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Yeah, sure, ten reasons, he thought, scrubbing his skin a little too vigorously with the washcloth.It makes absolutely perfect sense that on the day before her best friend leaves work for good she’s fucking off to play puppets with some kids. That definitely sounds like Shoshana.
Still, though, you should probably talk to her before you think about it anymore, or you’ll say something you regret,the logical part of his mind said. David glared at the stream of water coming from the showerhead, not appreciating this contribution at all.
Let the man feel his feelings, Moshe said calmly, out of nowhere,nobody ever got into a pickle by feeling their feelings.
“Thanks for the support, old man,” David grumbled, recognizing sarcasm when he heard it. He was in the process of rinsing himself when his phone went off. It was the familiar FaceTime chime and he dunked his head under the shower stream, letting the water run through his hair briskly before turning off the shower and reaching for a towel. He couldn’t remember if he’d made plans with Shoshana tonight or not.
For the first time in a long time he hoped it would be Mariam on the other end of the call. She knew how to talk him down. Not that he needed talking down. He wasn’t upset, he was concerned. Sure. That was it.
“Hey you. Did I interrupt your shower?” Shoshana said. She was curled up on the window seat in her reading nook, Deev in her lap. She looked relaxed and beautiful and happy to see him, and all it did was push him from truly annoyed to genuinely angry.
He realized he was dripping and grunted, placing the phone on the bedside table so he could finish toweling off. From that angle she had a great view of the ceiling. She didn’t say anything, just patiently waited for him to finish whatever he was doing. This was normal. He was very much aware that he was the one out of sorts right now, and he should be upfront about what was upsetting him, or simply tell her it wasn’t a good time.
That would be the adult thing to do in this scenario.
He pulled on a pair of pajama pants and climbed into the bed, irritated all over again that after the call he’d have to get out of bed and take out his contacts before getting back into bed to sleep.
Better and better.
None of these petty annoyances are her fault, he thought, and realized he was glaring as he picked up the phone only when she flinched back, surprise on her face.
“David, is this a bad time? Do you want to talk or would you rather I call you back tomorrow?” she said, sounding concerned, but not overly so. As though it didn’t matter to her one way or the other if she talked to him or not. He almost snorted. She probably thought he was pissed about something happening with a congregant.
“No, no, this is fine, tell me about your day,” he said, aware that he sounded accusatory but unable to scale it back. He should really end the call. He was going to say something unforgivable if he wasn’t careful. Somehow knowing he was behaving irrational only made him feel more irrational. It was an ouroboros of suck.
“Well, today was fine. I think I was making Bax a little crazy, Patti stopped by the shop and he practically begged her to take me out for coffee,” she said, her brow furrowed, trying to suss out what was going on. He felt like a dick, then was exasperated with himself that he felt that way. Shoshana watched his face carefully.
“That seems counterproductive, he’s going to be gone tomorrow right?” he said, the words clipped and sullen. Shoshana winced. He struck a nerve with that one. She kept saying she was okay with Baxter’s leaving, that she was happy for him, and David believed she meant it. But he also remembered the anguish on her face that first night. She was going to miss her friend and he was a special kind of schmuck for rubbing that in. He felt mean.
“Yeah, I didn’t want to leave, but I thought it was probably good to get out for a minute. Besides, it’s nice hanging out with Patti, I want to do that more often.” She was brushing the massive cat. Or, rather, the cat was allowing himself to be brushed. She barely had to do anything, just hold the brush out for Deev to inspect and Deev rubbed the part of himself that he wanted to be groomed against it.
“Is that all you did?” His tone was sharper than it should have been. He knew it. Shoshana knew it. The absurd cat probably knew it, because the cat turned his head to look at the phone, a look of catlike derision firmly on his face.
“Well, no, I also saw Abi for a bit,” Shoshana said, then cocked her head. “David, really. Something’s wrong. I feel like you’re upset with me, but I’m not sure what I did to deserve it.”
“I shouldn’t be upset with you. I’m confused, that’s all,” he said, meaning it. She relaxed infinitesimally, though her expression said she’d noted he wasn’t denying that he was in fact upset with her. This was the place where later he would say he should have changed the subject.
He was not proud of the fact that he chose to ignore his instincts. Whatever was going on in his mindhadto be deeper than Shoshana. It only made sense. But he couldn’t force himself to go beyond his annoyance with her, it consumed him in a way that made him wonder if his blood sugar was low. But that wasn’t it because he’d definitely had dinner. It was inexplicable. Preposterous. It waswrong.
“What are you confused about, exactly? Can I help?” she said, oblivious to the path his thoughts were taking.
He wanted to tell her to leave, because the person he was right now was not a person who should be around people. He knew he should end the call. He should take responsibility for the bizarre way his mind was working, but some petty, base part of his mind was enjoying this. He would hate himself for that later. The parts of him that were still rational hated him for itnow. And yet, he didn’t stop. He answered her in a tone that was deceptively calm.
“I certainly hope so. I’m trying to figure out why Beth Elohim’s preschool is allowing people who aren’t parents or employees the freedom to engage with the kids whenever they please.” It was one of the most unfair things he’d said in recent memory. He knew when he and Mariam had been at their most contentious, he had jumped to some pretty uncomfortable conclusions, but he was fairly certain if he spoke like this to her they would no longer have a relationship to speak of.
Shoshana reared back from the phone.
“I--uhm,” she said and licked her bottom lip, the gesture quick, distracting. “Wow.”
“I mean, you can see why it’s concerning, though,” he said, doubling down even though every part of himself knew this was bad, this was nasty. The place he was choosing to take this was absolutelywicked. “I’m concerned, Shoshana.”
“You said,” she said, her tone brittle.
“Well are you going to explain, or--”
“When you give me room, I’ll be happy to,” she said, straightening on the window seat. Deev shifted on her lap and she lifted him off, depositing the cat on the floor as though he was a pillow that was in the way. David heard the cat’s angry yowl of protest. She sat back, leaning into the paned window at her back, her arms crossed over her chest, her eyes narrowed on the phone, meeting his eyes before continuing. “Can I talk now, or…?”
He snorted, making a sound that could have been please do, and waved his hand in front of him to show she was welcome to the floor. He hated himself. Why couldn’t he have just let it go?
