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“Would you like to explain where?”
“Not really,” I answer back, uninterested in his interrogation. “Kind of like you not wanting to explain your behavior last night.”
Benedict drops his arms straight for his hands to lock into fists. We’ve had arguments before, but nothing like this.
“I don’t have time for this, Jessa. This sudden attitude like you’re too good for this place.”
“Maybe,” I say, lifting my eyes to meet his. “This isn’t a sudden attitude, but who I’ve always been.”
With a pinched mouth, Benedict shakes his head in annoyance. “I’m going to my office to work.”
He leaves the room as I breathe a sigh of relief. I have no idea how long I can do this for, trapped in a loveless marriage while absolutely miserable. The dreaded ‘d’ word plays on my mind, but I’m too tired to think about anything depressing. Instead, I grab my phone to send Andy a text.
Me:Are you still in your meeting?
Andy:Yes… Noah is on the warpath, and his marketing director is in the firing line.
Me:That’s my dad for you. He always gets what he wants in the end.
Andy:Judging by his short temper, he’s not getting what he wants in the bedroom.
Me:YOU’RE EVIL.
Andy:I know, but you still love me, right?
I smile at his last text, wishing I could admit the honest truth, but in some ways, it feels too soon, and I don’t want to rush things.
Me:The taco… I love the taco.
Andy:I love tacos too… ones that squirt.
Me:Of course, you do, though I’m yet to understand its science. Perhaps I should research it, but I’m scared of what my search engine will come up with.
Andy:Like the time you made me google blue waffle?
Me:You needed to be educated.
Andy:I couldn’t watch porn for weeks after that.
Me:I remember! You were so grumpy all the time. Sexually frustrated Andy isn’t a good side of you.
Andy:I’m glad you’ve acknowledged that. So moving forward…
Me:Moving forward… I miss you.
Andy:You have no idea…
And just like that, I miss everything about home because that’s exactly what I associate Andy with—home. My eyes wander around the den, looking at all the furnishings which were chosen and decorated by Rosemarie. This house belonged to their family and was given to us as a wedding gift. All you need to do is take one look around to see none of my own touches are here because it’s not my home.
It was never supposed to be.
Bentley loses interest in the movie, setting his sights on a bookshelf instead. I feed him dinner, then take him upstairs for his nightly routine since he’s tired from his day out at the lake with Eliza.
When I finally climb into bed, exhausted from today’s events, Benedict joins me soon after. It’s unusual for him to join me so early, making me slightly anxious he’ll try something again like last night.
Suddenly, the guilts hit me. I feel guilty for watching Andy perform something so intimate, knowing that’s not fair to Benedict. But also guilty for sleeping in the same bed as my husband and knowing the pain it must inflict on Andy.
No matter which way I look at the situation, everyone will get hurt.
