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Carter makes himself a promise right then. When Benny finishes with him, leaving Carter behind like he's nothing, Carter will kill himself. He'll end this once and for all. Then, maybe, if he's lucky, he'll end up with Casey in heaven. Carter has never been much of a believer, really, but he's had to have earned that at least, right? After surviving this hell, God would surely take pity on him.
He just has to die first.
Carter wonders if sir brought all of his weapons with him to the party tonight. Of course, a gun would be the best option, but a knife would do.
Otherwise, Carter can improvise. There are the sharp blades from sir's shaving kit. Or the sturdy beams of the ceiling in sir's closet and the red rope sir used to tie him up before. Or the bathtub where he can force his lungs to fill with water.
Carter begins to drift along with the safety of his new plan.So many options. It’s blissful, really, to realize how easily he can escape it all when he’s ready.
This is his mistake; the drifting. Carter forgets to control his mind.
He forgets to keep the acid words from bubbling past his lips.
"I made him mad…" Carter whispers, the truth of the words impossibly heavy as they pull him out of his false bliss and back to the present.
Benny tenses, the air between them suddenly heavy. Then he sighs and places a gentle hand on Carter's ankle. "I know."
"He - hehatesme."
Carter hateshimself.
"Hey, no. He doesn't hate-" Benny stops with a frustrated noise. "Just hold still, okay? Be a good boy and hold still. No… talking. Conserve your energy."
Carter nods, turning his face into the pillow to hide that he's crying again. God, it feels like that's all he ever does anymore. His whole life is crying.
The thought makes Carter cry even harder.
Benny sighs. "This might hurt a bit, but I need you to try to stay still and just breathe, okay?"
Try to stay still and just breathe while I rape you. If Carter had the energy, he'd scoff. But he doesn't have the energy. He doesn't have much of anything at all.
He sags in defeat. "Yes, sir…"
Carter immediately fucks up when he feels something wet touch his calf. He jerks, his head turning even though it hurts. He has to blink a few times before believing what he's seeing.
Benny is fully dressed. The bottle in his lap isn't lube. The unzipped bag beside him is full of medical supplies. His hand is covered in some sort of cool gel as it rests on Carter's red skin.
All Carter manages is a small, "Oh."
"This will make you feel better," Benny promises. He's making eye contact, looking kind again, so Carter quickly turns his face away.
It's not real. He's a monster.
He has to be a monster, because then sir is a monster.
And sir… has to be a monster.
Carter can’t let himself see sir as anything but a monster.
"Just lie still now."
It's easier said than done. For the first few seconds, the pain of Benny spreading what feels like a cool gel over his calf is manageable, but the moment he comes in contact with one of the more abused spots, Carter's mind is whiting out. He comes back to himself to find that he's begun sobbing. Benny is hushing him, saying things likeI know,andYou're okay,andAlmost done. The pain doesn't fade. It doesn't ease. Every time a welt is touched, Carter jerks and sobs.
"I'm sorry," Benny says after a particularly painful spot on his shoulder is assaulted by his slick hand. Then, his voice hoarse, he admits, "That's it for the salve on your backside, but… I need to treat the welts that broke now."
"B-broke?"
"He… drew blood tonight. In a few places. I need to treat them so they don't get infected." Benny rubs little circles with his thumb against the uninjured skin of Carter's ankle. "Do you want something for the pain? I have morphine. It's just a quick shot. It'll probably put you out."
