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I reached for his phone one last time.
Chapter Thirty
TransgressionsEpisode 705, interview transcript: Shay Deroy, Sept. 22, 2022 (unabridged)
SHAY DEROY:I’d been in love with Anderson Thomas since middle school. It was a quiet obsession, one I never thought would go anywhere.
JAMIE KNIGHT:Trust me. I remember.
SHAY:He was a shiny person, wasn’t he? The quarterback, from a good family, a mom and a dad, a sister. And he was so handsome it hurt to look at him. Everyone loved him.
JAMIE:Mmm.
SHAY:What?
JAMIE:Not everyone.
SHAY:You?
JAMIE:I saw him places you didn’t. In locker rooms, out on the field when we played soccer, at parties, when it was just guys in the room. I didn’t like who he was when he thought no one was watching.
(Silence.)
Listen to me interrupting you. I’m not being an objective observer; I’m making myself a character. Like some bullshit gonzo journalist. Sorry, Shay.
SHAY:Jamie, there’s no such thing as an objective observer. That’s why stories are powerful. If you’re listening, you’re part of it.
JAMIE:Maybe. But for ethical reasons, I’m going to have to present this episode some other way. Not journalism—a personal narrative or something. A confession.
SHAY:For what it’s worth, the fact that you don’t like Anderson makes this easier.
JAMIE:Makes what easier?
SHAY:You probably don’t remember I got a little popular at the end of high school.
JAMIE:I remember.
SHAY:The truth is, I got hungry.
JAMIE:Hungry?
SHAY:I’d wanted attention my whole life, but I was also scared of it. Then everything fell together senior year. I was going to be valedictorian. I won Miss Texas, and suddenly I was giving speeches to girls in elementary schools, judging 4-H competitions, cutting ribbons. Kids even started talking to me at school, inviting me to things.
JAMIE:Suddenly I was sharing you with everyone.
SHAY:I was so happy. It felt like I was carrying around a tiny sun in the center of my rib cage. The day I got nominated for prom queen, Anderson Thomas walked up to me in the cafeteria and asked me to be his date. He’d barely talked to me before that. I was living a fairy tale.
The night of prom, when I was getting ready in the bathroom, I thought about that lock-in right after my dad left. How I’d felt so alone, watching other people be happy. It was finally my turn.
JAMIE:Right.
(Rustling.)
SHAY:I know I wasn’t actually alone at the lock-in, because you were there. It’s just how I felt.
(Silence.)
JAMIE:Of course. And… It’s a stupid detail, but for historical accuracy, I asked you to prom, too.
