have sex. With both of you. Now. I wanna start now.”
Craig’s head snapped up, instantly awake and the furrow in Sam’s brow had disappeared as the emotions flitted across his face—first shock, then surprise. He opened his mouth, but no words came out, and I laughed self-consciously. I hadn’t considered that they might change their minds. Craig tilted his head assessing me and I rubbed my neck, not enjoying the scrutiny.
Sam spoke first. “Um, Ally? Are you serious?”
“As a heart attack.” I looked between them and waited, wishing they’d realize I knew what I wanted. The dim light being cast by the moon shone through the window, highlighting their faces in both shadow and light. But neither of them moved. They didn’t speak. I’d waited too long. They didn’t want this. I went to stand, getting halfway up off the bed when Sam stumbled forward, lunging out of bed and Craig jumped up. “It’s okay—"
They crashed into each other, the thunk of their heads knocking together drowning out the rustle of their clothes and the bedsheets. Grunts of pain and curses muttered under their breath sounded as Sam’s momentum sent them crashing to the floor. Another oomph and a hiss and Sam was on his feet.
“Sorry, man. You okay?” Holding out his hand, he helped Craig up.
“Yeah, mate.” Craig rubbed his forehead, gingerly touching the lump already forming. “Ow, fuck.” Sam gently gripped his chin, turning his face into the moonlight.
“You’ll be right. You didn’t split the skin.”
Craig sat back down on his bed and Sam reached for the lamp, turning it on before pulling me down again and taking my hand. I looked around, not able to meet their gazes. The walls were the same cream that we’d painted them twelve years earlier in anticipation of their arrival. An old Lethal Weapon poster was tacked to the wall, slightly out of square. It was the only change they’d made—the same curtains were still hanging, even the original plastic laundry basket stood in the corner.
“It looks like a bloody dorm room in here,” I remarked, self-consciously. Crossing my arms over my body, I noticed for the first time how ratty my PJs looked. They were as old as the hills, one knee almost worn through, and the other torn. The spaghetti strapped singlet had seen better days too, with holes along the hemline where I’d been pulling apart the seam. But they were the most comfortable ones I had, and I needed comfort far more often than I needed sexy. I’d been stuck in a funk for so long that my care factor had been hovering at zero fucks. Until tonight. I definitely wasn’t going to win awards for style or sex appeal.
Sam leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. “So you want to sleep with us? You’re ready to take this further?”
My hands shook and my nerves ratcheted up. This was what I wanted. Why was it so hard to talk about it? Aside from my less than stellar pickup line asking for sex, my tongue was tied, and my face was hot. Embarrassment warred with my bluntness and for the first time in my life, I knew what real inner conflict meant. Not the “will I or won’t I” kind, but the one where I knew I should be strong and able to say what I wanted and yet, feeling the pressure to conform to what I’d seen them expect in a woman. Or maybe it was what I’d imagined that they expected. I had no real idea what they’d want, and that frightened me more than anything.
Taking a deep breath, I gathered up my courage and looked at them. “Yes, but I… I’m not getting passed between beds and the three of us aren’t going to fit in one.”
