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Chapter Ten
Phoenix
I can feel someone sitting on my bed. If I pretend I’m asleep, maybe whoever it is will leave me alone. All the adults are downstairs drinking and having their weekly game night. I hate these nights.
I can smell the liquor on him, stronger tonight than usual. The last time my parents had a game night, they drank until they passed out. He always comes for me when the house is still and quiet. He hurts me, and each time he seems angrier. I wonder if I stopped crying, maybe he wouldn’t be so rough with me.
I can’t tell anyone. If I do, he’ll hurt my parents or Logan. I can’t allow him to hurt Logan; he’s my best friend, and I’d do anything for him. I think I like him as more than a friend, and I don’t want him to go through what I’m going through.
I need to tell someone, but what if they don’t believe me? What if Logan looks at me differently when he finds out? All the adults, including Mom and Dad, love Kyle. They think he’s a good guy, even I used to think so. He’s not though, he’s evil, and he hurts me.
The bed shifts, and I can feel a hand push its way under the blanket. NO, NO, NO, not tonight, please don’t touch me. I want to yell so that the adults hear me. Instead, I’m frozen in fear, my breathing shallow, as my chest tightens, knowing what’s to come. My body stiffens as his hand starts to guide up my leg, tightening around my thigh, yanking me down the bed.
“STOP! DON’T TOUCH ME,” I scream out into the dark room, bolting upright in my bed. I’m covered in sweat and shaking. Scared out of my mind, I lean over and turn on my bedside table light.
I haven’t had a nightmare about that night in nearly three years. Trying to slow my breathing and bring my heart rate down, I take in long, slow breaths through my nose, exhaling slowly to gain control. It’s five-thirty in the morning. I start school today at St James.
Knowing I’m not going to get back to sleep, I get up out of bed and make my way to the bathroom. I need to shower this feeling off me. Ever since Logan barged in last night, I’ve not felt so safe here. When I asked Max to put the lock on my door, he looked at me funny but did not question me. Kayla and Max both know how important it is for me to feel safe and in control of my surroundings. If having a lock on my door is going to provide that for me, then so be it.
After my shower, I set about getting ready for school, it may be early, but I want to try and avoid Logan as much as possible. I don’t know what he has in store for me, but judging by the way Stryker warned me last night, I think I should lay low and stay away from him as much as possible. It still has me wondering why Stryker would warn me to stay away.
I try to put the boys out of mind as I pull on my school uniform, which isn’t that much different from the one I wore at my old school, a blue and yellow plaid skirt with a light blue shirt and white socks. I’ll pair them up with my Mary Janes.
I think it would be safe to keep my hair up today; I don’t trust Logan not to try doing something physical again. So, I gather up my long dirty blonde hair locks and tie it into a messy bun. I’m not one for wearing a lot of makeup offstage, so I apply a light foundation and go for a little mascara and baby pink lip gloss.
Checking the time again, I realize it’s only taken me an hour to get ready. Not sure if there is anyone else up, I decide to take out my journal and write about my dream. I hate that they have started up again, and I hate that I’m on my own now, and Mom won’t be coming into my room and checking on me like always. Guess I’m going to have to find a new therapist, especially if this is the new normal. I don’t need to take steps back.
Once finished, I head downstairs to grab something to eat. As I approach the kitchen, my stomach growls from the delicious assault on my senses wafting out.
“Morning, Kayla,” I say while offering a shy smile. “It smells awesome in here.”
“Morning, sweetie,” looking up from the pan where she is cooking pancakes. “Thought I would send you off on your first day with a full stomach. Is everything okay? We heard you scream this morning.”
“Oh … umm … yeah. Everything is fine … just a bad dream. I think the stress from Mom passing away and the move is all just catching up with me,” shifting from one foot to another, I laugh nervously, trying to deflect.
I have no idea why I haven’t told them what happened last night. If I really think about it, it’s probably because I don’t want to get Logan into trouble. I still think of him as the boy I thought held up the stars. I want to ask them to tell Logan what really happened all those years ago with Kyle, hoping if he knew, he wouldn’t be so angry. I just don’t know how to broach the subject with them.
