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Soft music played from hidden speakers peppered around the room. Daryl Braithwaite’s, ‘As the Days Go By,’ reminding me of a day my mom and I had danced around the kitchen belting it out at the top of our lungs as we baked brownies. I could smell the rich chocolate, reminding me of the anticipation I’d felt as I sat in front of the oven, waiting for them to finish baking.
“Hello? Is there anyone here?” I called out again as I made my way to the chaise; the faux fur rug felt soft and warm and familiar underneath my feet. In front of the chaise was a small ornate coffee table, its shimmering glass top showcasing handcrafted legs. Scattered across the top were dozens of pictures: some of me, others of my parents, and a lot of my mother. Every single one showed some of the happiest moments in my life.
Sitting down, I leaned forward, running my fingers over a photo of my mother and I standing outside Luna Park. The yellow crowned, blue eyed clown face was right above, smiling down over us, inviting my mother and I to explore the park and have some fun.
“I remember that day fondly,” I hear my mother say. It was like she was there with me, as her melodic voice floated through the room. From behind, a coolness settled throughout the room, giving off an oddly calming sensation— reminding me of the comforting hugs my mother would give me every time I woke from a nightmare. “You were so excited that day. Closing out your first six months of therapy. All you talked about for days was riding the roller coaster. Then there was the old lady on the train. You were so excited about how she had given you five dollars to buy yourself the picture at the end.”
More tears started to fall as the memories from that day came flooding back. It had also been the first outing since my father had been locked away. Mom wanted to do something to take both our minds off the shitty situation we’d had found ourselves in thanks to Kyle Ducane.
“It was a great day,” I said, releasing a sad laugh. I smiled down at the picture. A soft shuffling sound came from behind me, making me turn my head. There, standing in front of me, was my mom. Her long blonde hair cascaded over her shoulder, and she was dressed in a pale-yellow dress that glimmered as she moved. The light behind her cast an ethereal glow around her. She moved as if she were weightless, floating just above the ground.
“Oh my sweet, sweet baby, please don’t cry,” she said, drawing me into a familiar embrace, one that I had longed for since the day she’d passed. Something inside me reminded me that this wasn’t real, that there was something else that I needed to do. That there were people waiting for me, but I couldn’t remember who, or where. I couldn’t really care. To hell with it, if this wasn’t real, I’d fucking missed it .
Burying my head into her shoulder, I inhaled deeply. The scent of her jasmine perfume, mixed with the scent of the other flowers in the room, made me squeeze harder. I wanted to stay like that forever. Stay there forever, with her.
“Look at me, Phoenix,” she said gently. Pulling back, she tipped my chin up so I was looking directly into her crystal blue eyes, eyes that so familiarly mirrored my own. “I know you want to stay here, sweetheart, but our time here is brief, and you need to get back to those who love you. Those boys that still need you.”
Confused, I shook my head slightly. “Please don’t leave, Momma. I’m not ready. It’s hard without you around; it feels safe here. I don’t feel pain here,” I pleaded, ignoring the niggling feeling in the back of my mind that said there was somewhere else I should be.
“Sweetheart, I wish it were that easy. I wish I could say it was going to get better as soon as you return, but I can’t honey.” The sadness in her voice caused a wave of numbness to wash over me. “I just want to assure you that there is light at the end of all this darkness. This pain that surrounds you won’t last forever.”
“Wh… what do you mean?” Taking my hand, she squeezed lightly; the feeling sent a tingling sensation through me, making me shiver. The look she gave me reminded me of the birthdays and Christmases I’d spent asking her over and over again what I was getting. Mom shook her head, refusing to tell me. I knew by just that look that she wouldn’t elaborate much more.
“Phoenix, I can’t tell you everything. All I can say is that you still have some demons to face, but you are strong, and you will get through this.” Leaning in, she kissed me on the forehead, before slowly standing.
