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Shoshana let out an exasperated breath and tucked her hair behind her ears, the gesture quick and unconscious. “I had tentative plans with Patti to have coffee today. I tried to cancel because you’re right--tomorrow is Bax’s last day and I have a laundry list of shit I want to go over, but--”
“But you decided--”
“You need to let me talk. You wanted to know about my day, so I’m going to tell you about it,” she said, lifting a finger at the phone to silence him, steel in her voice.
David was surprised at the way her green eyes had turned frosty. But he shouldn’t have been. Of the two of them, her response to the situation was the only one that made sense.
“I had every intention of telling Patti I couldn’t make it. And I was going to, but then I was thinking about how I’ve been trying to spend more time with people. So, I let her talk me into actually going to the shop instead of having coffee in my office. And when we got there, we were chatting with Leah and lost track of time--”
He made a noise because he was impatient, and Shoshana glared at the phone. David sat back, not saying anything more.
“Patti realized the time, and said she had to bring some desserts to the preschool for afternoon snack. Leah already had them boxed up and since Patti drove, I had to go with her. We got to the synagogue--I asked Patti to drop me at the offices, by the way, but you were busy. So, I walked down to the preschool and one of the classes was going to art. So then there were all these kids.”
“When was this?” he said. Something like relief washed over him, though it was short lived.
“Around 11:30, Kathy said you had an interfaith thing,” she said, “I figured interrupting was a bad idea, so I went back to where my ride was.”
He grunted, because she was right, if she’d interrupted that meeting, he would have assumed there was an emergency, but also because he was still surly, those feelings weren’t just dissipating. He was spoiling for a fight and now they both knew it.
“When I got back to the preschool, they were passing out snacks, and Patti wanted me to meet Rueben, her son, so I couldn’t gracefully sayI’ll wait outside. I am sorry I didn’t mention it earlier, I didn’t realize it was a big deal.”
“You didn’t realize I would be concerned about the people my kid comes into contact with at a place where she’s learning to live Jewishly?”
He was scum. He knew it as soon as he said it. She looked at the phone like he’d slapped her. As the silence stretched between them, growing awkward, he turned the words over in his mind, knowing he’d chosen them specifically because they would do maximum damage. To say he was shocked at his own behavior was an understatement. He was ashamed of himself.
Saying the thing sucked all of the feelings of anger and resentment right out of him. If he’d heard someone else say those words to her, he would--well, he didn’t know what he would do but it wouldn’t be kind. He cleared his throat.
“Shoshana.”
She shook her head, her face pale, her jaw set. He wished she would yell at him. Say something equally awful, or just curse at him.
He would even accept her driving over to slap his face. He knew he deserved that.
This pained silence was something else, though. Looking into her eyes and seeing the hurt he’d caused was too much. He wanted to look away. He forced himself not to. She deserved better than who he was in this moment.
“I shouldn’t have said that.”
“No, you shouldn’t have,” she said, her voice deadly calm. “You know, if you had said that to me two weeks ago, I think I would have just agreed with you, and waited till I was alone to have a good cry--”
“Shoshana, please--”
“Let. Me. Talk,” she said, her eyes snapping, daring him to interrupt her again. “I don’t know what I’ve done to make you think I would ever,everdo something to call into question my relationship to Judaism. I’m certainly not the only person you’ve ever met who is non-practicing. The fact that I haven’t been to services in ten years doesn’t make me any less of a Jew and of all people, you should know that. I’m inclined to say whatever is happening right now has absolutely nothing to do with me, and I really hope that’s true, David. Because up until this conversation you have made me so happy--”
Her breath caught and she lifted a hand to demand a pause. She closed her eyes, pressing her other hand to a place at the center of her forehead. David’s chest constricted, knowing she was absolutely right, and she didn’t deserve any of this.
“It doesn’t matter,” she said, after a moment, her voice thick in her throat, “My life is about to get really intense. Tomorrow is Baxter’s last day, and after that I don’t know what I’m going to do. But I don’t have time for this.Thisright here, I mean. I would have happily made time for you. I had hoped--no, doesn’t matter. I am truly sorry I crossed a line. If I had known you felt that way, I would have done things differently. I think I need to go now--”
“Don’t, Shoshana, wait--”
But she’d already ended the call.
Twenty-Five
Shoshana forced her days into a kind of working rhythm. It wasn’t easy, and she was hanging onto sanity by her fingernails, but the routine helped. There was an order for some custom pieces for the new resort/spa that was opening outside Campbell. Those were pieces she would have preferred to work on herself, but with things as they were, it was better to schedule the contract guys.
That way she could be in the shop during the day, stay for a few hours after closing--okay fine, three or four hours, what did it matter she had nowhere to be--to work on invoices and receipts and orders and whatever else was on the daily, weekly, monthly checklists in Baxter’s Work Bible.
After she left Goldman’s, she came home, ate something standing up in her kitchen, usually plain cold cuts over the sink like a Visigoth, fed the cat, crawled upstairs to remove her makeup, shower off the disappointment of the day, and fall into exhausted sleep. Sometimes she even managed to wash her hair. She stopped everything but the most rudimentary responses to any communication she received that didn’t have anything to do with the shop.
