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“His name…” I clear my throat, “… is Christian.”
Andy’s breathing becomes noisy inside the quiet room. “You’re going on a date with a guy today?”
“It’s not a date, Andy. It’s a catch-up.”
An exaggerated sigh escapes him. “I don’t get you. Why are you so obsessed with this whole finding the love of your life?”
“Excuse me?” I question while crossing my arms. “Me catching up with a male friend isn’t searching for the love of my life. I take offense to you saying I’m obsessed. You make me sound like one of those girls.”
“Well…” he trails off.
My teeth bare down as an unwanted growling sound leaves my mouth. His behavior is uncalled for and so beyond his normal jealousy.
“You know what? I haven’t dated anyone in forever. I haven’t even slept with a guy for God knows how long, certain I’ve been revirginized if that’s even possible,” I blurt out with my heart racing. “And you know why? Because every time I do, we get into a stupid fight.”
Andy closes his eyes, throwing his head back against the pillow, but I can see him straining. We’ve had arguments before, but something warns me this will be our biggest yet.
“I know you want to say something?” I allege, reading him like an open book. “Just say what you need to say.”
He jumps out of my bed, unable to look at me, grabbing his jacket and shoes in a rush.
“Why does my opinion matter?”
“You’re my best friend, so your opinion matters.”
Andy throws his hands up in the air. “Then don’t go out with this guy, okay? God, Jessa, can’t you see it?”
The words are like a giant wrecking ball, designed to knock me out until I’m left numb and speechless. And that’s exactly what it’s done. My emotions are fighting for attention, all of which becomes a blur of nonsense. Both of us are angry, and for different reasons, so this isn’t the time to admit my feelings have shifted, not when too much is at stake.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I lower my voice.
“Of course not,” he responds with malice. “It’s all in my head, I guess.”
It wasn’t in his head, and as much as I want to tell him that, my fear cripples my ability to admit the truth. Pushing him away is easier than telling my best friend I feel something more for him. He’s my world, a world with the air I breathe. Losing him because we take a risk on something more is too great. I’ve seen relationships end because of this and losing him entirely isn’t an option.
So, I continue to lie to protect us.
“I have to start getting ready.”
“Right, well, don’t let me stop you,” he barks before leaving the room without a goodbye.
And just like that, I hear the front door of my apartment slam.
I half wait for him to return, to lecture me on staying protected or some bullshit like that. But it never comes, and neither does a text or phone call.
The hardest thing to swallow isn’t his absence. It’s what his absence does to me. It makes me realize my feelings are more than I’ve been willing to admit, and this fight between us has brought everything to the surface.
I don’t want to lose what we have, and even if he feels anything for me, taking it a step further can destroy everything.
And nothing means more to me than our friendship.
So, there’s no choice but to protect it at all costs, even if it means I need to step away for a while to forget Andy is the man I can’t seem to get out of my head. Create distance between us.
My phone pings with a notification fromPinterestof cool places to visit. I open it up to pictures of London.
It’s a sign—it has to be.
A few weeks away, traveling around London and Europe. A break between us is just what we both need. Andy can stop worrying about me, and I can return with a stress-free attitude, and all will go back to normal.
