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When Nathan doesn’t continue, Carter tentatively asks, “And sir?”
Nathan’s lips twitch into a fond smile for just a second before falling. "Sir loves you because you'rehis. His to keep. His to use. His to protect. You belong to him in every way; heart, body, mind, soul. He loves cherishing you, and he loves fucking you, and he loves everything in between."
“He loves hurting me,” Carter points out in a slightly pouty voice.
“He doesn’t like hurting you in the same way the monster does, and he likes making you feel better even more. The hurting you is - it's a means to an end, I guess." Nathan puts a hand up as if to stop him from arguing. "I'm just saying where my head is at when I'm being your sir. I'm not excusing it or saying it's not fucked up."
“But did he like hurting me tonight?”
It takes him a few seconds to answer. He doesn’t meet Carter’s eye when he does. “Yes. But only because it was consensual, and - and because he was making you feel good too. The pain was heightening things for you. That's why he liked it. That, and… well, it feels good when you hurt for him. When he asks you to be a good boy and take it, and you do.”
“Okay.” Carter takes a deep breath, ignoring the stirring of his cock and the flutter in his chest at those words. Ignoring the part of his mind that saysI like that too. “And the monster?”
He had to ask. Hehadto. Surely Nathan knew he would.
When he answers this time, he turns to Carter first, looking him right in the eyes. His expression is blank. "The monster likes to hurt you. He wants to break you beyond repair. He likes the sound of your screams. He likes to see your tears. He likes the way you writhe on his cock. He's exactly that - a monster. I hate him."
Carter shudders. “Why do you give into him?”
“Because he’s the best at this job. I need him.”
“Even if it means I get hurt?”
Nathan smiles, but it's rueful and maybe even a little cruel. "I need himespeciallywhen you need to hurt. The day you got punished for sleeping in the closet? That was him hitting you in that room. Saying those things to you. It's like… I don't know how to explain it without sounding crazy, but it's like I unleash him and then turn my back. Sometimes I don't even realize what I’m doing until it’s over. When I came back to myself toward the end of caning you and saw the scene before me, it was like a fucking wrecking ball. Benny thinks the monster is my way of dealing with the trauma. Like how victims of rape or abuse can sometimes just black things out. Maybe he's right. I… don't know. I try not to give into that part of myself too often. He's dangerous. He's the only part of me that can fully take over. I don't hear little voices in the back of my head. I don't get nagging feelings like something is wrong or I should be doing something or whatever else. It's just… quiet. Blissfully blank. I don't come out of it until he's had his fun usually."
“And that helps you with this job?”
“Yes. Very much so.”
“So, your monster doesn’t love me then.”
Nathan sighs. “He’s not capable of love. But he doesn’t matter, Carter. He’s not a part of me I plan to keep. Not when this is all over.”
“Not that it matters,” Carter says, more of a reminder to himself than to Nathan.
“Right.” Nathan’s eyes tighten. “Because when this is all over, you and I…”
“You and I won’t be anything.”
Something darkens in Nathan’s gaze before his expression goes perfectly blank. “I figured as much. You'll probably take your new identity and disappear, won't you?"
It feels like a rhetorical question, so Carter doesn't answer. Or maybe he just doesn't answer because he doesn't know.He didn't even know he would be getting a new identity - though it makes sense - so how could he possibly know what he plans to do with it?
After a long sigh that makes Carterache, Nathan says, "I meant what I said earlier about needing you to be taken care of tonight. If you don’t want that person to be me, then I’d like you to stay with Benny again. He can watch over you. Make sure you’re alright. Make sure your mind doesn't go anywhere crazy. I don’t want you alone.”
I want to sleep in here with you,Carter thinks without permission.I want you to be the one that makes it all better.
Then he remembers what Nathan said. About the different parts of him. About sir - the part of Nathan that wants to take care of Carter. That wants to protect him and own him. And he remembers how much easier everything felt when he becamepetin that office earlier. When Nathan becamesir.
Could Carter choose who he wants to spend the night as? Who he wants to spend it with? Would Nathan let him?
He could at least try…
“Sir?” Carter asks tentatively, unable to look at Nathan when he does so.
The silence that settles over the room is unbearably heavy. Carter drops his chin to his chest and squeezes his eyes shut, wishing the moment away. Wishing he could take what he said back. Just swallow it whole and –
“Yes?”
