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“Your daughter is a very lucky little girl,” Kathy said quietly.
“Thank you,” he said, because it was the thing to say, but his mind was working quickly. Thinking back.
That this explained why he’d so colossally messed up his life didn’t make him feel any better, but at least he knew he hadn’t just decided to behave like an irrational ass out of nowhere. He groaned, it was so, so pointless. He realized Kathy was still looking at him, a question in her eyes now. David gestured at nothing.
“This--all these feelings I mean--came out of nowhere. I wasn’t expecting to react so strongly. It was only supposed to be five weeks. That’s not a lot of time.”
“You might be judging yourself a bit harshly,” Kathy said, considering the closed planner in her lap. “Everyone has unseen areas of themselves, yes? It’s how we grow.”
“Was that from one of my sermons?” David said, partly because he was fairly sure it was, but also because he was amused that she was so spot-on. Kathy looked at him over the rims of her glasses, the barest trace of a sly smile on her face.
“Maybe it would help if you considered how you would counsel someone else if they came to you with this problem. What would you suggest?”
He couldn’t help noticing that she’d gone out of her waynotto mention Shoshana by name. He winced, unsure if there was anything, he could do to fix the situation.
“I suppose it's time for teshuva. But I don’t know if that’s enough,” David said, picking up his phone. He scrolled idly, finding the photo app. One of the first pictures to pop up was one he’d taken in her bed. She was reaching for him, chin dipping down coquettishly, though the look in her eyes was anything but that. His finger touched the curve of the smile on her lip.
“What’s enough?” Kathy said, spreading her hands. She got up from her chair, a question in her eyes before she took the coffee cup off the desk. He was done with it anyway. She considered the cup for a moment before looking at him again, her face serious. “If you don’t try, then how can you begin to forgive yourself?”
How indeed?
He sat in the stillness of his office, turning the words over in his mind for a very long time.
Twenty-Six
Shoshana’s brain was swimming. In addition to the vodka and orange juice, Evelyn’s cooler also held a spread of cheeses, bread, fruit, pastries, and meats. While Patti began the work of carefully taking down each of Shoshana’s post-its, Evelyn plopped a plate overflowing with food on Shoshana’s desk and ordered her to start eating. Evelyn stayed in the office only long enough to go through the papers on Shoshana’s desk and retrieve anything that appeared to be finance related, avoiding Patti so neatly she could have been invisible.
“What’s with you and Evelyn?” Shoshana asked Patti around a mouthful of rugelach.
“Her,” Patti said, scoffing as she looked over her shoulder. “She likes to push buttons for fun, and I don’t have time for that.”
“Huh,” Shoshana said, because this wasn’t entirely off the mark.
“She makes the best food, and she likes to help people,” Patti said, as though these were points that had to be universally acknowledged. “But she leans heavy on thatyou can’t get mad at me--I’m an old ladyshtick and I don’t think that’s a decent reason to be a cow.”
“Yeah, that… sounds accurate,” Shoshana said, amused because this was something she appreciated about Evelyn, and it was interesting to see that someone else was so turned off by it. “You’re not going to throw those away, right?”
“For the fifth time, no,” Patti said, but there was no sting in it. She was simply focusing on the task at hand, sticking another pile of post-it’s on the corner of Shoshana’s desk. “When you’re done eating, start going through the papers in front of you. Pull any post-it that shouldn’t be attached to the paperwork and put it on this stack. We’re going to do something.”
“Are we just, like, organizing?”
“For now? Yes.” Patti turned around to really look at Shoshana, her expression was kind, but serious. “Look, Baxter had a system and it was really well documented and that’s great. But that’shissystem. It’s not working for you--if it was, then you wouldn’t need to spend so much time overseeing every tiny detail. He didn’t need to do that, right? So, we’re going to figure out howyoucan do all this in a way that makes sense for you.”
“That is going to take so much more than a few hours,” Shoshana said, feeling a pain in her belly just thinking about it. She put the piece of rugelach back down and wiped her fingers on a napkin.
“Yeah, probably, but I said I’d help, and I meant it.” Patti said, turning back to the post-it’s on the window, “I’m pretty sure if you offer, Becca will jump on a store associate job. Part-time, you know. My daughter is in heaven right now.”
“I will be happy to pay her on a regular basis. Although, actually for the record, could you invoice me too? I don’t want to offend you by offering, but this is so much, Patti.” Patti glanced over her shoulder at her, as though she hadn’t heard correctly. Shoshana lifted her shoulder sheepishly.
“I know you told Abi you’d help, and I know you will, but this is a mess. I’m really, really not comfortable with just expecting you to put in that much work for nothing. Call it a consulting fee or whatever you want, but please let me give you money.”
Patti threw back her head and laughed, sitting down on the stool across from Shoshana’s desk. “I’m gonna have to warn you I don’t come cheap.”
“I don’t expect you to. I’m going to pay Evelyn too. If she’s willing to come out of retirement to help me out she deserves to get actual money for it.” Shoshana felt calmer than she had in weeks. The creeping sense of panic was receding. She wasn’t alone. She had people who were willing to support her. She thought of David’s comment about how she’d created her own community and her eyes pricked suddenly. Partly because she was realizing it was true, but also because thinking of David when he’d been so completely what she neededhurt. She realized Patti was still talking and forced herself to pick up the thread of conversation.
“--just don’t want you thinking we needed you to throw money at us to help you out.” Patti was still pulling post-its off the window from her seat on the stool, but she seemed to be waiting for Shoshana to respond. Shoshana cleared her throat.
“I know,” Shoshana said, breaking a square of cheese in half, “but what you’re doing is valuable to me, and thank-you’s only go so far.”
