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“That's a good thing.”
“Right. It is. Should have been.” I pause again to take a deep breath. This next part might be a little harder. “Last year, someone mentioned this app. It's an app that shows you information about thoroughbreds. I almost downloaded it, just to check it out. Instead, I went to visit family. I don't know how he knew but he did. He knew something was wrong and he called me. That call saved me from doing something I know I would’ve regretted.”
“Sometimes it happens like that. It shows you have someone in your life who cares.”
I sit forward, placing my head in my hands. I'm feeling the tears that have started to form.
“Don't you get it doc. It's the domino effect that led to the worst night of my life. That phone call ...” I have to stop because this is the thing that I've told no one. “It's my fault.”
My shoulders begin to shake as I give in to the pain. I quietly cry. Doc let’s me. She places a comforting hand on my back and allows me to let it out.
A blue light flashes on then off.
“Shit,” she mutters, and I snort. That’s the first time I’ve ever heard her curse. “Sorry.”
I run a hand over my face then use the bottom of my shirt to wipe away the rest of the tears.
“It’s all right. I’m going to slip out through the room over here.”
“You don’t have to ...”
I hold up my hand, cutting her off.
“Yes, I do. I didn’t even have an appointment, but thanks for listening.”
She nods as the light flashes again.
“You’re welcome anytime.”
“Right. Thanks. I’ll go so you can see your actual patient.”
I look at the time as I make my exit. It looks like it’s time for my date anyway.
Savannah, GA May 19– Friday afternoon
My “date” yesterday went better than I ever could’ve expected. I spent the day with my daughter. We went to Tybee Island. I told her stories and she shared her “picture book” with me. She said it was a gift from her great grandma Elle to her Starlight.
“I’m Starlight. I was her bright star. Mommy is ...”
“Moonbeam. You’re right. She’s mine as well.”
She is. I’ve been slowly spending more time with Jayla or J.B., the name I prefer calling her. She said it’s what her mother would call her. I’m good with using the name. It’s a challenge going to spend time with J.B. when her mother doesn’t live far from where Mrs. Emory lives. Knowing what I know about Brooklynn and seeing how much my little girl misses her mother makes it worse.
I have to fight my inner urge to make this better for both of them. Keeping them apart isn’t my choice. That’s what the doctors say is best and I’m not the expert on these things.
I’m still dealing with my own shit, and I don’t have a “block” to blame it on. Not one I’ll admit to having.
I’m home with my family today. Not my entire family because some things still need to be ironed out. Most of them are here. The sharing and “reveals” continue.
“It was a ripple effect. As you well know. You were there when most of it happened,” I tell Graham.
“Don’t rewrite history, Shaw. I was there only in the sense of being at your side when you recovered.”
I don’t know why his words affect me, but they do.
You know why. You know it as well as he does.
“Because he ...,” I quickly catch myself as I look around at the faces before me. All the faces that are here and the one that isn’t. “You weren’t the one with me, sitting next to me.”