“Well, if you need to talk about it, I want you to know that I’m here for you, okay?” Patting my hand lightly, she continues with a genuine smile. “I know it can’t be easy on you, what with losing your mom. I miss her too. But I want to let you know that Max and I want you to consider this your home. You’re welcome to stay here as long as you want, even after you turn eighteen. We feel a bit responsible for what happened to you, and I think we all need this to be able to heal and move on.”
Still shifting from one foot to the other, I pick the invisible lint off my skirt. This is starting to become uncomfortable with where the conversation is going. I need to change the subject.
“Ahh ... yeah ... I’ll keep that in mind and let you know how I’m feeling later if that’s okay.” I hate how uneasy I feel when we talk about this. I really thought I was getting past all of it. “How long till breakfast is ready?”
She must sense the nerves that come when talking about Kyle and lets the subject slide without question. I mean, if she can read me so easily, how can she not see that her own son has some serious issues? “It should be ready in about five minutes. There’s coffee in the pot if you like that. Otherwise, tea is in the cupboard, and the juice is in the fridge. She turns back to the stove to finish breakfast.
Grabbing a mug, and pouring myself a cup of coffee, I take a seat at the breakfast bar, noting Logan hasn’t come down yet. It’s only seven-thirty in the morning, and we don’t start school for another hour, so I guess it’s no big deal.
On my trip to the hardware store last night, Jonah said he would drive me to school. I told him about the run-in with Logan, and he was pissed off. I had to convince him that I was going to be safe with a lock on my door, but I don’t think he was so sure. He only agreed to let me go back into the house when I accepted his offer to drive me to school.
Without Angel, he was the closest thing I had to a best friend. He reminded me of her a little; they share the same protective nature. He was someone I could also see myself dating. It would be an easy transition to go from friend to boyfriend, and it didn’t hurt that he knows I have issues I need to get past.
Glancing over at the clock, I realized there are only twenty minutes before he arrives. He wants us to be early today to meet some of the other dancers from the studio. I didn’t mind arriving early. It’s actually a relief having him to show me around the school, introduce me to a few new people, and ease those first day jitters in the pits of my stomach.
“I thought that maybe you and Logan could ride to school together, seeing as you’re both going to the same place,” Kayla says with a little bit of enthusiasm. Just thinking about her suggestion makes me shudder. “It would be good for the two of you to get to know each other again. You were always so close.”
“Yeah ... I think I am gonna have to pass on that. Sorry,” shaking my head at her. I hate that I’m keeping secrets from her, but I don’t want her to intervene. Logan and I need to sort this out ourselves, and before we do that, I need to know exactly what he knows about that night. “I don’t think that’s going to work out too good. I know you don’t believe me, but I don’t think he’s all that happy to have me here. Besides, Jonah is picking me up in twenty. He wants to introduce me to some of the other dancers from the studio.”
Giving me that questioning look only a mother can, she places the food in front of me. “Oh, that’s nice of him, honey. I need to ask you to give Logan time. He doesn’t know the details about Kyle’s death, we kept it from him. Max and I felt that he needed to be protected from what his cousin did to you. They were so close.”
At the mention of Kyle, I immediately push the food away. Not feeling so hungry anymore. I get up and head for the door, but before exiting the kitchen, I turn to Kayla. I am so angry right now.
“Kayla, I know you mean well, but I never want to hear that name again.” My stomach boils with the frustration I’ve been swallowing down since the moment I got here. “He’s not a child anymore, and you may want to protect him, but you’re hurting us both by keeping what that bastard did a secret,” I could feel the vibrations as I slam the front door shut.
I don’t mean to sound like I’m ungrateful, but I’m certainly not going to be playing nice with someone that is clearly a little unhinged, nor will I go easy on them when they lay hands on me. It’s not my fault that they kept this from him, and I won’t be made to feel bad about it. Screw that shit, I’m sorry, but that just doesn’t pass the pub test.
