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Chapter Sixteen
Phoenix
The first thing I notice when I get home is Logan and his friends in the living room playing video games, and it appears they’ve been drinking. Immediately I feel on edge. A sober Logan was dangerous to my health, so having a drunk Logan in the house wasn’t going to go well.
Quietly, I sneak by the living room and make my way up the stairs to my room. As I round the corner, I notice my door is slightly ajar. I was so sure I closed it this morning.
I swing the door open cautiously, but nothing looks out of place. I notice the pile of clean clothes on the edge of my bed, and I can breathe again. Kayla must have forgotten to close it properly when she was doing laundry.
I shut the door behind me and flick the lock. Heading to the wardrobe, I take out some clean leggings and my favorite baggy jumper and head for a shower. As the water cascades down my back, I start to think about the events of the last few weeks. More specifically, about what I was feeling toward Logan and his friends.
Caden and Ricky are easy to analyze because I don’t have much interaction with them. They’re both sheep, following their leader blindly. They don’t stand out or think for themselves the way Stryker does. But I’ve learned a hard lesson about underestimating the quiet ones, and I won’t turn my back on them long enough to find out what they might be capable of.
I wish I knew how to be anything but leery with all of these new people in my life. When Logan pushed me against the lockers, my heart stopped. I wanted to be so mad at him, but I didn’t really want him to let go either. I had to force my knee up to stop myself from giving in.
Then Stryker wrapped me up in his arms and pulled me away, and I don’t know what came over me. When he chuckled into my ear and told me to calm down, I melted into him. How can it feel so right when they have their hands on me, but when I try to let them in emotionally, I can’t?
My heart and my brain were at war, one is yelling at me to trust them, but the other is screaming to run the other way. It’s the warring emotions that have me so conflicted. Logan is difficult for me. I longed for the boy he was, the one that was my best friend, the boy who had always been there for me.
It’s hard to remember who he was when I could hardly recognize the man he was becoming. I wonder what happened to him during the years we were apart. It made me angry. All this may have been avoided if only his parents were honest with him instead of their misguided attempts to shield him from Kyle’s evil.
He’s no longer that person, he’s fueled with hate and resentment, and I’m desperate to bring back who he was, even if in a small part. It hurt my heart and soul to know that this was him now. His kiss sent butterflies to the very core of me, igniting feelings I wasn’t sure I would ever feel.
I keep reliving the sensation of having his demanding lips on mine, exploding like a kaleidoscope of technicolor. It had me warring with myself. How could I feel like this about someone that laid their hands on me the way he did? Was something inside me broken?
The fact that I’m feeling anything like this toward three different people had me confused. It’s like I was living inside one of my books. I thought about what my counselor said, how important it would be for me to feel in control of my relationships. I just don’t think she actually meant for me to pursue more than one at a time.
I think about the way Jonah holds me when we dance, the way Logan’s kiss tore my heart out, and the way Stryker’s strong arms and startling gray eyes have my walls crumbling.
I’m not going to lie, thinking about how it would feel to be with all of them, it’s kind of exciting. I don’t want to know if these emotions are built from the trauma I’ve been through. I don’t care why; I just know in my heart, I couldn’t lose a single one of these wild boys, even the one trying to ruin my life.
I worry about being labeled a slut if I like too many boys, but as it is, Taylah and her girls call me that anyway. Ms. Carter told me that my normal could be different, and ever since, I can’t stop thinking about the different dynamics each of these boys would bring to a relationship.
I have to stop my racing mind from picturing what each one of them would be like behind closed doors. One stolen kiss, no matter how delicious it was, probably doesn’t mean anything to a guy like Logan. I need to call Angel. I think I’m out of my league on this one.
As I turn the shower off and step into the chilly bathroom, I decide to call her now, before my thoughts get too jumbled. I send her a text after getting dressed, and within seconds, my phone is ringing.
“Hey, chicka, what’s happening?” her voice floated across the line.
“Not much, I needed someone to talk to. I am so confused,” frustration leaked through my voice. I couldn’t help it. The way I was feeling would be confusing to anyone. “I think I’m in trouble, Ange, and I don’t know what to do about it.”
“Why? What happened?” I hated how worried she was. The distance is hard enough for both of us. For the last four years, we’ve been inseparable, and now we were worlds apart.
“I think I’m falling for them. Well, not all of them, but I shouldn’t be falling for any of them. They’re not all nice boys, but I just want them so bad ... when Logan kissed me—”
“Woah, girl, back it up. Logan KISSED you? When? Why am I just finding this out NOW? And ... wait ... did you say them? As in, more than one guy?”
I didn’t realize how much happened since the last time I’d called Angel. She’s silent on the line as I go all the way back to day one, filling her in on every detail.
She softly sighs when I’m finished with my story. “Phe, I don’t know what to say to help. If it were me, I would probably steer clear of Logan and his friend and just go for Jonah. But I kind of understand where you’re coming from. You’ve been so closed off to the idea of love and letting someone in for so long that when you decide to give it a chance, you want to really give it a go.”
“Yeah, I get what you’re saying, and that’s what scares me,” I say quietly, trying to put into words what I am thinking. “I know this isn’t some J. Bree novel, I just don’t know what to do, Angel. I hate feeling like this.”
“I honestly don’t know, babes, but I do know that it’s something you need to think over carefully. I don’t think you should make any decisions just yet. Logan doesn’t know about what happened. He’s going off what he was told, and that’s dangerous. What’s going to happen when he actually discovers the truth Phe?” She asks the one question that’s been plaguing me since day one. I’m still not sure what lies he’s been fed. “How do you think he’s going to handle it all when he finds out the truth?”
“I don’t know, girl, I really don’t know. In order for him to realize that he has it all wrong, he’d actually have to talk to me rather than act like King Douche.” I don’t know if I’m ready to deal with the fallout that would come with letting him in.
I know what it feels like to be broken, and I don’t want that for him. “I’m scared. I don’t want to relive it, and I don’t want to have to go through rebuilding myself again. It’s taken four years to get to where I am now, and I had a great support network then. I’m here all alone now. I know that you’re still here for me, but it’s not the same.”
“I know Phe, but you do have friends there, and I know they would be there for you, but I get what you’re saying. I really do. I wish I could offer some helpful advice for you, but all I can say is, I’m here anytime you want to talk, babe.” Reassuring me is something she’s always been good at. “Just be careful with whatever you decide to do. I don’t think the road ahead is going to get easier anytime soon. Make sure you keep your head about you, okay? You need to give yourself the chance to open your heart, just like we talked about.”
We talk for a little while longer, and she fills me in with what’s been happening back home before we say our goodbyes. I miss my old life. If I were home right now, I’d be preparing for my HSC with the rest of my friends, but I’m not. I’m here restarting my final year of high school.
I miss my mom and my dad. I miss my best friend. As a tear falls down my cheek, I pull out my diary and start to write how I’m feeling. I always find that writing helps, even if it’s just to purge my mind in that moment.
