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“Have I screwed up badly? I just assumed,” Phoenix said, shaking his head and trying to make sense of what he’d seen and heard from Craig with the wary way Pete and Scottie were talking about him.
“Craig was a bit of a homophobic arse when Scottie came out. He packed his gear and left,” Pete explained. Phoenix nodded. That’s what Craig had said.
“Yeah, but then he came home, right?”
“Yeah. But they’ve always just been friends.”
Craig had said they were new. Had their relationship only started since he’d arrived back at the station? Maybe his relationship with Ally, but even that didn’t sound right. The three of them were too in tune. Too aware of one another. They interacted so naturally. It was as if the three of them anticipated one another’s moves, like they’d been together for a millennium. Or had they just been orbiting one another, never touching?
He just hoped that he hadn’t put his foot in it. That he hadn’t inadvertently crossed some line that made Craig lose his shit and leave again. How offended would he be if Phoenix had made a wrong assumption? He wanted to say that they were all adults, and it would just get brushed over, but Phoenix had seen how fragile some men’s masculinity was.
Pete looked to Scottie, an unspoken concern marring the V in his brows. “Do you need to say something?”
“Yeah. I’ll go have a chat with them.” Scottie smiled tentatively. Phoenix supposed he was trying to reassure him, but Scottie’s smile looked more like a grimace. He strode in the same direction that Craig had taken off in, leaving him and Pete alone.
“Craig said that they were together,” Phoenix explained, begging him to understand he hadn’t meant to say the wrong thing.
“He did?”
“Yeah. He said that it was new, and they were still working things out.”
Pete huffed out a breath and shook his head. “Bloody hell, I don’t envy Ally. Figuring out a relationship where there was no chance of the two blokes touching each other—no matter how innocent—would be like navigating a minefield. Craig’s… Yeah.” He shook his head again.
Pete couldn’t see it. Phoenix huffed out a laugh, surprised that his normally observant friend was so blind. Were they seeing the same two people? Craig looked at Sam like he’d hung the moon, not like he’d blow up if they accidentally touched. Maybe only Phoenix could see it—maybe the longing was something that only he could see because he’d experienced the same feeling for years. Burying the desire for the one thing—or in his and Craig’s cases, the two people—they wanted left an ache inside. But Phoenix could see the longing between the three of them as clear as day. It ran as deep as the oceans and was as expansive as the universe. “Craig’s the blond one, right?” he asked, making sure he hadn’t accidentally mistaken him for Sam, the man Pete had described as much more sensitive. “In that case, I think he might surprise you one day.”
The look Pete shot at him—like he’d grown two heads—had Phoenix barking out a laugh while Pete grumbled, “Doubt it.”
*****
A day later and every muscle ached. The younger crew—Scottie, Pete, Ally, Craig, Sam, Den, and himself—were building a watering hole of some sort, aimed at looking after the native wildlife rather than the cattle. Scottie wanted to rehabilitate the land, and the drought that the station, and most of Australia, was caught up in was brutal. Phoenix had seen images of cracks in the ground but had never really associated it with anything other than mud drying out after the rains. Deep cracks were always something that happened on the ice caps when a chunk fell off. Seeing the deep angry scars marring the land in far too many places was shocking. He took so much for granted living in the city. The water restrictions imposed on them in Sydney meant no washing their cars except on grass, rather than native animals dying of thirst.
The eye-opening experience was exactly what Phoenix had needed. Despite every muscle in his body aching, he was enjoying himself. Finding himself again.
He could think. Breathe. Shake off the pressure of work and the fallout that he was going to have to face by running away.
Even though he was halfway around the country and felt untouchable this far away from the city, his thoughts had constantly ping-ponged back to the dismal reality waiting for him. Naturally, his boss had been notified of his actions in the mediation. He was expecting the call, but Phoenix still didn’t know how upset he was. He couldn’t bring himself to check his messages. When the call came through, his boss’s name flashing on the screen, Phoenix’s hands had begun to shake, and his breathing sawed in and out of his lungs so fast that he’d become lightheaded. Dizziness descended, and with the white spots in his vision, panic had surged through his veins. He was paralysed. Unable to answer the phone.
He was still sitting there trying to calm himself down fifteen minutes later when Nan had knocked on his door to let him know coffee and scones were being served up at the house if he wanted to join them. She’d sat with him, holding his hands while he freaked himself out about what the message would be when the text came through.
Nan had checked it for him, reading the message and responding on his behalf when Phoenix couldn’t stop his hands shaking long enough to type it out. Then, in the way Phoenix was learning was so typically her, she ordered him up and out before he could rethink himself. Within minutes, he was surrounded by family, a plate full of scones, jam, and cream in front of him. They were all gathered there, eating and laughing at Jono’s retelling of how Scottie had terrorised his sister with stories of crocs inhabiting the billabong. They were too far southwest for them, the desert too dry for the water-dependent reptiles, but to a child, that fact had been lost in the panic. Ally eventually got her payback, though, when she’d spotted a perentie sunning itself on the rocks nearby, and she’d startled it, forcing it into the water where Scottie had been swimming. He’d caught the tail end of it slipping into the water and had moved like Roadrunner to get out of the water before he could get eaten.
Ally had high-fived Ma while Sam and Craig eyed each other over Ally’s head, Phoenix noticing that flash of longing they shot each other. But this time, Phoenix could see the difference, the heat, that flashed between them.
That’s when Scottie had cleared his throat and redirected the conversation to their plans for that day. Thankfully, they’d finished the physical work and were relaxing around the fire, toasting marshmallows. Phoenix passed one to Sam, who asked, “How long do you think you’ll stay?”
Phoenix looked up at the night sky, a million stars lighting up the blanket of darkness floating above them. He’d never get sick of seeing it, but he wouldn’t get to see it for much longer. His time at the station was limited. “Got a message from my supervising partner demanding that I be back before the end of the week.” He poked the fire with the stick he’d just toasted a marshmallow on and watched it catch fire, burning slowly.
“As in the day after tomorrow?”
Phoenix nodded, sadness enveloping him. He needed more time. He wasn’t ready to go back yet. He wasn’t strong enough. Like panes of glass balanced precariously on top of each other, he was wobbling. Teetering on the edge. One gust of wind and he knew he’d topple over. The resulting crash, he feared, would be catastrophic. But what choice did he have? He sighed. None and fuck all. “I’ll be leaving when we get back. If I get a move on tomorrow, I’ll be back in Sydney early enough to stop in at the office before my boss heads off for the day.”
It was as if Ally reached into his soul and plucked the one shred of hope he’d been subconsciously clutching onto. She cleared her throat and spoke quietly, saying, “You know, you could always walk away. Make an alternative future for yourself. Maybe you left because you needed to see your truth reflected back at you before you could see your path.”
Phoenix shook his head. “Yeah, don’t know about that alternative path option for me. This is the only real way for me to get to the top.” But the words tasted bitter on his tongue. A future that he no longer recognized as one he wanted—or could even have without sacrificing so much of himself that he feared he’d have nothing left—stared back at him. Did he really want that anymore? Was it his destiny? Had it ever been if all he’d done since graduating was fight to keep his face above water? The questions swirled in his mind in an unending loop.
He guessed he’d never know if he didn’t go back and try.
*****
