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“Depends on how you define okay, I guess.” Shrugging my shoulders, I mimicked her stance. “I never want to see that look on her face again. She remembers everything. I need to make this right, Paige.”
“You just need to give her time, Lo’, but be open with her.” I side-eyed her. I could tell that something was eating her up. She was kinda carefree by nature, but now, it was like her mood had done a 180-degree flip. She was tense, with ridged shoulders, and the scowl she wore could kill without trying. “Secrets will kill anything you may have.”
An uncomfortable silence seemed to settle over us for a minute or two. We were both caught up in our own heads. Paige turned to face me as she leaned against the rail. Her mouth opened and shut as she struggled to find the words.
“Just say it, Paige,” I gave her an opening. If she was going to help us, she was right, I needed to be an open book.
“What do you have to make right?” she asked. I guessed Stryker hadn’t told her much about my history with Phee.
“Long story, Paige. One that I don’t feel like talking about.” Well, I didn’t feel like talking to her about it. Paige’s wrath was worse than her bark, and the fact that she was a Lennox didn’t help, either. The chick was psychotic on the best of days; I didn’t need her sneaking into my room at night and chopping my balls off with a rusty butcher’s knife.
“Come on, Logan. You know me.” She stared off into the distance. Taking out a cigarette, she lit up. I knew she was trying to calm herself down, but if I told her everything, I couldn’t be sure if I was signing my own death warrant.
“Yeah, and that’s what I’m afraid of.” Reaching over, I snatched it from her and inhaled. I didn’t normally smoke when sober, but in that moment, I would have done anything to try calming my nerves. I decided to give her a small bone. “Let’s just say that I have a fair bit to atone for. What’s eating at you?”
I hoped she didn’t catch on to the deliberate change of topic, but as long as I didn’t have to speak about myself, I was happy.
“Stryker.” There was something about the way she said his name that had me perked.
“What did he do this time?” The two of them had this tug of war going on constantly. Stryker was so damn protective of his cousin that he had the tendency to suffocate her. They acted more like brother and sister most days, and she’d been through enough that I could understand why he would want to bring Paige into the fold to help Phee.
“The jerkoff thinks he has the right to decide what’s best for Phoenix.” There was disdain in her voice as she spoke, but it wasn’t a surprise. I’d had a feeling he would be just as protective of Phee, if not more so. “I may not have formally met the girl yet, but I do know what keeping her in the dark will do.”
“I kinda agree with him on that, Paige.” It wasn’t as though I was trying to piss her off more, but Stryker had a point. “Listen, I don’t know his reasoning, but she has just woken up, and she needs to heal from the physical injuries before she can deal with the ones that you can’t see.”
“Oh my fucking god, you can’t be fucking serious right now. You’re just as fucked up as my damn cousin.” Clearly, it wasn’t my day with the ladies. I tried reasoning with Paige, and suddenly I’m public enemy number two, the first being Stryker. She was looking at me like I’d pissed in her Cheerios.
“Paige, it’s not like that.” I figured pleading my case was going to be my best bet. “I’ll try to make this a little more black and white. You have both experienced evil, yeah?”
Nodding her reply, I continued. “The only thing different is that she has experienced it twice- at the hands of the same guy. You didn’t see what Stryker and I did, the fear in her eyes. It’s fucking killing me inside. We just want her to heal from the physical injuries first, without the added stress of the knowledge that her attacker is alive and being held captive.”
“You’re only going to make things worse, Logan.” Sighing, Paige pushed off the railing. Walking to the door, she paused for a second, looking back at me. “Don’t do that to her, Logan. If she means as much to you as you say, don’t play a part in keeping her in the dark. You, of all people, should know what it’s like to have that happen, and how it made you feel. What do you think it will do to her when she finds out?”
Damn, Paige was right. The betrayal I’d felt when I found everything out was crushing. So much so, I had been spending the time since either couch surfing, or staying at the hospital. There was no way in hell I was going to do that to her. Someone needed to have her back, and I guessed that someone was gonna be me, even if she didn’t want me to.
Chapter Sixteen – Phoenix
All the hovering had started to get to me. It had been a few days since I’d woken up, and although I was grateful for the support that my guys had been giving me, it was starting to feel as though I was suffocating. I just wanted a little alone time. But I felt guilty even thinking about it.
Every day they would show up, and every day I’d just roll over and stare out the window. They would ask me daily to talk. And deep down, I knew they were trying to help. I just couldn’t find the words. Every fucking time I went to tell them, my throat would close up, and the tears would fall. I think I had cried enough tears to fill a small pond.
“Phee, I know it's hard, but I really think it would help if you just opened up- even if it’s just a little.” Logan said he'd been at the hospital the most. I still didn’t understand why he was hanging around so much. Up till that point, he hadn’t really pushed me to do anything. Stryker and Jonah, on the other hand, were constantly asking.
I shifted onto my back and just stared at the ceiling. Closing my eyes, I willed the tears that had been threatening to fall all day away. As I inhaled deeply, I sat myself up. They were all there. Stryker leaned against the window, a storm brewing behind his eyes. He hadn’t said too much that day. Jonah was next to him, in the armchair, on his laptop. And Logan was where he usually sat, right next to my bed.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” My voice was shaky. I could feel the first tear fall down my cheek as I pulled my legs up to my chest.
“We know, Angel, but holding it in like you are. . .” Jonah paused, shutting his laptop down before he turned back to me, “it’s not good. You’re punishing yourself, and none of what happened was your fault.”
“Is that what you think I’m doing?” I couldn’t hide the hurt in my voice. Something snapped at his statement. Is that what they thought- that I blamed myself for what had happened? “You think I blame myself?”
He was quick to move, at my side instantly. As he reached out to take my hand, my anxiety kicked back in, and I froze. “No, not at all, none of us think that. We just want to help you through this and get our bubbly, carefree girl back.”
Guilt crept back in as more tears fell. They were only trying to help me, and I was stuck, trapped by my own fears. The last time I’d told them what happened, Stryker ran. The fear that they all would leave once I told them played in my mind, over and over. I had internally berated myself every day since I’d woken up. The doctor had organised for a therapist to come and talk to me, and they had every day since, but it still couldn’t make this conversation any easier.
Picking up on my anxiety, Logan got up and sat on the edge of my bed and faced me. “I know I’ve already told you this, but you’re safe now. Anything you say will stay here.”
I looked at each of them, and saw mirrored back at me the same look. They were telling me without saying the words that they were there. That they wouldn’t leave me. I would eventually have to tell them sometime, I told myself as I debated with my own feelings.
