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Carter almost misses how easy things were when Nathan was sir. They both knew where they stood. He had rules, and he trusted sir to take care of him and treat him well if he didn't break them. He was a pet, sir was his master, and it was… simple.
Carter just wants things to be simple again. Not forever, not even for very long at all, but just for a bit. Just to give his poor mind a goddamn break.
After a few minutes, Nathan strolls out of the bathroom, looking unfairly attractive with nothing on but a low-slung towel around his hips, his damp hair a little messy, his chest covered in slow-rolling water droplets. He takes one look at Carter and pauses. “You sleeping in here, swee -Carter?”
Feeling his throat go tight at the sound of his almost-nickname, Carter forces his gaze away from the gorgeous man and focuses instead on a very interesting fuzzy on the bedding. He sounds like he’s choking when he admits, “I can’t do it.”
“Can’t do what?”
“Any of it,” Carter whispers. “I can’t even decide…”
There’s a slight pause. Then Nathan sighs in understanding. “You can’t decide where you want to spend the night. In here, with me, or… with Benny.”
Carter slowly sits up, wincing as his abused skin drags across the covers. “Don’t say it like that.”
“Like what?”
He looks up at Nathan, focusing on his eyes so he doesn’t get distracted by his sexy, wet body. It doesn’t work out so well. The body was only affecting Carter’s cock. Those eyes are assaulting hisheart, and this time Carter can’t get himself to look away.
“Like what Carter?” Nathan asks again, his voice dipping low like it always does when he’s talking to Carter about something that has the power to ruin everything.
“Like I’m choosing him over you,” Carter says breathlessly.
Nathan’s chin lowers so he’s looking more directly into Carter’s eyes. Carter shudders under the gaze, but he doesn't look away. He's proud of himself for that. "Maybe you're not choosing him over me, but you're not choosing me."
Feeling helpless and exhausted, Carter lets himself ask one of the biggest questions weighing on his mind. "Are you even a choice?"
“Of course I am. I love you, Carter. I never lied about that. I'm so fucking in love with you." He shakes his head, eyes squinting. "I'll never stop wanting you. You're a fucking part of me. I feel - fuck, I feel like I can'tbreathewhen you're not mine. I feel like I'm spinning out of control. Like nothing fucking makes sense. Like nothing is okay. I love you, Carter. I love you. And you loved me. You were mine. And I fucking lost you."
“What part of you loves me?" Carter finds himself asking. It was a question meant for his mind, but he can't quite get himself to regret asking it out loud. He needs to know. It'skillinghim not to know.
“Every part of me, Carter.”
“Travis?”
“Yes.”
“And Nathan?”
Nathan shifts, tension rolling through his body. He doesn’t look away though. “Yes.”
“What about sir? What about the man who owns me? The man who is my master?”
“He-” Nathan looks away then. His hands curl into fists at his sides, his throat bobbing in a way that shouldn't be seductive but is. He doesn't look at Carter when he finally says, "He might love you most of all."
It’s like the words are a vacuum. They suck the air straight from Carter’s lungs.
When he finally manages to speak, the words are breathless and shaky. “But he hurts me. He’s done… awful things to me.”
Nathan’s expression twists, his eyes fluttering closed for just a second before opening again. He still doesn’t look at Carter. “No, the monster inside of me hurts you like that.”
“They’re different?”
“Yes.”
“How? How are all of them different?”
“Travis loves you because you're everything he wished for once he knew there was something like you to wish for. You make him feel things. Scary things. But exhilarating things too." Nathan's jaw ticks as he pauses to collect his thoughts. "Nathan loves you because you remind him that he's more than a monster. He's more than blood and violence. You're like this little light in the darkness. This little bit of humanity. Of hope. You make him believe that everything might actually turn out alright."