“Don’t forget who you have become, sweetheart. I wish I could tell you more, but it’s not allowed. When you wake, the anger, pain, and hurt you feel— it will make you want to do things, say things,” she broke off, wiping a tear from her delicate face. She was pleading with me, trying to make me see something that was still blurred in my mind. Pulling me in for one final hug, she pushed a stray hair behind my ear. I held on tightly. I didn’t want this feeling to end. “Whatever path you choose, Phoenix, don’t let it change you. Don’t go it alone, either; there are some choices you can never come back from.”
“I don’t understand, Mom,” I reached out for her, but she was just beyond my grasp. “I can’t do this alone; I need you.”
“You’re not alone, Phoenix. I know you want to stay, but you need to head back now; they’re waiting for you.” She said as she pointed to the door I had entered through. “And sweetheart, I am always with you.”
Walking to the doorway, I looked back at my mom. “You need to forgive, Phoenix. Forgive yourself, your boys, and even those who have wronged you, before you can move on.”
Blowing me a kiss, she pulled away. Everything started to feel heavy once again. The distant chatter from before was suddenly fading back in. Looking over my shoulder one last time, the last thing I saw before falling back into the darkness was my mother’s face fading into the shadows, eyes full of love, smiling back at me.
Chapter Eight - Kyle
“Kyle, you’re not listening to me,” Uncle Max exclaimed. He had arrived at the lake house my parents owned, flustered. Clearly, he hadn’t been sleeping well. “They have the guy you ordered to dispose of the car.”
Ever since my fucking cousin had found my goddamn journal and confronted him, my uncle had been spiraling. His usually clean-shaven appearance had given way to the scruffy, disheveled shell of a man in front of me. Like his brother, my uncle had a penchant for the young and innocent.
“No, Uncle Max. You’re not listening. I know the fucker who is trying to offload the car.” I shrugged my shoulders. I wasn’t too concerned as my security guys were top notch and would never give anything away. “He is never gonna spill the beans.”
“Are you that fucking stupid?” He was heaving with frustration, at my lack of concern, I guessed, but still, he was making me angry with the fucking insults. “Your guy tried to offload the damn car to the guy she was living with. No one’s seen him since. I overheard Logan talking to that Damon guy about it when they were grabbing some of his stuff from the house.”
“So what? He isn’t going to give her location away,” I shot back. I swear, between him and my father; you would think they thought I was incompetent. Stepping up, so we were chest to chest, I knew exactly what he wanted. “So no, Uncle Max, I won’t be giving her to you.”
“Kyle, your man is going to squeal eventually, and you will lose her to them,” he warned. Once again he was trying to coerce me into handing her over.
He was deluded if he thought I would give up my Kitten to him. He had never tried to hide the fact that he wished he had taken a round or two with her since she’d moved over here. In fact, every time he went down to the club, he only took the ones that looked like her. So, if he thought I would relent and give him my Kitten to turn into his little slave, then he was sorely mistaken.
I had been at the lake house every time he had been there, trying to get me to sell her to him. He knew exactly why I wanted her; it’s the same reason he married my aunt: a trophy, something to lord over people. And I knew why he wanted her: she would be his prize pony—lending her out to his business partners to use and abuse. She would end up being nothing more than a cum bucket. Just a hole for dirty old fuckers to stick their dicks in for a little warmth.
“Let me ask you this, Uncle Max,” I said, standing up straight, so we were eye to eye; what I was about to ask next was something that had been eating at me for a while now. “Why do you want her so badly?”
If looks could kill, then I’d have been a dead man. I knew asking it would rub him the wrong way, but fuck knows I didn’t care. This was the third time that week he had been there trying to get me to hand her over. Not to mention, he was always in the viewing room watching.
“Do yourself a favor, Kyle,” he shot back, turning to walk out the door. My uncle paused before throwing me a weird look. “Grab your fucking dick warmer and get out of here. Go up to the hunting lodge or something, somewhere Logan won’t think about looking. If you don’t, then you’re going to lose her for good this time.”
