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“Shoshana, why aren’t you at the store?” He didn’t know why he asked. Maybe it was because the Shoshana in front of him was so incongruous with the person he’d come to know. Perhaps he was simply grasping at anything he could think of to make conversation. Whatever the reason, she shot him a look over her shoulder that he couldn’t read, pulling two bottles from the refrigerator door before letting it slam shut.
Deev sauntered into the room. David still hadn’t quite gotten over the sheer size of the animal. The cat yawned pointedly then made a yowling chirrup. Shoshana rolled her eyes at the creature and placed two glass bottles on the counter.
“You have your own,” she told the cat, as though this was a regular conversation they had. Deev made a sound of disgust and padded his way further into the kitchen. David saw his tail flicking jauntily as he ambled into the open pantry. After a moment, David could hear the sound of crunching. Apparently, the cat was helping himself to his own meal.
Shoshana sat on one of the barstools at the counter. She kept an empty seat between them, and he tried not to take it personally. She took one of the bottles and twisted the cap, tossing it on the counter. David did the same, mildly surprised that it was root beer. Shoshana opened a Styrofoam clamshell and he could see a healthy portion of barbecued brisket. His mouth watered.
“I told you I wasn’t sharing the brisket.” She opened another clamshell and used her fork to slice a piece of cornbread.
“Right,” he said, ripping into the plastic-wrapped container of mac and cheese.
“They kicked me out of my own store,” she said, stuffing a piece of meat into her mouth. He didn’t reply, allowing her to chew and swallow. “Abi and Leah showed up and just took over. Patti told me to go home and take a nap.Self-care.”
She said the words like they were in quotations. David raised his eyebrows and she shrugged.
“It wasn’t the worst idea. I was exhausted. And Bax made such great notes they don’t even need me. They could run the place for weeks, probably.” She took an angry sip of her root beer and promptly burped. David almost laughed. Shoshana’s face said she dared him to. When he didn’t, she nodded, taking another bite of brisket.
“I’m sure that’s not true,” he said, because he was fishing for something to say. The need to touch her was making his palms itch.
She made a noise that saidhow would you know. He didn’t say anything to that, because she had a point. Because he needed to do something, he took a bite of the mac and cheese. It was quite good.
“Thatiskosher,” she said, watching him chew carefully. “In case you were wondering, it doesn’t have secret bacon or anything. I’m pretty sure that’s why she always orders it. Most of the sides are treif.”
“I trust you,” he said, because he did. Shoshana nodded, turning her attention back to the food in front of her.
“At any point in this conversation are you going to tell me why the fuck?” she said, putting her fork down slowly before twisting in her seat to look at him her eyes bright with unshed tears. “Whythe fuckDavid. Justwhy?”
He winced, his mouth suddenly very dry. He tried to speak. Started to speak. Closed his mouth again and reached for the fork. He found himself focusing on threading one of the fork tines through one of the pasta noodles. It was the kind of perfectly useless, time killing gesture Dani would do if provoked. He grunted, disgusted with himself.
She shook her head, either annoyed or disappointed.
“If you’re not going to talk, eat your food. There’s no point in playing with it,” she said, turning back to the brisket. She poked at it with her fork. He forced himself to take another bite of the pasta, but he couldn’t taste it any longer. He chewed, swallowed. Watched her studiously avoid looking at him.
“I can tell you why,” he said, surprised to find his voice was scratchy in his throat, “but it’s not a good reason. What I said to you was indefensible.”
“I gave you so many outs,” she said. Her jaw worked for a moment and she turned her head to meet his gaze. The look in her eyes was so wounded. It was hard to face it, but he refused to look away. “I asked you if you wanted to end the call. I tried to get you to talk about it. What could Ipossibly--”
“It wasn’t you,” he said, because he needed this point to be clear.
He sighed, he was a person who spent his days parsing words. He should be able to string a few together to explain himself. And yet, here he was--empty.
“Dani went to stay with her mom. Do you remember?”
Shoshana nodded. This was something they’d discussed in a cursory way. He’d been anticipating spending the time with her. Making love to her in his own bed. Sleeping next to her without having to worry about getting home to relieve a sitter.
“I wasn’t anticipating how it would affect me. She’s never--” he broke off again, still unhappy with how this was coming out. It sounded weak, the flimsiest of excuses. Shoshana had turned in her seat to look at him, at least. Her arms were crossed, the blanket wrapped firmly around her chest.
“She never what?” she said, prompting him to continue.
“This is the first time I’ve ever had to spend more than a night away from my kid,” he said, shocked at the emotion he was feeling. It was one thing to realize it was true in his office, apparently it was quite another to admit it out loud. He coughed forcing himself to continue, “Dani told me she saw you at the school. It was a surprise to me. It was completely irrational, and I shouldn’t have lashed out at you. But I did.”
“Why?” she said, her voice low, her brow furrowed in something that could have been concern.
“Her whole life it’s been me, Shoshana,” he said, spreading his hands. “Yes, Mariam and I co-parent, and we work hard to discuss things with each other. But I’ve been the one making sure the diapers were changed, and the teeth were brushed, and those asinine dinosaur nuggets were in the freezer. I have no idea what those things are made of, but I don’t believe for a minute it’s chicken.”
She giggled. It was quick, and over in a second and she covered her mouth immediately after she did it, but it was definitely a giggle. He looked at her for a long moment and she blushed but made a motion with her fingers for him to keep talking. He chose to see this as a positive sign.
“I didn’t realize that she didn’t need me,” he said, finally giving voice to his own misery. “I knew it would happen eventually, but I didn’t realize it was happening now. I lashed out at you and I said things I never should have said--things I don’t even believe are true, for the record. I’m not asking for your forgiveness. But I need for you to know that I’m sorry.”
